One Single Mom

PQ Talking Photo

2007-12-18T19:02:00.000-08:00

WOW!!! I need to get back to blogging - and check out the talking photo thingy!!!

It's called CHRISTmas for a reason - and it IS the reason for THIS season...

2007-12-18T17:12:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I attended the celebration of the Carol of Lights at the University where I am employed. I was standing in the crowd (along with my 2 daughters) listening to the choir and the brass ensemble perform and eagerly waiting for the University's President to flip the switch and illuminate the whole campus with the lights we had hung the week after Thanksgiving.

Finally, the Prez took the mic and began to speak. He opened with a brief statement about how it was easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of this time in the semester - preparing for finals and all - and to forget what the real meaning was: the blessing that God has given us in the birth of Jesus and the many gifts He gives us. Now, when I say brief, I mean VERY BRIEF and definitely NOT the focus of his talk - just a short blip reflecting his own thoughts. As soon as the words passed his lips, I heard from beside me "boooooooo,... boooooooo" - not quite loud enough to be heard all the way to the front of the crowd, but enough to turn heads in the immediate area - at least mine. Without even thinking, I turned to discover a pimply-faced kid of about 23 and almost just as quickly I blurted out "It's Christmas... what do you expect?????"

He started ranting about how he expected our President to have the "presence of mind not to... blah blah blah". I again said "Dude, it's CHRISTMAS - if you don't want to hear about CHRIST, don't be here."

AAARRRRGGGGGHHHH - What is the deal here, people?? We don't put up Hanukkah lights or trees (not that I'm against Hanukkah - which I'm sure I haven't spelled correctly). But CHRISTMAS is what started this whole celebration season - yes, even the commercial one - and without it would we HAVE this season??? I don't think so. So why is it so wrong to acknowledge the REASON FOR THE SEASON????

I don't care if you don't believe - scratch that - I CARE, but I won't force my beliefs on you. But if you are going to celebrate Christmas - or come to a Christmas celebration - then PLEASE don't be offended when you hear Christ's name!!

Think She's Having A Bad Day?

2006-07-05T19:51:00.000-07:00

This is a post in honor of my friend, T, who is dealing with having 2 grown step-children and one grandchild moving back home and a husband who, although well-intentioned, is maybe in a bit of DEE-NYE-ULL. The oldest of these kids is 27, and a single white male with no dependents - he is trying to find himself and is going back to school to do so. The other is 20-ish going on 15-ish - I love ya Wiff, but you've got a kid of your own now - time to get a JOB and deal with it. Nobody's saying they won't help you - but you have to make a move of some kind on your own. I know my own parents probably feel the same way about me, and I'm 44 - but I don't live at home, either - small comfort, eh?

God Bless T!! She got fed up and compiled a list of rules as follows: (I have not edited this - it is in her own words, font, and capitalization, lol)

take care, ....osm

7-5-06

SINCE YOU BOTH LIVE HERE FREE OF RENT OR RESPONSIBILITIES THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT ARE REQUIRED OF BOTH OF YOU;

YOU WILL HAVE TWO WEEKS TO GET A FULL TIME JOB. THE MONEY FROM THIS JOB WILL BE USED TO PAY FOR YOUR NECESSITIES SUCH AS CAR PAYMENTS AND INSURANCE, FOOD AND DIAPERS AND ANYTHING ELSE YOU MAY REQUIRE FOR YOUR NEEDS AND THOSE IN YOUR CARE. IF YOU CAN NOT OR WILL NOT FIND EMPLOYMENT THEN YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO SEEK SHELTER ELSE WHERE.
YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO SAVE A PORTION OF YOUR EARNINGS; 25%; TO ENABLE YOU TO MOVE OUT OR PAY FOR UNFORSEEN EXPENDITURES THAT MAY ARISE. IF YOU CAN NOT DO THIS ON YOUR OWN THEN YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO GIVE 100% OF YOUR PAY TO US AND WILL BE PUT ON AN ALLOWANCE. TO DO THIS, HOWEVER, WOULD NOT GET YOU ANY CLOSER TO YOUR GOAL AND OURS, OF BEING MATURE AND SELF- RELIANT ADULTS.
YOUR ARE RESPONSIBLE TO US AND THIS HOUSE BEFORE ANYONE ELSE. THAT MEANS GIRLFRIENDS AND BOYFRIENDS DO NOT COME FIRST. IF YOUR CHORES ARE NOT DONE, THEN THEY WILL BE DONE BEFORE YOU LEAVE. IF THE OTHER PEOPLE IN YOUR LIVES THINK THIS IS BULLSHIT, THAN YOU ARE WELCOME TO LIVE WITH THEM.
SINCE YOU ARE NOT PAYING ANY BILLS REQUIRED TO SUSTAIN THIS HOUSE, YOU ARE REQUIRED TO HELP WITH THE UPKEEP: SWEEP, MOP, DUST AND VACCUM. DAILY IF NEEDED BUT DEFINITELY WEEKLY. THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE!!!!! DISHES WILL BE PUT AWAY DAILY AND THE COMMON AREAS CLEANED DAILY.
YOUR ROOMS ARE TO BE KEPT CLEAN AT ALL TIMES AND THIS DOES NOT MEAN THROWING THINGS UNDER THE BED OR IN THE CLOSET. IF THIS HAPPENS, I WILL ASSUME YOU CARE VERY LITTLE ABOUT YOUR BELONGINGS AND THIS IS PERHAPS TRASH AND SHOULD BE TREATED AS SUCH AND THROWN OUT.
YOUR LAUNDRY WILL BE DONE EVERY WEEK. IF YOU CAN NOT COMPLY WITH THIS REQUEST; HIRE IT DONE!
YOU ARE TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH WHEN NEEDED OR SOONER IF IT HAS SMELLY ITEMS IN IT. THIS IS NOT A FEEDLOT! THE SMELL OF S&!T DOES NOT MEAN MONEY.
THERE WILL BE NO SMOKING IN YOUR BEDROOMS. UNTIL YOU GROW UP AND GET YOUR OWN PLACE. THE ANSWER IS “NO”
THERE WILL BE NO FOOD OR DRINKS IN THE BEDROOMS. REFER TO ITEM 5 IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS.
YOU WILL WASH EVERY DISH, CUP, AND GLASS. BOWL ETC. YOU USE AND PUT THEM IN THEIR PROPER PLACE! I’M TIRED OF CHASING DOWN KITCHEN ITEMS BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO LAZY TO PUT THEM IN THEIR PROPER PLACE. THIS MAKES IT HARD ON EVERYBODY WHO USES THE KITCHEN AND REALLY PISSES OFF THE COOK!!!!!!
IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILY TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY ENVIORNMENT IN WHICH TO LIVE. IF THE SHOE STINKS; GET RID OF IT OR PUT IT IN YOUR CAR. THIS MAKES IT HEALTHIER ON EVERYONE IN THIS HOUSE.
YOU HAVE BEEN PROVIDED BEDROOMS IN WHICH TO SLEEP. IF YOU FIND YOUR ROOM TOO UNCOMFORTABLE; THEN MAKE OTHER ARRANGMENTS. YOU ARE NOT FORCED TO LIVE HERE.
ONE TOWEL IS TO BE USED EACH TIME YOU SHOWER OR BATHE. IF YOU GET OUT OF THE SHOWER AND THINK YOU NEED A NEW TOWEL, THEN YOU DIDN’T DO A GOOD JOB THE FIRST TIME. YOU WILL BE ALLOWED TWO TOWELS A WEEK EACH AND IT IS YOUR RESPOSIBILITY TO KEEP THEM CLEAN AND LAUNDERED. IF YOU CAN NOT COMPLY WITH THIS, GO TO A TRUCK STOP TO WASH YOURSELVES.
THERE ARE NO EXCUSES FOR NOT COMPLYING WITH THESE SIMPLE RULES. THESE CAN BE CHANGED OR ADDED TO AT ANY TIME BY HOMEOWNERS.
IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS OR CONCERNS REGARDING THE ABOVE REQUIREMENTS, TALK THE HOMEOWNERS. BUT CHANCES ARE THE RULES WILL NOT CHANGE.
TO DISREGARD THE ABOVE RULES WILL BE CONSIDERED A BLATANT SIGN OF DISRESPECT TO THOSE WHO ARE TRYING TO HELP YOU. THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED IN ANY WAY AND WILL BE DEALT WITH HARSHLY. YOU MAY EVEN BE ASKED TO LEAVE WITHOUT NOTICE.

Boy are these folks confused....

2006-05-16T08:52:00.000-07:00

My kids will tell you these folks have no clue what they are talking about!! I wonder if I was just that "off" with my answers?? ...osm

Are You a Slacker Mom?

Your quiz results make you a Zen Mom

How do you do it? Even when explosions are all around, you are able to take a deep cleansing breath and chant your mantra "this too shall pass." You are a calming influence on your kids in a hectic world.

Take this free personality test by Clicking Here>> or going to www.areyouaslackermom.com

The Leopard's Spots, Part II

2006-04-13T12:12:00.000-07:00

Ok - so it's been a while since I started this post. Sue me, I've been busy or distracted or something.

Anyway, let's see - what I was saying was that I was finally seeing a part of my ex-husband that reminded me why I had fallen in love with and married him some 23+ yrs ago and that was the reason I wanted to take back a lot of the really hateful, hurtful things I've said and thought about him since we split up.

I would also like to take this opportunity to say something to my kids - just in case they ever find this blog and read it. I am not in any way trying to embarrass you or "out" you about the life decisions you make that I don't understand. I really don't expect anyone who knows any of us to read this, anyway. I have not shared the address of this blog with the people I know, in general. In fact, there are really only two people who have the url that I know in "real" life - and neither of them live here. Anyway - that being said - let me get back to my original subject matter.

So, here we are - crisis in the making. Some 42 y/o married-at-least-once-maybe-twice loser is courting my daughter, filling her full of bull about being a self-taught man whose father emphasized respect and self-control for every human being - blahblahblah.....

Sorry - but all I can hear is he's 42 y/o and married probably twice. Can't get past it - don't care if he taught himself to speak English, don't care if he's all about higher education, don't care, don't care, don't care. All I can think is that my daughter is SO inexperienced in the ways of the world - she's never had a serious boyfriend (or maybe one), most likely never DONE anything physically serious with a boy/man (don't scoff, her faith, her body, and her morals have always been very important to her), and I can see from miles away that this guy is really only interested in seeing if he can get past all that to make the score. And even if he's not - he's been there, done that, on ALL the important "firsts" of life already - and I know in my heart that my daughter deserves to experience at least SOME of those "firsts", if not all of them, with someone who's of similar experience as she.

Now what? What do I do?? Who do I turn to??? I can't tell my parents - they would be just devastated (I made that mistake when I talked to them about my son's troubles a couple of years ago). Not that they would judge - not at all - but they WOULD be heartbroken and worried, and then they'd also be asking me about it from now on, and I just can't go there. So - I did what I have always harped at my ex- about when it comes to parenting - I called him and said "I need your help."

I told him the whole story - he didn't interrupt once. I asked him what he thought. He sounded like he was very shaken - maybe even emotional - and (thank you GOD!) he agreed with me that we needed to do something, and FAST!!!

This man that I have reviled and belittled in my own mind for the past 20 yrs or so, stepped up and did something I would never have expected. #1 - I did find out from my daughter what line of work this guy was in, and as it happens, I have friends in the same business so I called one of them up and said "Have you ever heard of a G-- R------?" The tone in my friend's voice when she answered me told me that what I was going to hear wouldn't be good. Yup, she sure did know him - used to work with him, in fact - and why did I ask? "What do you know about him?" I queried. Now, my friend knows I'm single (duh) and that I know a lot of other single folks, so I guess she assumed that one of them might have stumbled on this guy and was interested. Her first answer was "What do you want to know?" - I told her I wanted to know EVERYTHING she could tell me. Her next words were "Well, he's a real smooth talker, that's for sure." Oh GOD, I knew it!!! Over the next 15-20 minutes I found out that he had indeed worked with her, been fired for some kind of misconduct or incompetence (didn't ask the details of that), and that around the shop he was known as quite the hound. In fact, she said that the guys even had a special "whistle" they'd use when G came in to signal him for his latest "pussy story" as she put it. I was nauseous. My poor baby was really believing that this man cared that she had an education and carried herself well and that he respected her for her goals and her wonderful vibrant soul - AND her morals. He was taking her to dinner, buying her flowers, being attentive with phone calls, etc... and all the while, back at the "shop" it would be business as usual - and BY GOD, I couldn't let my daughter be the next "story" for the guys.

I told all of this to my ex-. I thought he was going to cry. I could tell he was angry, to say the least - not at our daughter - but at the scumbag. He said "Well, I'll talk to her - tell her a little bit about my OWN experience in that area" (he had been drawn into an affair with a much older woman when he was about 18 and it ended very badly), "and see if I can make her understand a couple of things". I told him I didn't really want her to think I'd just come running/tattling to him - and I SURE didn't want her to know where I found out everything I knew about him.

This is what he did. He went to her, said he wanted to talk to her about G. She was pretty angry by the time this all came about - had told me that we had nothing further to discuss about him - she was a big girl and would live her own life, etc.... He handled her so much better than I ever could have - didn't butt heads with her - pointed out the flawed logic and huge holes in G's own stories about his life/history/background, and bared his soul about his own mistakes with older relationships. I know this was VERY, VERY hard for him, as that affair had left him with many hurts that to this day I'm not sure he's gotten over. He also told her he happened to have a friend in town that was in the same business as G and that he'd asked his friend about him - and told her what I had actually found out. I couldn't believe it - he took the heat for me - I mean, I know it was for our daughter's benefit - but he did it in a way that took the blame off of me. I was stunned. He had no reason to do that - he could very easily have just let me run roughshod over her - lose my cool, push her further away by simply telling her I could never accept her relationship with this "man" (that's a loose interpretation of the word), etc.... He had everything to gain by stepping back and letting ME be the unreasonable, controlling, meddling, overprotective mom and then he could be the understanding, supportive, REASONABLE parent.

I thank God for him in ways I had never thought I would. I thank God for the fact that somehow, we (not just I) managed to raise a daughter who, at age 22, could look her father in the eye and say "Well, I trust your judgement in this, Dad - and I don't want you and Mom to be upset or angry with me, so I'll tell him I can't see him anymore." and then she stuck to it! As angry and hurt as she was - and it wasn't just that simple - I mean, we had a few more emotional conversations about it - she felt she'd made a mistake by breaking it off with him. (Of course, because when she did, she told him what we'd found out about his reputation and he had a perfectly reasonable explanation about his past actions, but he was a changed man, etc....) But she did it.

I have to say that I am proud of her in ways that words could never express - so if you ever read this, Lauren, please know that I DO understand how hard it was for you to just do what your parents thought was best for you, and that I'm so sorry still that what you were looking for and thought you'd found was something that you had to give up for your family - but I know someday you WILL understand be thankful that you did.

And, Rocky - if YOU ever read this - please know that I am really at a loss to describe how much I admire what you did for our daughter. I have underestimated you for a long, long time - and I SO appreciate the fact that when she REALLY, REALLY, needed you and it would have been SO easy for you to just sit back and let me be the bad guy, you stepped up. You treated her with respect and kindness and you treated her like an adult, and you buffered a situation that could very likely have caused a rift between me and her that would have taken YEARS to begin to heal. You parented in a way that I never have been able to, and I thank you.

I can only hope that some day, when she needs him most, Ashellyn's daddy will be there for her in the same way.

Take care, ...osm

Can a leopard change its spots?...

2006-04-03T20:19:00.000-07:00

Or is it more likely that when we step back a bit, we just see him in the "bigger picture"?

Anyone who's been here before and taken the time to read through all my posts knows that I've done a LOT of griping about my ex-husband and his total non-involvement as a parent for the past 22 yrs - well, ok, maybe just the past 20 yrs since we separated and then divorced.

Anyway - if you want to know all that crap, you can read back - I'm not gonna even dredge that up in this post. What I want to do is start to modify my view of my ex and shed light on the new "relationship" that we have entered into through the series of events that have occurred to us as parents over the past 2-3 yrs.

The most recent "crisis" involved, surprisingly enough, NOT our son (the one who I have always really fretted about), but our oldest - the responsible, achiever-child. Please, PLEASE know that I am not upset at all with her - she is still the most wonderful child any parent could hope to have - ever - but she is what she is, a 22 y/o girl/woman who is still very naive in the ways of the world. Add that to the fact that she has recently TRULY blossomed into a beautiful woman with a great figure and very far removed from the shyer, less outwardly noticeable girl who graduated from high school 4 yrs ago. In other words, my daughter is now hot and looks the part.

Couple this with the fact that one of her 2 jobs is in a bar that caters to an older "cowboyish" crowd, and you can imagine that the people taking notice of her now tend to have a LOT more life experience than she does. One of these characters recently took an interest in our daughter and set about winning her favor. He took her to dinner, talked about honor and self-sacrifice, the virtues of higher education (she's a college student) and personal ethics, bought her flowers, made phone calls when he said he would etc.... All of that sounds really great - on the surface. My daughter called me to tell me about "the guy" and to sort of get my input/blessing on the start of what she considered to be the exact type of relationship she'd always wanted. I was listening along, feeling her excitement and knowing exactly what she meant/how she felt, and right up until the part where she said "but there's one thing..." I was onboard. Those 4 words made my heart stop, and as she sort of hesitated, I just wanted to scream "what?? what is it?? JUST TELL ME!!!" - not knowing if she was hesitating because he might be of a different ethnic background, or a member of some religious cult, or dying of a terminal illness - WHAT WAS IT?? She said "well, he's 42 years old".

O M G. I honestly nearly passed out, and for a second thought I was going to have to pull over my car (I was talking to her on my cell phone headset as I drove to meet my parents for a day's shopping.) I got lightheaded and swimmy, and it was literally all I could do to stay focused. Thankfully, I was approaching the mall's parking lot and was able to grab a spot and brace myself while I said "oh" and listened to her go on about how he was really so different from the other guys she's known. No kidding - different?? He's MY AGE - old enough to be your PARENT. Not only that, but he has for sure (to her knowledge) been married once before, but maybe twice - she wasn't sure. And, yes, he IS of a different ethnic background that we are - not that race IS the factor of consequence here, but it certainly adds to the dynamics of the situation. My heart raced - I tried to sound calm and reasonable - I just could not afford to launch into the myriad of protests swimming around in my head - not while my emotions were so raw. All I could do was try to point out some really GLARING problems/differences between her life and his and tell her very honestly that I just couldn't see that he was "THE one" - not for her, but that I truly did appreciate her honesty thank her for wanting to involve me in her life. She pointed out that she wasn't really asking my permission - but would like to have some kind of blessing and a promise that I would keep an open mind. My mind was screaming "not frigging likely and give me his address so I can find him and tell him to piss off" and my heart was aching because I KNEW exactly how she was feeling. I so truly remember the first time I fell for a guy - unfortunately, I was 15 at the time whereas she is 22 - but the feeling is the same. I didn't want to crush her, and yet I just couldn't sit back and say "Well, ok, if it's THAT important to you" and go with the flow.

This is the point I'm leading up to about her father and how he really stepped up to the plate and gave me reason to remember why I'd fallen in love with him some 24 years ago. I won't go into it right now, but will pick up this post tomorrow or the next day when I have a chance to - because I really feel that I owe it to him to tell people what he did.

Until then,
It's 10:45pm, do you know where your kids are?? Have you hugged them today and told them how much you love them?? DO IT!! ...osm

What's Your Ya-Ya Name?

2006-03-31T23:14:00.000-08:00

Mine is "Mistress All That".

Funny, because people who know me best would definitely say that's who I think I am - well, in a know-it-all kind of way, at least.

You can go here to find out what yours is (note: using lowercase vs uppercase letters seems to make a difference and will change the outcome if you redo with a different combination of upper/lower case.)

When you've got yours, if you're of a mind to, you can go ahead and join the Ya-Ya sisters and look for me there! In fact, if you're interested in maybe starting a blogger Ya-Ya group, let me know and maybe we could do that!

I hope if any of the members read my blog page they are not offended by my TX vs LA comments about the fires/hurricane plight, but it's jmho.

Ya-Ya! ....osm

Blogthings: What does your birthday mean?

2006-03-31T23:08:00.000-08:00

Your Birthdate: May 5

You have many talents, and you are great at sharing those talents with others.
Most people would be jealous of your clever intellect, but you're just too likeable to elicit jealousy.
Progressive and original, you're usually thinking up cutting edge ideas.
Quick witted and fast thinking, you have difficulty finding new challenges.

Your strength: Your superhuman brainpower

Your weakness: Your susceptibility to boredom

Your power color: Tangerine

Your power symbol: Ace

Your power month: May

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Texas Fires vs Louisiana Hurricanes....

2006-03-13T14:16:00.000-08:00

The last couple of days have been pretty rough on my Texas Panhandle neighbors.

I read this article and it struck me how no one around here is whining about how the Federal or Local Governments didn't come haul 'em out. As a matter of fact, the Local governments actually did pretty good at trying to protect their own - you'll see if you read the article that nursing home patients and others were transported to safer areas via school buses. And we didn't have any warning, either. At least, not nearly as much as anybody had for Katrina and her friends. These folks just had to grab what they could and literally R-U-N-N-O-F-T. Two poor souls didn't even make it - the fire overtook them as they ran from their home.

I guess my point is this: I just got so tired of hearing how our Government (via President Bush) failed the "test" when we didn't warn about the levees and we didn't send enough evacuation help and we didn't do enough afterwards.... I'm still tired of hearing it - "Brownie" on Capitol Hill, pointing the finger (although I admit I don't think he got a fair shake, either). Where does personal responsibility come into play here. And I know that I'm not saying anything new - bloggers and pundits and analysts and all sorts of really smart other people have been talking about this ever since it happened. I am just taking the time to get up on my own personal soapbox on my own personal web log and give my own personal views.

I am also asking everyone who might read this to pray for rain! Someone sent me an awesome "prayer chain" email the other day. The kind I don't usually forward because they are attached to some kind of "you'llpassthisonifyoureallyreallyreallylovejesus" kind of philosophy. Here's a newsflash: If you reallyreallyreally love Jesus, He already KNOWS it! You don't have anything to prove by passing on an email from someone who doesn't really care about your soul one way or the other anyway.

Anyhow - here's the prayer I am referring to - and I do truly subscribe to the concept that if we all pray together for the same cause, there is awesome power in that! When you read this, just take a minute to recite the prayer - feel free to pass it on, if you like.

Dear God,

I come before you standing with all who are praying at this moment for the relief of drought in the states of Oklahoma, Texas and New Mexico. I come in agreement with all who stand before you now, asking for the rain we so desperately need.

Holy Father I ask you to bless, abundantly, those who are suffering great loss as a result of the fires. Grant them the strength and comfort they need as they try so hard to make sense of all the devastation and put their lives together again.

In the name of Jesus the Christ, we come before you asking for this request to be granted.

Amen

Take care ...osm

The Best Fairy Godmother, Ever!

2006-01-30T08:45:00.000-08:00

Doesn't she look like someone who can make all your dreams come true???

I just couldn't resist - and a side note - her BROTHER did her make-up, lol. I am pretty sure this is a sign he's definitelyNOT gay (not that I ever thought he was) - but what self-respecting gay man would put on make up that looks like Mimi from the Drew Carey show??

Since Christmas, she has dressed up in her fairy costume and/or her ballerina get up - sometimes with the ballerina shoes and sometimes with her silver pumps with the lavendar maribou trim that matches her tiara (see the pic). I LOVE watching her play make-believe. I am a little bit concerned that she adapted SO quickly to the pumps, though - I'm afraid she'll be asking to wear them to church or something. ...osm

Well, Here I Am Again

2006-01-24T14:10:00.000-08:00

If you are just stopping by, then I guess you're in luck (I won't say that's good luck or bad luck), and if you are an old friend who used to read pretty regularly, then God bless you for caring enough to check on me one more time!

I don't really know why I didn't blog for so long. But I do know one thing - I've read back over my old posts, and good GRIEF are they whiney!! So, my new resolve is no more whining, and more blaming my ex-husband or the sperm donor (SD) for my whininess (is that spelled right?)

I have a lot to be thankful for - and I think I need to focus on that - and not only that, but maybe I can even manage to sound intelligent, witty, and like an all-around great person to know in the process - we'll see.

I debated on whether or not to delete my old posts - with their references to the SD by name - and some other personal references to other people I know that were pretty thinly veiled, but I have opted NOT to. Why, you ask? Because - I need a reminder of where I came from - and while even though I'm out of the business of trying to trash my youngest daughter's father, I don't necessarily think he deserves my protection, either - so that's that. If he Googles his own name and finds the posts, there is nothing there that is not true - only facts subject to my own personal interpretation - he (or anyone who knows him) is more than welcome to challenge those facts at any time. But like I said, I'm done cussing and discussing him - that chapter of my life is gone - except for the way that relationship will impact my (our) daughter's life now.

So - what's new?? I find myself in another period of non-employment, which stinks, but I suppose I'll get through it. I do have something I'm working on as an independent contractor, and hopefully I will get at least one placement out of the deal, if not more in the long run.

I seriously need to catch up on what's been going throughout the greater blogosphere while I was "away". I wasn't really gone - I lurked and read some of my favorite sites regularly - but I really missed out on some other stuff. For instance, what's up with the whole HNT deal? I mean - I get it - you blog half-naked on Thursdays, right? I have a couple of close (relatively speaking) blogger friends where I've read their HNT posts - but I haven't just gone out to check out ALL the HNT buzz. Hopefully, someone will be kind enough to give me a quick "tutorial" and get me up to speed.

You will also note the new layout - which means a lot of the little gadgets I had on here before are no longer here, but I will be adding some of them back in - and making changes (hopefully for the better) as I go.

That's about it for now. As always, I know this place is just for ME ME ME - but if someone else (that's YOU YOU YOU) does happen by, then please know you are welcome - and I look forward to hearing from you!!

Take care, ...osm

I FOUND IT, I FOUND IT!!!

2005-01-14T23:37:00.000-08:00

Here it is, girls!! I finally found the link to video of Chuck's first paying job!! You'll have to scroll down to where it says : piano_player.mpg and click on the link to see it!!! PRICELESS!!

And you just THOUGHT he was kidding about being "above average" hehehe. ...osm

P.S. If you find the link video a little blurry, email me and I'll send you the actual clip as an attachment - it's SOOO much funnier when you can actually see it!! Also - if anyone can tell me how to post the .avi file directly from my own computer, let me know and I'll fix it that way!!

Evidence that Chuck's House is DEFINITELY Cleaner than Mine...

2005-01-14T15:39:00.000-08:00

The first time I showed these photos to a former live-in friend, he suggested that I should do something about cleaning the crap off the fridge before I snap pics. Only problem is, the fridge isn't dirty - it's tiny rust spots - compliments of the swamp cooler and some unknown source of little chips in the fridge's paint/finish.

At any rate, I figured this might take the heat off Chuck for a while. Bo, why don't you pick on someone your own size and leave poor Chuckie alone?? ...osm

Hey, this sweeping thing looks like fun!

Why is it that every appliance in this kitchen seems to be missing its bottom cover-up parts??

Calgon, take me away!!!

Unconditional "Like"

2005-01-14T14:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Son,

I got this story in an email message today, and I thought about how it applies to how I feel about you (and how I should apply it in how I treat you). I have read it over a couple of times – it says some things that I really would like you to hear – from my heart.

I should have learned this lesson a long time ago and not wasted so much time pushing you away. For that, I am sorry. I hope you can see that someone else struggles with the same issues that I do, but that it in no way means that this man hasn’t always loved his son very, very much – as I do you.

I am always here for you – and I will make an honest effort to just let you be you.

Love, Mom (...osm)

Unconditional “Like”
By John Fischer

I just finished spending four days in the constant company of my 25-year-old son. I am a fortunate man.

At his request, I accompanied him halfway across the country with harrowing experiences crossing the Arizona Rocky Mountains on the heels of a thirty-inch snowstorm with no heat in his truck, scraping ice with our credit cards off the INSIDE of the windshield!

The whole experience was crammed into four days—two days and nights driving including a stop to repair the heater, and two days finding an apartment, shopping for essentials, and moving him in. On the morning of the fifth day he dropped me off at the airport and immediately drove to the office for his first day at his new job.

And now I’m on a plane home and I can’t hold back the tears. I’ve known I loved my son—of course… he’s my son—but I didn’t realize how much I liked him. My feelings toward him have been hindered by my judgment of him and my displeasure over some of his choices. Of course my disappointment was the result of a true concern for him and his own development, but it occurs to me now that it has also been colored by a concern for the repercussions his choices might have on me and what others might think of me as his father.

So I guess you might say I’m learning about unconditional “like.” My wife likes our children unconditionally. She does not judge them when they come to her with things that might displease her, and as a result, they tell her everything. I am not so fortunate. I get the edited version of the truth.

How does God love? How do I want Him to relate to me? Certainly I would want Him to like me unconditionally—to want to be with me regardless, and to not reject me when I do something wrong, or remove His love from me when I tell him the truth.

What the late Fred Rogers meant when he said “I like you the way you are”, is a way of expressing God’s unconditional “like.” I am so sorry it’s taken me so long to get this. The tears are over lost time and the distance I need to make up.

In the film, Father of the Bride, Steve Martin looks at his 22-year-old daughter and sees her, instead, as his 6-year-old in pigtails. I had a couple of those double takes this weekend as I caught my son at a much younger age when it was easier to like him. He was smaller and his early decisions were easily managed.

Starting here, starting now—I like him, just the way he is.

Increase Your Traffic?

2005-01-13T15:42:00.000-08:00

Just trying something - If you will scroll down and scan the left-hand side to where my counter is located, you will see a blinking thingy that says "Increase Your Traffic" and then flashes to "Click Here".

This is something I'm trying out.

You will also notice the "Enter My Chat Room" button. You might try that out sometime when you're on - if I'm online, I'll try to keep it open - it might be kind of fun just to say hello and see who's visiting and when. That's all. ...osm

My Life, Or Something Like It

2005-01-11T21:00:00.000-08:00

Just a quick word for anyone who's read my recent laments about my son:

Monday night, I called my ex-husband to see if he'd come up with the money to help our daughter with her down payment for this semester in college. I found out that they had been trying to reach me because it seems my son had an accident and was shot in the foot by a .22 caliber rifle. They were just leaving the hospital ER when I got hold of them, with instructions to bring him back the next day (Tuesday/today) to see an orthopedic surgeon to determine what course of action to take next.

Details are sketchy, as my son was not very coherent when I spoke to him, and was the only one present in the bathroom when the shooting happened, but near as I can tell, he was with his step-brother out at the step-brother's grandfather's farm - out in the barn with step-brother and the grandfather. My son went into the bathroom out in the barn, and as he was finishing, he dropped some change - or maybe he was getting change out - who knows? Anyway, it rolled under the coke machine the man keeps in the bathroom, and when my son got down on the floor to retrieve the change from under the machine, he bumped it and knocked over some guns that were leaning against it, loadad, safety not on - and the .22 discharged, shooting my son straight through his shoe, through his foot and out the other side.

Naturally, the landowner (says) he does not have insurance, and since it's my husband's wife's ex-husband's father we're talking about (people from Arkansas, could you explain that to the others among you who might find that confusing?), there won't be any financial help from that direction, so that means whatever is done, will have to be paid for by my husband (which won't happen) - so more likely it means my son will have to go to my parents for help if something else major needs to be done.

Please say a prayer that the 90 days of wound care, 30 days of antibiotics, and weekly visits to the surgeon throughout this time are all that is required (along with a minimum 4 wks off his foot - so that means NO WORK). The wound care alone will be over $600. The good news is, that so far he's ok - and I really expect him to stay that way - IF - and I do mean IF he follows doctor's instructions!! I really hope this gives him reason to pause and take inventory of his life. I offered to go get him and bring him home to care for him, but he declined. That hurts so bad. I feel like he's being brainwashed. Whenever I talk to his dad and the rest of that clan, I get the DISTINCT impression that they champion themselves for protecting him from me. I know it is a direct kick-back to "thou shalt not control me, woman" - the attitude/resentment my ex-husband carries about me to this day. I won't say he's incorrect there - but then again, at the time I figured anyone who would get drunk and get in a car and leave his wife stranded 60 miles from home (albeit at the home of friends) without even a ride to work the next day might need a little lesson in good judgement from time to time??

Ok, so where is the part where I get to just live a normal life? Not that this is about ME by any means - I mean, I don't want to be a Drama Queen Mama and go wailing about how you all should feel so sorry for me (not that it would work anyway, lol) - but DAMMIT, when can I just have a WHOLE month of bills paid on time, groceries in the fridge, work going well (mainly because I'm putting forth good effort and staying focused), and no one is not speaking to me, sick, or in jail or in danger of either?? Ok - so no one's actually ever been to jail, but still.

And I still wonder why no men have lined up to check me out?? ...osm

For Lauren....

2005-01-10T20:05:00.000-08:00

Jan 8, 2005

Dear Lauren,

Wow, here we are, 21 years later already? I’ll try NOT to get TOO mushy, but it seems just like yesterday I was getting up early on this day and getting ready to meet you face-to-face for the first time!!

How can I possibly tell you what it means to me to be your Mom? I can’t – and even if I could, you wouldn’t believe me anyway (which is fine). It’s too hard to understand until you have kids of your own (plenty of time there – NO HURRY, ha!).

I am truly so proud of you and I really like knowing you, to boot! Not a lot of moms can say that about their kids – sure, they ALWAYS love them, but to like them – that takes something really special!!

I really wish I had some profound words to give you or the secret to success or life or love – or whatever it is you most want - but I don’t. All I can tell you is that I will love you forever and that I will always be here for you – even if it seems sometimes to be the other way around (and thanks for that too, by the way).

I want you to have my add-a-pearl necklace. It is fitting that it just happens to have 21 pearls on it. You are as precious to me as any pearl – and even the story of how a pearl comes to be is appropriate when I think about you. It’s not like an oyster is a very pretty thing to begin with (me being the oyster, lol), and then comes a grain of sand or something else irritating and not really very remarkable to begin with. But given enough time, and care, and glossing over, something rare and beautiful is created – something that men risk life and limb to possess, reaching to great depths to discover it and once found, cherishing it for life.

Don’t you EVER mistake – your day is coming sooner than you might think – you are growing and changing in so many positive ways every day – I can see it happening right before my eyes!

HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY – I LOVE YOU LAUREN!!!!!

The Birthday Girl, Herself!

How Sad is This?

2005-01-08T00:25:00.000-08:00

I just realized that every time I post a new comment, or view my comments, or refresh the view of my own blog, my hit counter goes up by 1. Here I have been thinking that people are looking at what I have to say (which is ironic, because until I got my first comments, I had never even expected ANYONE to be looking at it except me - but once I started getting comments, I started LIKING the fact that someone was reading it. Now it turns out that the 1500+ hits are probably mostly my own anal checking to make sure everything looks ok or double-checking my spelling (yes, I KNOW there is a spell-checker available to me, but I pride myself on the fact that I am a being of superior intellingence and spelling skills, as well as an impeccable typist (I'm also the type of person who can get something level by "eyeballing it"). Damn technology for giving me false hope! ...osm

What Started as a Comment....

2005-01-08T00:05:00.000-08:00

Has again become a whole post!

I originally penned this as a reply to a comment from JustMe - and then:

Hey JM - thanks for the offer!! One of these days (when I finally get caught up on things I SHOULD be doing - like work) I will probably take you up on that!! I found some templates already out on blogger that I liked (one called "Tequila" really caught my eye - but maybe that's because I think I NEED some tequilas, lol). I really want to find one like that and then tweak it to make it MINE MINE MINE!!! (with the original creator's permission, of course, I guess)

I could spend WAY too much time doing this - which is probably why it's either feast or famine around here - because when I'm blogging, I'm not doing much of anything else. That would be fine, If blogging PAID the bills, I guess!! I could stand to support myself by just talking about random stuff and pointing out other people's weaknesses - how groovy would that be? oops - see - I'm regressing into a whole post now - I better quit before I use up all my ideas in a comment/reply!!

Oh what the hell!! I'll just make it a post. There. Done.

So far tonight, I've spent about 6 hours cruising the blog "drag". I've laughed out loud and sent some emails and written some comments and wondered about why some of my other blogger friends haven't posted in 2 days (when they usually post at LEAST every day) - everything ok out there?? Maybe I'm just getting a taste of my own medicine for being a negligent blogger and being away for so long without any warning? I doubt it - although I know some people noticed my absence, (and they are after all THE most important people), it didn't really cause a very big ripple in the big scheme of things. Especially not compared to what's been going on elsewhere in the world, eh?

I suppose I should just give it up for tonight and head for bed - I agreed to keep my niece while my sister works tomorrow morning, which means I'll be getting a phone call around 7am to tell me to get up and answer the door (it's 2am now). YIPES!!!

Just in case I don't blog again tomorrow(/today?) - my oldest daughter turns 21 today (Jan 8). O M G - that can't be!! I still need to write a not to her to be given with her birthday gift from me - a pearl necklace that was started for me upon my birth, with a new pearl added every year on my birthday - until I turned age 20 (which means it now has 21 pearls on it, duh). I think that's very fitting, don't you? I also purchased a very inexpensive car stereo w/cd for her at wmart the day after Christmas (I already gave that to her). I'm still waiting for her to get it installed. She better hurry up, or I'll be taking it back to pay for our dinner out at Logan's tonight (no, I mean later tonight on Saturday - gosh it's weird to type about today when I still haven't been to bed yet last night). So, if you're in Amarillo and want to drop by Logan's Roadhouse around 6pm tomorrow/tonight - we'll be the table of geeks with a birthday cake making her stand in a chair while we sing "Happy Birthday"!!!

Anyway - y'all wish her a Happy Birthday, would ya? I'm not exactly sure how to share it with her - but I'll figure something out. I'm certainly NOT going to publish her email address online, and although she knows I HAVE a blog, she doesn't actually know the name of it - nor has she ever read it (that's by design, so that I can say whatever I want without offending/hurting feelings or having it held against me later - not that she's prone to that type of thing). Anyway, she's basically the poster child for parenting - everyone we knew who didn't have kids WANTED one after she was born because she was JUST SO DARN ADORABLE!! And she still is - most of the time - and she sure makes me glad to be her MOM!!! Happy Birthday, Pnknhaid!!! ...osm

Ok, one more....

2005-01-05T23:08:00.000-08:00

I can't decide if this is so ironic just because I am a NATURAL blonde, or because our new kitten is white?? (Incidentally, we named him using one of those "find your new name" email thingies that went around a while back - using my youngest daughter's name - and it was the ONLY name she'd actually call him besides "baby kitty") ...osm

Your Porn Star Name is:

Albino Kitty

Get your own Porn Star Name

Cheeseball Applebuns - the "Albino Kitty"?

What Kind of Soul are You?....

2005-01-05T21:39:00.000-08:00

I was really kind of scared to see what might pop up when I hit enter on this thing - thankfully, it wasn't unkind! ...osm

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Um... OK, let's try this again!

2005-01-05T20:23:00.000-08:00

Hidey-ho!

I know it's been a while, but I'm finally making time to get out here and post. I've really just had a small bit of time and I've mostly spent that commenting on other blogs (and not very well, I might add).

Since it's a new year, it seems like a good time to make a FRESH start - so - I am DEFINITELY going to change the template for my blog. Problem is (as I understand it), I will lose all my previous comments? but not my posts, right?

Anyone who knows about this (has DONE IT?) PLEASE, PLEASE contact me!!

I have a brand new (thanks, Chuck) gmail account - and you should be able to get me by following the link in my profile.

I want to get this up and running sometime this week, if possible - so I can really get started on some posts!! I have missed talking to (and hearing from) my blogger friends!!!

I hope you all had a great CHRISTMAS (yes, I celebrate Christmas as a Christian person and I'm not about to go diluting what that means to me by calling it "holiday season", sorry!)!! And - if you happen not to celebrate Christmas, that's ok - I hope you are well also!! At the VERY least, I REALLY hope you had a safe and happy NEW YEAR's celebration!!! ...osm

Toddler-isms

2004-12-14T18:07:00.000-08:00

As I'm walking through the livingroom a few minutes ago, my daughter was sitting in the floor playing cards (her version).

Miss A: "Look, Mommy, I'n pwain' a game!"

Me: "Yes, that's right you are, baby."

Miss A: "I'n two... ena.... haff, Mommy!" (obviously she took exception to being called 'baby') ....osm

2004-12-06T19:49:00.000-08:00

Behold, The Queen of the Trailer Park

My Apologies and Other Assorted Stuff....

2004-11-23T21:34:00.000-08:00

OMG - I just checked and realized I have had my thousandth hit according to my blog counter. And to think I haven't even posted in what, 2, maybe 3 weeks????

Of course, those thousand hits are probably made by the same handful of very nice people who check in on me from time to time - and at least probably 800+ of those from Chuck - just to make me feel important!!!

I have started to post about a million times - no, really, a million - but somehow my distracted frame of mind has always taken hold and won out, and I've managed to just continue wandering aimlessly through cyber space - if not life in general.

Things here have been up and then down - and then up and WAY down again since the last time I was here.

It is the start of the holiday season for me - Thanksgiving is the day after tomorrow (probably will be tomorrow before I finish this post, even). I love the holidays. This year will be a tough one for me, though, as I have managed to alienate my son after the events which have transpired over the past 7 days, and as of right now I have no idea where he even is - and he wants it that way.

Tough love isn't called that because of how hard it is on the recipient - it's called that because it's really tough on the one having to dish it out. Al-anon members would call it refusing to enable the alcoholic/addict. I call it pure hell. And I'm only about 48 hours into it.

A friend's husband saw my son today - in a pawn shop. He was with 2 other boys, and my son was pawning "a few things from the back of his truck" as he told my friend. Funny thing is, I don't know where he got the items described to me - and I don't even have a complete inventory of what he DID pawn, because the friend didn't want to appear nosey. I can tell you that the two items that were reported didn't belong to my son - at least as far as I know - or as far as his father will admit to me. We (both families) both have Nintendo 64 game systems - but they are both still in our possession, and the other item was a guitar amplifier - but my son never had one of those while he lived with me, nor does his father recall him having one - so....???

Of course, it IS possible that these items belonged to either of the other two boys with my son - and it is also possible that neither of these boys were of the age of majority, so my son pawned the items for them. Who knows? Given the fact that he used my debit card to take $20 out of my checking acct (use of the debit card was permitted - but not for the cash - he was to get gas only) - followed by a good 30 minutes of "not remembering" said transaction and/or denying it. I finally got an "Oh yeah, NOW I remember - I DID get money out of your acct at a pulse machine because I was hungry" but only AFTER I said I would just call and have the bank pull the security tapes of the transaction in order to identify the responsible party. Of course, he takes offense at the use of the word "thief" in conjunction with such actions - I told him if he could think of another word that means the same thing, I'd like to know - and would be happy to use it. And of course, my use of the word "thief" - along with "liar" and "loser" are now the basis for our "going our separate ways" - because he cannot continue to feel welcome in a house where he is not trusted. (Just so you know, those words were not the only ones used - but the ones he's chosen to focus on/take out of context and turn back on me - it doesn't matter that I said how much I love him and how much it kills me to think that he might be a liar/thief/loser, etc....)

Did I mention that I also asked to have my house key back?

Let me just say that I AM thankful for a lot of things this year. And I guess the top of my list is that I had the privilege of fighting with my son two days ago - at least I got to hear his voice, and at least I know for now he's alive because someone saw him today. I don't know how far this will go - or for how much longer it will continue. I pray that it has a positive resolution - with no loss of life or liberty - and I want my son to know that I miss him and love him very much. More than he can even comprehend.

I stand by the words I've spoken - harsh as they may be. I hope that maybe I can help him hit bottom (or the point at which he decides to return) sooner and with less suffering on his part or anyone else's, and that maybe he won't feel he's painted himself so far into a corner that he cannot get out - or ask for help getting out. I pray that God will heal my heart and my son's and that somehow, some day we can love (maybe I should say "like" here instead of "love" - I will always love him) and trust one another again. I pray that the phone has no need to ring in the middle of the night - or at any other time of day - with the message that he is injured or in jail.

I really pray that everyone who knows me and who knows what I'm going through can just not look at me with that hurt in their eyes anymore. I don't want to talk about it - I don't want to think about it - I don't want to deal with it anymore. I'm done. I just want my life back - and I don't want to be in charge anymore either. I don't want to yell or cry anymore. I'm tired. I want to rest and be restored. I want some idea of what next step to take. I want to be heard. I want to be trusted. I want to be loved. I need some relief. some help. some hope.

And then the sun comes up, and I hear "Mama? Where are yooooou?" and I know I have to go on - I have to be in charge - I cannot rest or yell or cry or even care if I'm heard or trusted or loved. There is no relief - and yet there is. I am a MOM - this IS my life. I AM HER HOPE. And I am thankful, still. ...osm

Riding in Cars with Toddlers

2004-11-06T08:23:00.000-08:00

What you could have actually heard this past Thursday night in my car:

[driving down a busy city street - 3 lanes in either direction and it's dark outside and there are stoplights about every block - we pull up to an intersection and stop]

From the backseat: "Go, mama, go!!"

I say: "Pumpkin, do you see that light up there? What color is it?"

She says: "Umm................Bwown!" [at which point the light immediately turns green] "Umm...Gween!"

I say: "That's right!! It just turned green - and that means we can GO! Before, it was RED, not brown - and red means we have to stop and wait for it to turn GREEN before we can go again."

[next intersection - stopped]

She says: "GO! Mommy, GO!!"

I say: "What color is the light this time?"

She says: "Umm....... WED!!!"

I say: "YES, very good - and what does red mean?"

She says: "Ummmm.......................... Sanna Kwaus!!!!!"

[i laughed all the rest of the way down the street - we hit ALL the green lights after that!!! (thanks, Santa!!)] ...osm

Dropping the Ball...

2004-11-04T06:05:00.000-08:00

Seems to be a recurring theme for me these days.

I can't stay long this morning - I have to get the little one dressed and ready to go to "play school" and stop to get her stuff for lunch before we get there since I forgot what day it was yesterday.

I'm still here - feeling kind of overwhelmed and wondering why the hell I can't just let things be and why I have to keep on at my son (much like I did his father) until I nearly make him crazy.

Bottom line is, I let a little bit of information from my son's stepmother, coupled with the fact that I get NO information from my son himself or his father, drive me into a complete panic. I start making phone calls to his friends' parents, the police department/court house, anyone I can think of that I can get a number for, completely convinced that he must surely be totally under the influence of God-knows-what-all chemical substances and surely is drowning in a pit of chemical dependency and despair and the poor kid is merrily driving his way to meet me for what he thinks will be dinner with me and his sisters while he's in town visiting and instead he gets an ambush in a parking lot with an hysterical mother who wants to yank him up and take him to the nearest mental health facility and check him in to "dry out" and get some help.

Part of this fear comes from knowing that his father is an alcoholic and that alcoholism also runs on my side of the family and that his having Attention Deficit Disorder and having been on Ritalin makes him more susceptible to chemical dependency issues.

I think the plain truth is, he is a kid who probably accepts a joint when it's passed to him at a party and does likewise with beer or other alcohol. And maybe he IS or WILL BE chemically dependent, but after seeing him last night, I don't believe he was under the influence of anything then. I think he's pretty much a normal teenager, and the bad thing for him is that his older sister was NOT a normal teenager because she's always been an exceptionally good kid - never challenged the rules much, never partied, always came home when she was supposed to, only once since she's turned 18 (she'll be 21 in January) has she tried to defy a direct order to "come home now". He on the other hand, challenges my authority at every turn - a lot like (and this is the part that scares the shit out of me) I did with my parents - except that I was much more subtle about it (I thought) and rarely did I do anything that I got caught at before I actually just told on myself. I tended to spill the beans about things I had done voluntarily - maybe not right away - sometimes months or even years after the fact - but I did finally confide in my mom, who I knew would always stand by me in the big pinches.

I know I posted before about a recent incident where my son sold some pills to his younger step brother and he in turn sold them to a kid at his school. So maybe this is another reason (and perhaps you agree with me) that I feel justified in thinking the absolute worst and acting on that assumption without waiting to weigh the evidence from ALL parties involved. I honestly don't know anymore. As it turns out, his version of the drug-dealing incident is vastly different from what his father told me - and I suspect the truth is somewhere in the middle - but I still jumped his ass about it first and asked questions later.

I have friends who have not had contact with their kids for over a YEAR because the kid got so involved in drugs and alcohol and totally refused any help - and was of an age of majority - that they finally said "if you want to live your life that way, that's your prerogative, but you can't do it here" and so the kid took off. Do I agree with their "tough love" approach - yeah, I do - but when I start to think about putting that principle into action with my own child - and the possibility that he might just say "screw you!" and go away - it scares the living daylights out of me.

The worst part is, when he starts spitting my words and actions back out at me - and describing to me what I have done, it really sounds like I am a nut case and that I'm the one who should be locked up to dry out - and I haven't had a drink in weeks (and I only have one or two at a time when I do drink), nor have I done any kind of drug stronger than marijuana in my entire life, and not but maybe twice as an adult. How does that happen? How do I lose control? How can I be SO sure one minute that he's a lying, conniving, chemically-dependent zombie who has no clue what he's doing to his life and then lay eyes on him, talk to him, watch him move and act and talk and suddenly wonder what the hell is wrong with me??

I'm sitting here typing all this out - and then it suddenly occurs to me to say "you were PLAYED" and I know that's what you must be thinking as you're reading it. But the truth is I'm not sure I was played - I know I wasn't completely wrong, but I wasn't completely right, either. Why does this have to be so hard??? Why can't I just take what I know about parenting, drug and/or alcohol addiction, co-dependency, and the wisdom of Dr. Phil and just put it into action?? I can sure as hell tell YOU how to do it if it's YOUR kid - but make it MY kid, and I lose all sense of direction. The world starts tumbling and turning until I feel like I'm under water and disoriented - not knowing if I'm swimming toward the surface or plunging deeper into the murky depths toward certain destruction.

All I know right now is - he just called and said "Mom, I'm just telling you I'm about to leave to head back down there" ("there" being near Forth Worth, TX where he's lived for the past year with his father until they just up and left a few weeks ago - you can read back a few posts to find out about that). He's decided to withdraw from school, go to the police dept/courthouse and try to make arrangements to take care of his outstanding tickets/warrants (which is what started all this mess this time around in the first place) and then come back HOME.

I'm not sure right now if he means he's coming to MY home or to stay with his dad about 60 miles from here - I pray he will come to me - where he's been his whole life except for this past year of hell - and maybe we can start to rebuild our relationship and he can get his world right. I don't know if mine will ever be right. I really need to figure out, though, because now I have another precious child to raise and I don't have the luxury of just sitting around wondering where I went wrong. I really need a hero. I'm tired - and I don't want to BE my own hero anymore (not that I have been up till now).

All I care about is that even if he's not at my house, he'll be where I can lay eyes on him at least weekly (daily would be better) - not to mention being able to put my arms around him and tell him I love him - and maybe even kick his ass if he needs it. ...osm

If Only I Knew Then What I Know Now - Part I...

2004-10-21T14:20:00.000-07:00

To Chuck over at Marriage Made Online:

You are posing the hypothetical question like in Peggy Sue Got Married, right? You go back, but you know everything you've learned along the way??

I would go back to 1978 and not have sex for the first time with the person I did. In fact, I would not have had sex with at LEAST 90% of the people I did have sex with. (Keep in mind, that doesn't mean there have been a lot, but there have definitely been TOO many.)

I'm not sure whether or not I'd change the real loves of my life - or my marriage (in that I wouldn't have done it). True, it would mean I don't have the kids I have now, but maybe they would have been born to better circumstances and better relationships in families with a mom AND a dad and who love and respect each other. That is the toughest question of all.

Maybe I WOULD go ahead and marry my ex-husband, but be a better wife this time around and do what I know could have saved our marriage and then we'd still be together and it would be good.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not wishing for what might have been - the way it was - it was not good and he's been a complete failure as a father to our two children. But I can look back and see where I could have changed things (knowing him like I do) - and he really did want to do better. I KNOW I COULD HAVE (done better)!!!

Of course, if we hadn't divorced, I'd never have gone down this latest path, and I wouldn't have my youngest daughter (again - my kids are the ONLY thing to give me reason to second-guess myself). Or maybe I would have her, but she would have a different last name, who knows??

Gee, Chuck - thanks for making me have to get all deep and philosophical and stuff. I think I need a drink, now!! Anybody got tequila??? I think I'll call my sister and have her pick up some on her way home. ...osm

LOL - I Just Heard (read) the Funniest Thing!

2004-10-20T20:27:00.000-07:00

Well, it WOULD be funny if it wasn't for the thing about this being MY LIFE!!

The Birds and the Bees

A father asked his 12-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears."Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'."

"At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny speech.'

"When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Tooth Fairyspeech'."

"If you're going to tell me now that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Wish I'd written that one - and copyrighted it!! ...osm

Arrrgghhh.... The Voices In My Head!!

2004-10-20T19:20:00.001-07:00

I have been barraged with ideas for posts lately. I KNEW I should have come and put them out here - at least as drafts - the minute I thought of them. Now, here I sit and I cannot even construct a complete sentence. Sheesh!!

I'm chatting a friend who lives in New York right now. She IM'd me to say "Turn on Wifeswap - I went to school with one of the girls on there." I asked which one, and she said "Audrey". Wow - small world, eh? Everyone knows someone who's had at LEAST their 15 minutes of fame, I guess. Mine is a pretty short list - but at the top of it is Jimmy Dean of sausage fame (my father is mentioned in his book). I'll go into that more someday when we REALLY want something to talk about. In fact, I will only write about it if you request it through comments - how's that???

It's also funny to me how UNreal reality tv is. It seems that Miss A's life is not exactly the one they portray. I mean - she IS hardworking and a genuine person, but she is hardly a slave for her husband's business. In addition, it seems that her husband is actually a pretty nice guy. He'd have to be to put up with the shit this new wife is putting him through - having him do ALL the work in the barn AND cook her breakfast in bed. According to my friend, the whole family is a typical farm family - all working hard from daylight to dark and they HAVE to ALL be that way or they don't survive. I think Miss Uppity-Woman from the easy life could have benefited from a few more days in the barn!! Paris, Nicole - are you paying attention?? This is what you look like (or will in about 30 years).

I'm thinking that the rich lady will be lucky to have her life left when she gets back. I wonder if her husband would be interested in moving out to the trailer park after the divorce???? hmmmmm.... Richard, honey - there's a girl in Texas who'll cook and clean for YOU if you promise just to go to work every day and bring him a paycheck and be nice to me - and of course be my bedroom Romeo! Oh, and I'll work, too - and I don't expect a new car or sculptured nails or designer clothes - unless you just REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want me to have them!!!

I'm still waiting for the episode of one of these type of shows where one set of the swapped wives/husbands has an affair and then the shit will really hit the fan!!!!

Ok, that's all I can stand for now - I know it's not much - I PROMISE I'll find something better to talk about tomorrow - or later tonight - or whatever and that I WILL POST SOMETHING before the weekend. ...osm

Ok, I'm Officially Advertising...

2004-10-14T18:06:00.000-07:00

for a husband!

I've been reading a lot lately about couples who met online and married - and who made it work (or ARE making it work).

I'm tired of being alone, so I thought I would officially advertise for a new husband /partner /mate /love slave /better half - whatever you wish to call it is FINE BY ME!

Every personal ad contains an "About Me" section and a "My Perfect Mate" section, so here goes:

About Me:
I'll get back to this later - I can't seem to get started here right now.

My Perfect Mate:
Ok, first of all, I am willing to admit that NO ONE is perfect. But I do believe that it is possible to find someone who is perfect FOR me. I am NOT in the business of "fixing" anyone, so I will just concentrate on finding someone I can take "as is" (and who is willing to do the same). If I happen to inspire this person to "be a better man" (thanks, Jack!), then so be it.

What is important to me? Wit, humor, intelligence, patience, good solid fiscal policies (mine suck - this doesn't mean I want your money - just please know how to manage it with diplomacy and kindness) - oh yeah, kindness in general, that's another good trait. Sex appeal - I want to find you irresistibly sexy and vice versa - I think it starts in the eyes and the smile. Mmmmmm smiles - I love lips, don't you?? And the little crinkles of laugh lines - gorgeous.

Self-confidence is a good one, too - not arrogance or cockiness - the ideal guy might not even know he exudes confidence, that's ok, too. No, I'm NOT trying to sound like a romance novel - I'm trying to be honest here, and HEY - it's MY fantasy, right??

Body type: homo sapiens. Yeah, there are certain physical attributes about various people that either turn me on or off, but I can't say it's the same for everyone. I've been very attracted to some men who were large (hell, I'm LARGE), and I can't say that if I were PICKING my most sexy features that two or three chins would be a plus, but again - it is an individual attraction thing.

While we're talking about chins - let me just say - I'm not afraid of facial or body hair - but don't try to hide them with it, ok? Hairy chest, smooth chest - no difference to me, really. I just saw a teaser for a tv "news" show doing a piece about men who are waxing their chests for their women. PUHLEEZE. I'd rather have the money to pay bills with, ok? You don't ask me to wax my chest/chin/bikini area (sorry, guys) and I won't ask you, ok?? Now if you want me to keep the grass trimmed, ok by me, by I'm NOT RIPPING IT OUT BY THE ROOTS FOR YOU. NO way, huh uh - nope. I've always had sort of a problem with guys who want a woman bare-shaven - I guess it makes me wonder if they are pretending/fantasizing that - oh never mind - I just can't go there. Now I'm not saying that it's entirely out of the question after a nice long soak in a bubble bath and LOTS of alcohol, but, that's another blog, lol.

Let's go back to the intelligence quotient. I don't so much care whether or not you are college-educated (I myself do not have a college degree, but I do have over 90 college hours), but it probably would help if we are both on the same playing field, intellectually speaking. I'm not talking about all symphonies and libraries and ballets, although those things are nice - and I'd LOVE to be with someone who can appreciate those things, but I am also very happy to watch football, basketball, baseball, or professional wrestling. Just PLEASE don't overtly drool and/or comment about how you wonder what it would be like to nail any of the cheerleaders for any professional sports team or any of the women of the WWF, k? Oh - and NEVER, EVER mention Catherine Zeta Jones in a wistful, lusty way, and we'll be fine.

Speaking of which, let me just pause for a moment to give men everywhere a small hint. Don't comment on how hot you think ANY other woman is in front of your wife/girlfriend/sex buddy. We KNOW you think other women are attractive, but (and I'm speaking only for myself here, maybe) it makes me feel really bad when you talk about how hot so-and-so is when I know I am the 100% polar opposite in body type and looks, ok? I may not say anything, chances are I probably won't (neither will I pout or withhold intimacy over it). But it will hurt my feelings, and I wouldn't hurt yours that way. I will have my own private fantasies about Tom Cruise or Sean Connery or Donny Osmond or Peewee Herman, but I won't ever let you think I might even REMOTELY be comparing you to them. BTW - just kidding about the Peewee Herman thing - I was just seeing if you were still reading. No, I wasn't kidding about Donny Osmond; what's your point?! Hey! - stop laughing - you say that like it was a bad thing.

Well geez, I've just been reminded that I should go to bed - I need my beauty rest if I'm gonna be putting myself "out there" on the (cyber) market. I will try to pick up where I left off next time.

Oh, and one more thing - I talked to my son today (briefly). He sounded really good - not sullen or defensive, but more like the little boy I raised. And (it's my fantasy still, remember?) I'm choosing to believe him when he says he is going to class and not doing any drugs and will never, EVER, EVER do something like that again and that it really wasn't the way it was retold to me. His father has talked to a lawyer about the whole situation involving the younger stepbrother,and he (the lawyer) seems to believe that the school is going to keep it between the 3 boys involved at school and no charges will be filed. I'll admit I have mixed feelings about this. I love him. I'm not stupid, but just for now, can't I just go along with it?? Maybe it IS the truth - it's entirely possible. I'll keep my eyes open, but leave the rose colored glasses on just a bit longer, if you don't mind.

Goodnight!! ...osm

Tequila and Salt

2004-10-13T08:35:00.001-07:00

I got one of those feel-good kind of emails today - but I really did feel good after I read it, so I thought I would just stick it up out here and hopefully make someone else feel good. (Especially since I'm not getting any right now - I might as well make someone feel good the only way I can, right? HA HA)

Anyway, here you go! And if there are any copyrights or acknowledgements that need to be made, I apologize - I have no clue who originally wrote this one (although I suspect no one person did it, but rather it is the result of a billion forwarded messages that have been altered by a lot of different people at one time or another - so in that respect, I might as well give Al Gore credit for it, since he invented the internet in the first place.) The comments in blue are entirely my own. ...osm

You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for. (No, this does NOT include Ben & Jerry, Tom & Jerry, or Bob & Tom)

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way. (Some are better in some ways than others, I just recommend that you don't do them all together at once, and, yes, if you include the family dog, that is a CRIME in most states.)

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you. (Except if I hate you, and then it's because you are one of my exes, or someone who has done some irreparable harm to me or my family, in which case you a stupid, worthless piece of garbage, and I wouldn't cross the street to spit on you if you were on fire.)

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you. (Especially true if you leave a table full of friends playing cards to go off with your girlfriend for about 15 minutes and come back with a pubic hair stuck between your teeth - and you don't know it!!)

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep. (They could also be praying that you are attacked and torn to pieces by wild dogs, or that you get caught having sex in the bathroom at work, but hey - at least they THOUGHT about you, right?)

6. You mean the world to someone. (Probably your unemployed husband/boyfriend who does nothing but lie on the couch all day watching Jerry Springer or surfing the internet for porn or new phone sex numbers. This same person will also expect you to bring home the bacon AND fry it up in a pan AND do the laundry AND carry out the trash AND change your own flat tires while he watches a ball game on TV.)

7. You are special and unique. (Translated, this means - you are ugly and your mother dresses you funny - which is why you are alone.)

8. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you. (Do the words "internet stalker" mean anything to you? I sure hope you don't have any identifying information posted online that would allow someone to find your address.)

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it. (Especially if you can sue someone else for it like the idiot lady who spilled McDonald's coffee in her lap.)

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look. (Actually, you should really just watch your back, cover your ass, etc.... Remember, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you!)

11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks. (Until later when you have plenty of time to plot the demise of those who would say rude things about you. If you start talking in public about how you're going to get even, someone might hear you and turn you in.)

When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt..... AMEN!

I Think, Therefore I Know McDonald's SUCKS!!

2004-10-12T20:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, sorry. I've been reminded (more than once) that I haven't posted in a while. Well sorry - I've been distracted lately.

I have some things to get off my chest. But before I go there, let me just say - I have no real update to my earlier posts about the drama otherwise known as "my life", and suffice it to say that for now, no new is good news, 'k?

Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.

I know I'm not the first person to be ticked off in a drive-thru window. But today, I have finally been freed from the McDonald's habit once and for all. Thank you, Jesus, say AMEN!!! Ok, it really wasn't that dramatic, but - whatever.

In the (recent) past, I admit to being a fast-food junkie. Mainly because I was just too depressed (and/or lazy) to go to the grocery store and keep stocked. Not to mention the fact that would have involved some kind of planning, cleaning, and organizing - YUCK. Result? Well, for one thing, I gained about a 100# in the past yr (not quite, but close). So anyway, I have just recently managed to give up the fast food diet and have opted to set a better example for my young daughter - the older two already grew up thinking that "leftovers" was a special meal. In addition, I have really tried to give up sugar - to the extent that I no longer use it to sweeten my tea (horror of horrors for a good southern gal) or my coffee, and I have given up regular "cokes" for the diet variety, but have REALLY cut back on all carbonated beverages in general. I also try to be smarter about bread and other sugary/carb-laden foods - but only in baby steps. I can't have any major shocks to my system. And in addition, I got a new dishwasher, which REALLY solved the kitchen cleaning problem, so I really haven't minded cooking so much anyway.

Anyway, today I had my nephew (school was out) and one of his little buddies under my supervision for the whole day - but, alas, I haven't made a recent trip to the grocery store and I was not prepared to fix lunch for little kiddies today. Instead, I let them pick a place and went to pick it up. Naturally, they opted for McDonald's, and I was off with an order that sounded more like I was feeding a pro football team than two 11 year-old boys and a 2 year-old cherub. So, I get in line - and finally I get a chance to give my order to the little silver box. Never mind the fact that I had to ask IF they had triple cheeseburgers because they're NOT on the menu, and when I asked "how much they cost", the clerk must have thought I spoke a foreign language - all I got in reply was the subtotal of my order so far. Geez, ok, never mind, I'll just order double cheeseburgers off the $1 menu. At the end of it all, I got the total and was told to pull forward - and THEN I remembered THE APPLE PIES FOR DESERT. The boys each wanted two of them - no biggie because they are 2/$1, right? After some checking from the invisible end of the silver box, I was told that they only had 2 apple pies, would 2 cherry pies be ok (along with the 2 apple ones). Well DUH?? They are sweet and sugary, aren't they?? NO PROBLEM!! So now, I am given an amended total of $16.83 and asked to pull forward.

Upon reaching the 1st window, I was greeted by, (bless her heart) some woman who I KNOW had been an extra in Deliverance. She tells me they made a mistake (say it ain't so) and that they only have 2 apple pies and one cherry pie - so is that ok? I say "sure, just give me what you have" - the boys will just have to make do. About 7 minutes later, she turns around and says "Ok, ma'am, that will be $16.60." What?? I get a $.20 break for the price of ONE pie? TWENTY CENTS?? That's all?? Then why are they 2/$1 on the menu?? By MY calculations, that's $.50. Ok, ok - you are right - it's not like it's a huge amt of money - but - I would correct them if they undercharged me (most likely - especially if I caught it right away) - and, c'mon - I've already had them change their minds 3 times about what's available.

So, I say - "look, I don't want to be petty, but - are you telling me that the difference in price in my order is only $.20 for 3 pies instead of 4??" The girl says "well, the cherry pies are $.89 each." Ok, shut the hell up. I ORDERED APPLE. You didn't have apple and offered to substitute cherry and I very good-naturedly agreed. No bitching about it - just "sure, no problem" and NOW you are telling me that because YOU are out of what I ordered, you are going to charge me MORE for the substitution?? I say "But wait, the pies are 2/$1 on the value menu, and I ordered TWO, I can't help it if you only had one." Deer in the headlights look from the clerk. She finally managed to stammer "Well, I don't know - I just pushed the button to order one cherry pie, since that's all we have." That was it. The whole explanation. And then, she just stood there looking at me like she was waiting for pigs to fly out of my butt.

By this time, there were no less than 7 other cars behind me (I had been the ONLY one in line when I pulled up).

So I just said "never mind, that's fine", took my change, and pulled to the 2nd window to get my order, fully intending once there to ask for the manager on duty. When I got there, a younger, thinner version of the 1st clerk opened the window, shoved two HUGE sacks and a happy meal at me without even speaking, let alone making eye contact. As I was putting the sacks down in the seat, and the drive-thru window was closing, she said "Thanks." So much for asking for the manager, I had two 11 year-old boys and a sleeping 2 year-old at home waiting - I was really in kind of a hurry, since the LAST thing I wanted was to come home to sirens and child protective services.

Fortunately, I've been listening to the news a LOT lately and I found out (again, probably) that ONE BIG MAC has about 1400 calories. That's probably MORE than I need to eat per day to lose the weight those damn things put on me in the first place. Thank GOD today gave me the willpower to NEVER DARKEN THEIR DOORSTEP AGAIN.

Probably NOT the entertaining story you were looking for - but I never promised anything but rants about my every day life. Compared to what I've had lately, this is actually a welcome nuisance, I guess.

Are you happy now, Chuck?? ...osm

To Answer Your Question(s)....

2004-10-05T23:01:00.000-07:00

Chuck over at Marriage Made On-line had this little quiz posted. I obligingly answered all his questions only to find that his new "haloscan" comment tracker doo-hickey won't accept posts over 1000 words or characters or some-odd something-or-other for accounts that aren't "upgraded", soooo I just decided to put the info here.

Hope you enjoy! (yeah, right - like you REALLY care? - well ok, maybe you do) ....osm

1. Your state/province/country - Texas - born in Lubbock (home to Buddy Holly and Mack Davis) - raised in Hereford (go South till ya' smell it, and West till ya' step in it), and currently I live near Amarillo.... do I REALLY need to tell you what country this means I'm in???

2. Your Sex - not in over 3 yrs, oh - uh - I mean - Female....

3. Your Marital Status - Divorced for so long, I should be able to answer "single" to this one....

4. How Many Kids - 3 - daughter 20, son 18, daughter 2 (yes, TWO and yes, I know where babies come from, lol)....

5. Your Education Level - Ah ben edjumakayted - ok, I don't have my college degree, but maybe someday I'll finish those last 20 or 30 hours....

6. Your Fave Sports Team - hmmmmmm - I haven't really had a favorite in a number of years - Maybe that's because I have no man in the house to share it with - anybody interested???....

7. Your Political Views - Laid-back conservative ??

8. Work Field - Virtual Recruiter - work from home, find people to go out and sell things and make lots of money doing it.... Need a Job???? I AM legit!!

9. Major Hobbies - Being Queen of the Trailer Park takes up most of my time, but if I had spare time, I'd probably sleep, or read, or throw darts, but I would never, ever, ever go to PRACTICE darts and end up drinking, dancing, and singing Karaoke - that's where babies come from!!!

10. Favorite Food - I'll eat anything that doesn't me first, and sometimes, even if he does!

11. Age at which You Lost Your Virginity - Sadly, 15 (but nearly 16) - why have most of us felt compelled to say we are not proud of this? Not sure - but I am not proud of it - and I hope my kids never know about it!!!

Huh?

2004-10-05T08:17:00.000-07:00

Okay - well - now that the last bit posted, the others show up too?? What's up with that?? Well GOOD, now I don't have to try and remember what I was ranting about, right? ...osm

Trying to Catch Up

2004-10-05T08:13:00.000-07:00

Just letting you guys know - I have tried a couple of times to post (really good stuff, too, dammit) - and then for some reason it won't go. I have not quit - I am just trying to remember what I wrote. I guess from now on, I'll create it in MSWord and then copy/paste it here so I don't lose it. ...osm

We Really Should Talk More Often....

2004-10-03T21:41:00.001-07:00

We should. But I've tried twice to post and fucking blog loses it every time I hit publish.

I give up - for now. ...osm

We Really Should Talk More Often....

2004-10-03T21:41:00.000-07:00

Sorry - Not sure exactly to whom I am addressing the apology - but I know I have been away for longer than I intended.

Every time I come to post, I get side-tracked reading someone else's infinitely MORE entertaining (and better written, and probably more important) blog.

I've had tons of good ideas - usually while I'm lying on my bed at the OTHER end of the trailer. Therefore, none of them have made it to the 'net. I soooooo yearn for the future days of a Jetson-like existence - with computer screens/input keypads/keyboards in every room, so that I can work from any room in the house and I can just roll over and type about whatever hits me - whenver it hits me. Boy, was that a long sentence (or incomplete phrase) or what??? whew!

At any rate, I'm here now - and can't think of a damn thing to post. I guess I'll tell you that I'm due in court in the morning at 9:30 and that I should be doing laundry, planning what to wear, and getting to bed early - but I'm not. I'm doing my usual passive-aggressive number.

Why am I going to court, you ask? Because my deadbeat asshole of an ex-husband owes me something like $80k in back child support (according to court records), and the Attorney General of the State of Texas is going to try and do something about it. Right? Right! Not that I'll ever see a dime - or even one penny of the money. You see, while my ex claims he cannot possibly spare one nickel to pay ME the money he owes ME for raising his kids BY MYSELF for 17+ yrs, he can damn sure hire an attorney who advises him to file bankruptcy after requesting a continuance of the original court date, which was 2 wks ago. Me? No attorney here. Nosireebob - I'm gonna just depend on the fact that the system will work!! (Can you say SUCKER??? I knew you could!!).

Now before you Y-chromosome carriers get all bent about what a money-grubbing piece of trash I am, let me clear a couple of things up. I am not the one who says the guy owes me $80k - in fact, I will readily admit he doesn't owe me that full amount(which is actually a principal amt of $40k plus interest). But of course the dumbass should have had the good sense to pay me through the courts as directed. Back in 1990-91 he wrote me some checks that bounced, and then quit paying me long enough to have an order of garnishment carried out. That worked until 1995 when he quit his well-paying job WITH benefits (he was ordered also to carry health insurance on the kids) to go to work with his brother doing paintless dent repair (you know, the guys that come to town after a really big hail storm and advertise to fix your car for loads less than the original insurance quotes, thus saving you money so you can go out and buy a couple of cases of beer or whatever?) Needless to say, after several months of keeping up the pretense by paying ontime, he started to get less and less reliable, sometimes going 7-8 months (or more) between payments that were NEVER up-to-date. Because of the bounced checks earlier, my bank would ALWAYS hold funds paid to me from his checking account the maximum time allowed by law (to be sure the check cleared) and so, given a choice, I'd ask for cash instead of a check - every time. YOU BET YOUR ASS. So now, of course, his claim is that he HAS paid me (most, if not ALL of what he owes me), and that he does have canceled checks to prove at least part of it (true - except that technically the court can tell him that ANY money given to me directly and not paid through the county clerk's office or ag's ofc is considered GIFT MONEY and not child support, but whatever), but the big claim of his is that I told him I wanted cash only so that I could come back later and hit him up for a HUGE amount of money. I deny every bit of it - and I'm just finally glad to be getting it over with. I've filed on him twice before, only to have him start paying his regular amount (which is what I've wanted all along) and then talk me into dropping the case. I'm done this time - whatever the court says he owes I'll be happy with - be it $80k or $80 - I DO NOT CARE. I just want this over with, done, decided - so that he can't try to make it into a "he said, she said" affair any longer. In addition, I carried the health insurance on our children for about 5 yrs (before it got just too expensive), and have been solely responsible for ALL of their healthcare costs. He never even bothered to visit when they were in the hospital, let alone pay a medical bill.

On a brighter note, he did ask me to meet him for lunch this past Friday so that he could tell me my son may soon be charged with selling drugs. Yeah, I'm thrilled to be here, folks! I can't begin to explain this now - which is probably one reason why I haven't posted in a while - and needless to say, my heart is breaking by the minute. My wonderfully smart, bright, funny, loving, obstinate, conniving, clown of a baby boy sold prescription drugs (not his) to his step-brother so he could in turn sell them to a kid at school. I want to die. I want to crawl in a hole and pull the ground over me and disappear. I can't even begin to imagine how he EVER in a million years could do something like that. Words escape me. Totally. I try to talk about it and nothing comes. Dreams come. Dreams that my son is dead, that my house is on fire and I can't get my kids out fast enough, dreams about storms of epic proportions that send me frantically searching the countryside looking for my children who I've lost and cannot find. I am so tired, but I don't want to sleep.

Do you have any idea what it's like to be dreaming that your child actually has died because he swallowed too many pills trying to have a good time, only to awaken and have that momentary flash that it WAS JUST A DREAM and then to realize that it might not actually be a dream for long???? It fucking sucks. I feel as though he is already dead. I have no way to contact him. No phone - the ex and his wife moved and left him there, remember? 400 miles from home. Thanks. Love ya, mean it. As of Friday afternoon, their number had been disconnected - so although he can stay at the house until the bank actually physically takes possession of it (oh, did I mention that my ex's new lawyer advised him to file bankruptcy because of the pending child support case? No, it won't relieve his obligation to pay the arrears due, but as long as he is IN bankruptcy, the Attorney General's office can make no attempt to collect arrears - only currently due amts and there are none in my case.) So although he can STAY at the house, there is NO PHONE THERE NOW. My ex-husband's take on the situation? "You can't MAKE him do anything - he's 18 - he has a right to be where he wants to be." Fucking pussy. He has no clue. You KNOW in your heart/head that legally you can't make them do anything - but you don't let the kid know that you know. You're damn sure gonna at least get caught trying, right??

I'll be making a trip down there as soon as I can get the money for gas. All I can do is pray that he IS going to class still and that he has realized what a stupid, awful thing he did and that he's not continuing to do it - and that I can find him, beat the living shit out of him (and some sense into him), then hug him, pack him up, and bring him the fuck home again with me.

Say a little prayer for me, would you? I need all the help I can get, and I'm not exactly on speaking terms with God right now. Oh, I know he's there, and that he's listening, I just don't know how to thank Him for all this - not yet. Maybe someday - we'll see. ...osm

O M G - Did I Just Send that Email??

2004-09-23T06:43:00.000-07:00

Well, here goes nothing.

I just sent an email to my boss because I haven't been paid a big commission check (and I work on 100% commission) for a placement I made back in JULY. Now let me just say this: there are a LOT of recruiters working for this company who have made WAY more placements than I, but I really think I might have been more motivated to make placements if I had ever yet received ONE CHECK ON TIME.

I was told when I started that I would have my commission checks an average of two weeks after the candidate's start date. Not so. To date, no check for a placement has made its way to me in less than 6 wks after the candidate started work. I have been getting them, admittedly, but NOT in a timely manner.

Yesterday, I found out that my ex-husband and the step-wife have packed up and moved out of their house, back up here, leaving my 18 y/o son to fend for himself 400 miles away from ANYONE who cares about him. Did they call to tell me this?? FUCK NO. I only found out because I asked my oldest daughter to call their house and ask for her brother (long story, but suffice it to say that's the easiest way to get to talk to him). The step-wife just happened to be there - finishing the packing so that they can make the last trip back up here this weekend. (I have started a whole rant about this situation - so I won't go into it further here, I'll just post about it later.)

Suffice it to say, I'm at my wit's end, and not being paid for my work in a timely manner doesn't help. What did I do about it? Well, first I fired off the aforementioned email to my boss. Now I'm sitting here in a quandry. What happens if they let me go? Well, what's the difference? I'm not being paid anyway, right? (actually that's not true - I AM being paid, just not very promptly) What will I do if I do get fired? I have no clue.

Anybody know of any virtual recruiting jobs?? I would really like to be able to stay at home and work - and get paid.

HELP?!?!?!? ...osm

Just When You Thought It Was Safe....

2004-09-22T15:15:00.000-07:00

Lost Blog Entry - Originally penned 9/22/04 - just putting it out here for the heck of it now, I guess. ...osm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why did I bother to get out of bed today??

A quick recap of the past year (with maybe a little more history thrown in). I have been a single mom since my ex-husband and I separated when my middle child, my son, was 8 months old. (This was in April, 1987). My ex has never been a very active part of our two children's lives - but he has seen them on a regular basis. To hear him tell it, you'd think he was the very martyr for father's rights - but - whatever. He quit paying child support on any kind of regular basis a good number of years ago, and I probably would have overlooked it, except that everything (and everyone) else in his life always took precedence over our kids. There were missed birthdays, soccer and basketball games, piano recitals, band concerts - the whole gambit. Yes, he saw them at Spring Break, and usually got them the day after Christmas, but as far as calling to talk to them - or even to check on them - we never heard a word from him unless he was trying to set up a visit - and usually at the last minute. I could really go on and on here about how more than once my parents have turned around and brought my kids BACK into town (they were headed out on a vacation with them) so that the asshole could have them because he'd called on a whim. I have NEVER EVER tried to keep my kids from having a relationship with their dad (and just FYI, I have never called him "asshole" in front of them).

Anyhoo, I believe I posted early on in my blog about how I didn't let either of my children get their driver's licenses at age 16 - which I KNOW was a source of great irritation to them. Last summer, my ex took my then 17-year-old son for a visit, and when he brought him home at the end of the summer, had convinced my son to ask to go and live with his dad and his stepmom and 2 step-brothers and 2 half-sisters. I really was reluctant - truly I was. But my son can be very convincing, AND I really have seen how hard it has been for my oldest not having a relationship with her dad like she'd like to, so I said "ok". To quote Julia Roberts: "Big Mistake. Huge."

Back in Feb of 2002, I had tried to secure an attorney to take my ex to court over unpaid child support (according to court records, the principal amount totaled over $40k - not counting penalties and interest). Now granted, he has paid some money to me directly - but not NEARLY what he should have, so I would estimate (and it is ONLY an estimate) that the amount he actually owes (principal) is closer to about $25k - but after you add on the interest - it would probably come to more like $50k (since the $40k comes to over $70k). Neither here nor there, cuz all I ever really wanted was for him to pay the amount he had been ordered to pay back in 1989 when we finally divorced. After I filed with the attorney, and he got served papers, he started paying the correct amount, and continued to do so until our daughter turned 18 and graduated high school, then the amount dropped - with him still paying an extra $100/mo in arrears. Long story short, I didn't have the $$ to finish paying off my attorney in this matter, so we never went to court.

Fast forward to September 2003. I gave my son permission to go live with his dad. Child support stopped back in August. Well of COURSE it did - that was the whole idea, wasn't it? I couldn't say that to my son - how hurtful would that be? "Uh Sorry, son, but you see - the REAL reason you dad and the stepmonster want you to live with them is because they believe they won't have to pay support anymore if you do." But in the end, that's what happened - and after many heated exchanges with my ex, during one of which he threatened to take ME to court to make ME pay support - and I begged him to do that - to sum it all up, I just told him I'd let the Attorney General's office handle my case, and whatever the judge decided was fine with me - I was tired of being the bitch here.

In the end, my son ended up getting a GED because he could not transfer his private school credits from here to public school there. He is currently enrolled in Jr College this semester and working full-time at a local truck wash - where I hope he TRULY learns the value of a good education. There have been a LOT of bumps along the way, including, but not limited to marijuana use and sex. It has DRIVEN ME NUTS not to be directly involved in my son's life - he is more than 400 miles away from me, and his father's approach to parenting is "boys will be boys" and "he's 18 now, you can't make him do ANYTHING". But that's a whole other bitch session.

Supposedly things have been really good lately, and my son has been attending classes and doing well. Then comes today. I had my oldest daughter call her dad's house to see if her brother was there. (If I call, he's never there and nobody will tell me where he is or even that I've called). I really hate "using" my older daughter to get to her brother, but it's the only way through the step-wife. Sorry. Fact of life. It's not a problem with my son, it's a problem that the step-wife has with me talking to him - or to my ex for that matter. And no, I have NEVER EVER interfered in their lives - I have no reason to want to. The only exception I've ever taken to anything they do is where it affects my kids (negatively).

So anyway, my daughter "L" calls and the step-wife answers the phone. Lo, and behold - guess what they've done???? THEY HAVE UP AND MOVED AWAY. No idea where my son is - or who he'll be staying with. Her sons are so heavily involved in drugs that they felt it was best to move back up here and live in my ex's father's house and put her kids in school in the very small town where my ex grew up. But what about our son - my ex's oldest (and only biologcial) son?? Sorry, kid - we gotta move. Hope you're ok - give us a call sometime. Did anyone call me? NOOOOO. The only reason we got an answer to the phone call today is because the step-wife is there finishing packing - they will be completely out this weekend. Her words "we have no idea where "C" is. He got a prepaid cell phone last week, but when I asked him for the number, he said he didn't know what it was." That was it. Leave an 18 y/o kid on his own, 400 miles away from ANY kind of family - and not even a FUCKING PHONE CALL TO HIS MOTHER to tell her they're gonna do this.

Needless to say, I am beside myself

Rainy Day Griping....

2004-09-22T11:56:00.000-07:00

I'm so pissed.

I have been in bed sick since Monday night with the tummy bug that my littlest one had over the weekend. She was sick for about 5 hrs - I have been sick for about 36 hours now - with the only visible improvement being that I'm no longer puking or pooping.

So I FINALLY dragged myself into the ofc to the computer - only to find an instant message from an "old friend" directing me to what he described as an "EXCELLENT" website that I should check out at my "EARLIEST CONVENIENCE". Well, I'm trying to remain upright for at least an hour this time, so I figured what the heck.

Turns out, the website is all about people who fwd internet chainletters and spam. Now, I don't generally fwd anything that says "send this to 10 people" - the ONLY time I would consider it is NOT because the email tells me to, but because I liked what was in the email. Just so happens that I received a prayer in the mail the other day, and I liked what it said. I cleaned it up - of course I took out all the "fwd this" shit - and I sent it to about 5 people close to me that I thought could use this particular kind of a blessing. One of them was Mr. Neverfwdanythingtome Period (the one who had sent me the instant message).

Ok, maybe I asked for it. But I happen to know he is going through a lot right now, and I also know that he is a religious person (in that he believes in God, has studied the Bible, and prays - he's also been known to send a monthly donation to some nuns up in the Texas Panhandle, but I doubt he knows that I know this).

So I read the website - which I must say I found kind of high-handed and self-righteous - and the guy couldn't even use spell check?? I found that quite amusing, actually. Thus ensued the following instant message conversation: (yes the names have been changed, sort of)

OSM says:
are you trying to tell me something??
P says:
yes
P says:
sublety is not one of my virtues
P says:
i've told you before about that chain letter stuff
OSM says:
just to clarify - i always strip headers... never hit "reply to all" and do NOT forward mail... i DID send you the prayer about finances - but that was not a fwd.....
OSM says:
and the ONLY way a spammer can GET your email address from spam - is if it GETS back to them.... there is NO email tracking software
P says:
all it takes is ONE person on the list who knows how to sell it...sheesh
OSM says:
so if you GOT a fwd from me, it had to be from a virus.... because i have not - nor will i - fwd anything....
P says:
k

I think I'll set up a ghost email and start signing his ass up for everything from Rogane to Viagra - with maybe even a sex-change porn site thrown in for good measure! ...osm

2004-09-17T07:42:00.000-07:00

Gotta take this call from Cinderella, and then I'll be ready for school!

Sunrise, Sunset....

2004-09-16T08:07:00.000-07:00

Is this the little girl I carried?
Is this the little boy at play?
I don't remember growing older
When did they?

When did she get to be a beauty?
When did he get to be so tall?
Wasn't it yesterday
When they were small?

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly flow the days
Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers
Blossoming even as we gaze

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with happiness and tears

Not sure how to give credit for those lyrics, but you should recognize them as the words to "Sunrise, Sunset" from the musical "Fiddler on the Roof". Awesome.

Ok kiddies, I know I've been away for a while, but I'm back. I've been in such a funk lately that I couldn't even bring myself to spend the time sitting at the 'puter to pour my heart out. And if I could have, no one would have wanted to read the crap I was pissing and moaning about anyway. Soooo.....

Why the melancholy words to start today's ramblings?? Well, I took my baby (2 y/o) to her first day at what I am calling "Play School". Actually, she's just going to spend ONE day a week at a local church's Mother's Day Out program - but - since I've spent the entire last year with her almost every day (no babysitters) - only leaving her once in a while to spend the night with Gran-Jan and Aw-Paw (at their request), or on occasional evening forays while Big Sister or Auntie babysit, this is a MAJOR deal for me.

Why, you ask? Hell if I know!! I have two grown children already - I was pretty whiney about leaving them for the first time, too - but I also worked and/or attended school full-time from the time they were small, so it was just the way of life we had, and I had no other frame of reference.

For one thing, I've gotten really attached to my little miss - staying home with her all day, fixing lunch, yelling at her to stay out of stuff while I'm working, leaving her parked in front of PBS all day to let Big Bird babysit while I work (I'm KIDDING) - that kind of thing. (grin) I know that taking her to Mother's Day Out, is just the first of many steps she'll be making to grow away from me as she gets bigger. And, having two grown children, I guess I already know how quickly that will pass - so I'm REALLY trying to savor every moment I have with her. That's why I could only bring myself to send her one day a week instead of two. In my younger parenting days, I would have probably only slowed down, pushed her out of the car, and sped away looking forward to ME ME ME time. Funny how 20 yrs or so will change your perspective.

I think the other reason why I'm so guarded about our time together is because I know that she doesn't have a daddy - and I'm very protective of her because of that. She already knows that some other kids have a guy they call "Daddy" - and she actually (I'm not exaggerating here) asks about hers. For a while, she called one of my friend's husbands "Dad" because that's all she heard their son call him - I guess she thought it was his name. And one day she even brought the phone to me and said "Call my daddy?" Yeah - it about killed me.

Fucking Randy B. - who could pass up this little angel?? For any reason?? but - I'm not going to spoil my story bitching about him - he will burn in hell in his own good time, not mine. (bitter, much? you bet your ass!!)

It's probably a dangerous thing to do, but I'm going to post some pics of her with her new Disney Princess Backpack and Lunchbox - and her new duds from Gymboree (omg - am I going to be one of THOSE mothers??) Actually, the Disney Store was having a sale, and the backpack and lunch box were only $6 each, and the clothes at Gymboree were all on clearance - and, btw - I have NEVER EVER even set foot in a Gymboree store before last night. The only Gymboree clothes she's ever worn before this were purchased second-hand off of E-bay.

Last night, we washed her hair and rolled it up on sponge rollers - complete with a little satin sleeping cap to keep them all safely tucked in overnight. (I have pics of this, too) I could have given you pics of her modeling her new backpack - after her bath - with only the rollers and her flipflops to complete the wardrobe - but I was afraid of either a)being prosecuted for child pornography or b)attracting pedophiles - so I figured I'd better just keep that memory tucked away for just me.

So here I sit - I've been working today - kicking ass and taking names. I just figured I'd take the time to let you guys (all 3 or 4 of you) know that I'm still here and I will be writing some more. And I wanted also to say "Thank you, God, for my littlest angel. I am truly blessed that you have loaned her to me, and I want everyone to know that You are the most wonderful of all for letting me have her!" Amen! ...osm

Rita's Mother's Day Post....

2004-09-02T11:03:00.000-07:00

Rita -

Thanks for making me cry. Sorry I found your blog so long after the fact, but I am reading to catch up as quickly as I can. I just read your post about mother's day.

Funny how life hands us things and we just deal with them - but when we read about someone else's situation we think how extraordinary they are for what they've gone through.

Just in case it's of any consequence - after having raised my first two kids on my own following a divorce that started when my (then) youngest was 8 months old, at age 39 I found myself (still un-remarried) pregnant as well. It doesn't matter if you're 16, 29, or damn near 40 - it's a BIG DEAL. I underwent emergency surgery (c-section) the day my youngest daughter was born - and she spent 5 days in NICU due to blood ph levels out of whack. She had been deprived of oxygen when a nurse accidentally broke my bag of water before she was engaged in the birth canal -and the cord wrapped around her neck twice. I have watched her anxiously for the past 2 years - waiting for some sign of residual impairment from that injury. Thankfully, there are none so far - except that her right pupil dilates significantly more than the left (and that may just be a coincidence). I know how lucky I am. But I also know that YOU know how lucky you are. That's what's so great about being a mom. Sorry I got off on my own tangent here - I will continue to read. I hope you will visit my page sometime as well. ...osm

What Goes Around, Comes Around...

2004-09-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

Wow. What a difference a couple of months can make.

A few weeks (or maybe months) ago, I wrote about finding out that a former lover had a new woman in his life and was happy and everything was going so well - and that he hadn't bothered to tell me this himself, but had mentioned it to another mutual friend - so that I got it second-hand. I was hurt - and maybe even a little jealous. I don't want to give the impression that I am not happy for him. I am. It's just a little scary that another man in my life has moved on found happiness - without me. Forces me to look at myself (again) and say "What are you doing wrong?" - or at the very least "What are you not doing right?" It sorta messes with my sense of self and my self-esteem a bit. But that's not the focus of this post.

Two days ago, I happened to get up and get on the computer to start my work day around 7am (early for me). When I sat down, I noticed that "he" was online (and I know he works nights) - so I IM'd him to say "Up late? or up early?". We were using MSN messenger - and of course it has display pics, right? Mine is usually one of my kids. His is usually one of the canned pics that MSN provides - or a snapshot of his faithful dog, Scooch.

Not today. Today it was a picture of an auburn-haired woman with dark eyes with her index finger in her mouth - probably snapped by a webcam used for online chat. Nothing sleazy, mind you - but flirty. I thought to myself "this must be a pic of the girlfriend", then I minimized the window and went about my business readying myself for work. Later, I remembered the IM and went to see if he had gone idle (perhaps sleeping?) because I hadn't received a reply. The picture was changed back to the dog (??) and he had logged off. Hmmmmm. So did that mean that he just didn't want to talk to me? Was he avoiding the conversation because he knew that I had seen the girlfriend's pic (and he's never told me himself that he is involved with anyone - and he knows he should have told me - that's what friends do), or - was it just possible that he was not the one who had signed on to his messenger screen name to go online? Good question, I thought.

About 3 hrs later, he logged back on - so never being able to resist poking a bee's nest to see what comes out - I IM'd again - and said "did I scare you off this morning?? you never answered me". He replies with "?" and "you mean today?" I say "yup - waaaahhhh" - he says "I wasn't online this morning". OOPS. Oh-kay. Then he asks "Are you sure it was me?" - I say "Well it was YOUR messenger - pic of a woman - I figured the g/f". He comes back with "red hair?", I say "yup". ok - you get the picture now, right? We go back and forth with him asking me at LEAST 3 more times if I am SURE it was HIS screen name (sheesh) - and me saying - YES!!! And then we move on to chat about how he might have left it up by mistake, but also how he doesn't even have a pic of her in his IM picture queue - and maybe she was snooping, blahblahblah. - Nothing to start trouble - he's not upset - he just says he'll be sure to leave something incriminating lying around for her to find so he can REALLY mess with her. Now THAT'S the man I knew and loved! ha ha.

As we are chatting, he puts up a pic of a boy - probably 9 or 10 yrs old. So I ask him - "is that the boy?" He says "yep - that's my fave pic of him - a smile every mother could love and hair all fucked to hell". I say "typical school pic"; he says "I asked him- what? you didn't have a FREAKIN' COMB?" and we both laugh and talk about how the mom has him full-time and how (at this point, I suppose I should give him a name, so let's just call him Paul) Paul is having to learn to deal with living with the kid - and how he really cares about him - but that the kid's always in trouble. And we discuss the perils of instant parenting. (Remember, during the time we were involved, I also had children - actually teenagers - living at home; it was interesting, to say the least). Paul is an only child. His parents divorced during his early teens, and are now both deceased - and other than step-siblings that came during his later teen years, he has never had to live with or deal with children. He was married/involved with the same woman for 20 yrs, but they never had children of their own - so he's basically just a great big self-absorbed, imthecenteroftheuniverse kinda guy.

I'm not saying that like it's a bad thing - he's a wonderful person in a lot of ways - but thinking that the whole world isn't about HIM in some way just never occurs to him. (love ya, Paul)

So in the course of this conversation, I ask him how long he's been with this woman (we were talking about discipline and dynamics of relating to kids) - he says he's been living with her now for 4-5 months. I say "but......." and then he types "but I've known him/her for over 1 yr now". I was stunned. Really. We have talked consistently ever since he left TX to move back to FL 4 yrs ago and while I've known that he has had other, um, "relationships" (and he certainly knows I have), he's never EVER told me he was dating anyone - let alone involved in a long-term situation. So I just laid it out - I told him I wished he had told me himself so that I hadn't had to find it out second-hand because it was obvious that he really cares about this woman - and I would have been happy for him and wouldn't have gone all to pieces or anything. His reply was basically "and the best part (you're gonna love this he says) - we met online". (insert spit-take here)

Let me explain. (I still break into fits of laughter even now - typing it all again). When I met Paul, I had been involved in a long-term internet relationship - one where I had actually met the person - and we were wonderful - best friends - it was great. But he wasn't leaving where he was, and I couldn't go there - and so it ended, but we were still best friends - what I would consider soulmates if there is such a thing. And Paul knew about this. To say that he gave me a hard time about "falling in love" over the internet is an UNDERSTATEMENT. The same hard time he gives me about several things - including REALITY TV (remember this - there will be a quiz later).

How many times did he tell me he just couldn't for the LIFE of him figure out how someone (with any brains - and he knew I had brains) could be sucked into the world of cyber-romance - period. LMAOROFLMFFAO. So of course at this point he has to type to me "you may now collapse in a fit of laughter" and I'm ALREADY pounding out "OMG you just nearly made me swallow a whole mouth full of sunflower seeds" and "can't.... type.... can't.... reach.... keyboard.... from.... floor". Schmuck - be careful what you say about other people.... lmao - I better be careful, I'll wake the baby. Oh yeah, he also told me that now I knew I should get over it - and really quickly. I told him I had blogged about it for the whole world to see when I had found out about it 2 months ago so not to worry - I WAS over it. He either didn't catch the "blog" comment - or didn't believe me.

So of course, my next text to him goes something like this "well, now all you have to do is knock her up and we'll be even". To which he replies "fuck you, you evil bitch" or something like that. I know he meant it in the NICEST possible way. Then he had to go. I actually SAVED the transcript of this conversation - why, I have no clue. It just seemed the thing to do. (Maybe so I could look back, re-read, and laugh again later?).

Fast forward into that evening. It's now about 8pm my time. I'm back at the computer doing God knows what this time - probably checking up on BB5. Paul signs on again. Immediately he IMs with "I hope you're happy". I'm like"?" "wtf?". lmao - All I can think is - uh oh well I've caused a fight by telling him he was logged on and he's asked her blahblahblah. He says "girlfriend just informed me she thinks she's preggers". O M G..... ROFLMAO... (again). I can't even function now. I say "STFU - you are kidding me". Of course she hasn't been to the doc yet, but she did the home test and it was positive. And we have to have the cursory conversation about "how could this have happened?", and he calls me an evil bitch - again - and I laugh some more and tell him to shut up because he knows that inside he's THRILLED - he never thought he would be able to do it - etc... and he's waited so long, he's just taken the attitude of Aesop's Fox when unable to reach the grapes. But let me tell you - that man RODE MY ASS while I was pregnant this last time - laughing at me - saying how it was better me than him - etc... etc... etc.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... He says "I can't do this - I'm 42 FUCKING YEARS OLD". I reply "and how old do you think I am, Paul?" (he knows good and well I'm 6 months older than he is)and "besides YOU don't have to DO ANYTHING except GROW UP". more laughter from me - more swearing from him.

Then I went on to jinx him further saying how the baby would DEFINITELY be a girl, named Brittany (that's an inside joke). In case you're wondering, the proper incantation for that goes something like this: "boogety boogety boogety.... BOO!" and then you have to shake a chicken leg in a paper bag.

I know he IS thrilled deep inside - and I PRAY for him that he will learn to step outside the "paul box" and start putting someone else ahead of himself. And he DOES deserve a girl - no way should he be allowed to raise another boy just like himself, lol. He'll be a big pile of mush - which is fitting. And when I say big, I mean BIG - the boy is about 6'6" and (last time I saw him) weighed about 325 - I could stand behind him and not be seen. He looks like Mr. Clean on steroids (head shaved bald and all). Very sexy, I think.

Oh - one more short conversation the next morning - he logged on and I hit him with "Oh btw I've thought of the last piece that needs to fall in place to make my revenge complete". He can't wait to hear this one. I say "I'm waiting for the day I walk through the livingroom and the tv is on TLC's program "A Perfect Proposal".

He's no longer speaking to me.

I hope Brittany wants to be a cheerleader when she grows up! ...osm

Starstruck...

2004-08-28T13:22:00.000-07:00

I met Ben Stein yesterday.

He was in town speaking to the incoming freshman class at the local university, then he took time to do a book signing at Hasting's here in town, and then on to the neighboring big city to do a fundraiser of some kind of other.

Now, I live in a SMALL town in Texas. Yes, we do have a University (part of the Texas A&M University system) as well as a pretty well known Museum (if you travel in museum circles), and a nearby canyon (2nd biggest in the U.S.) that boasts the longest running outdoor musical anywhere in the world, I guess. But we are still a small town - pretty much just a small spot on any road map - not something you'd detour to drive through. The most famous local person we have is probably Terry Funk. If you don't follow pro wrestling, you might have seen him in movies such as Roadhouse with Patrick Swayze and Beyond the Mat by/with Sylvester Stallone. But I digress.

I happened to find out about Mr Stein's presence in town quite by accident (I evidently spend WAY TOO much time sitting in here in my ofc on the internet and not in listening to local radio or tv news - the only tv I ever watch anymore would be BB5 and Joan of Arcadia - if it's not daytime during week and my youngest is watching PBS or Disney). I was surfing the 'net for some information a friend asked me to check out about Clay Aiken's upcoming performance here being cancelled, and I came across the entertainment news that Ben Stein was here - TODAY - and I hadn't any time to spare!!

I'm definitely NOT prone to bouts of hero worship or celebrity stalking - I generally tend to drift the other way - and have only made exceptions so far for 3 people: Elton John, Cher, and now Ben Stein. (My sister and I paid an excessive amt of money to see Elton John in concert a few years ago - I consider it well-spent - and a friend and I tried for DAYS till we finally won tickets to see Cher - oh c'mon - it was CHER for pete's sake and I grew up in the sixties/seventies!!!) Hell my dad grew up with Jimmy Dean (the sausage guy) and I don't even make the trip home when he's at my folks' visiting unless my mother insists!!!

Anyway - I really was interested in going to the book signing and getting his autograph. I love the fact that there is someone out there who doesn't sink to political mudslinging tactics and can still point out the bias and outright dishonesty of the liberal, leftwing, bleeding heart, finger-pointing, name-calling, yellow dog democrats and hollywood hate mongers. Whew, that felt good to say!! He just sits there and calls a spade a spade and un-skews the numbers and the polls and puts them back in their proper perspective. I like that. So I called my mom and my oldest friend and said "Hey! Ben Stein's in town today - wanna go to Hasting's at 2:30 to meet him?" Never mind the fact that I had to tell my mother who he was - what got her hooked was that he was a speech writer for Nixon. Of course, after we got there she said "Oh! NOW I know who he is!"

The real point I had in writing about him is this: Ben Stein is a gracious person. When we arrived at the book signing (nearly an hour after it started because I was running late as usual), there was still a small line - which I was actually GLAD to see because there really weren't many cars in the parking lot outside). Word inside the store was that when the signing started (and it may have actually started earlier than scheduled), the line wound its way around and in/out of the shelves and aisles of the entire store. Mr. Stein's "people" had originally said "Ok, you can have him for 30 minutes, tops" (he had yet another speaking engagement scheduled later that afternoon), but Ben said "No, I'll stay here as long as I need to - no problem!" I learned this in talking to one of the Hasting's media/publicity people who had been with him all day. How nice. In all, he was there nearly 2 whole hours from the scheduled start of the event at 2:30, longer if you consider one of his staffers told me they got there around 1pm - wow.

He had a firm, genuine handshake for everyone who came through the line, and asked most people about themselves - not just how to spell the name for the autograph, but what they did for a living, about their families, etc.... He even stood up and hugged more than one person, was nice enough to pose for pictures, and my mother said she heard him tell one young girl (who, by the way came in as Mr. Stein was on his way out the door - he took time to stop and talk to her and put his arm around her and hug her) that he would pray for her and her family. Of course, when it was MY turn, all I could think to say was "We really appreciate your being here" - how lame is that?? I had a friend from Orlando who wanted me to ask him when he planned on challenging "that pussy Alex Trebek" (his words, not mine), and to tell him he had $100 on him (Ben). But I couldn't even go there. He asked about my daughter (the two-year-old was with me, but had fallen asleep and was in the arms of my friend, Michelle - who I introduced as the designated baby holder.) I am such a putz.

So, thank you, Ben Stein - for treating us with respect and for looking us in the eye and meeting each one of us more the way you might at an intimate cocktail party - as people you were interested in - rather than as curious onlookers, or fans looking for a small brush with celebrity.

By the way, I have been reading his book - which I truly WAS interested in doing before I knew he was in town - this way I just managed to actually go out and BUY it AND get it autographed! It is pretty good - I'm just getting into it, but I am really looking forward to every page and to finding out what it might be that he and his co-author believe average American Patriots can do to restore our country to greatness - and I believe that he will say we must begin AT HOME to stop bashing our country and our government and stand united against the rest of the world. ...osm

That's Randy S. Brison, currently from TX - not to be confused with....

2004-08-24T19:56:00.000-07:00

Just a note. It has occurred to me that there are other men in the U.S. (not to mention the world) named Randy Brison. In fact, there is one from TN who seems to be a very fine, upstanding Christian family kinda guy. This is NOT the sperm donor about whom I frequently will rant. ...osm

DWPF, Computer Literate but Somewhat Confused iso Blogging Expert for Friendship, Possible LTR

2004-08-23T21:40:00.000-07:00

Can ANYONE out there tell me how to add to my sidebar in this format?? I would like to provide links to some other blogs I like to read, but I cannot figure out how. I tried reading the blogger help, but since I don't understand what I'm doing in the first place, I didn't really understand WHERE to add the html text provided in the help section on sidebars.

What I'm wondering is this: do I need to change the template of my entire blog to another one?? Are there some out here that support sidebars and some that do not?? Or can anyone talk/walk me through adding a sidebar to my existing template??

I'm willing to barter/trade for help - providing I have what someone's interested in (and that it's legal and moral - if not in good taste, lol).

THANKS!!! ...osm

Pushing the Fledglings Out of The Nest

2004-08-23T10:46:00.000-07:00

Reading Jen's post about her son leaving to go back to college and the mixed feelings she had about that, reminded me that I have a TON of things to say about this subject myself.

I might need to back up here and clarify a couple of things: I have 3 children - two by my former husband who are now 20 and 18 years old, and a two-year-old who is mine alone!

My middle child, my son, came home last summer (August '03) and said: "Mom, I've been thinking about it for a while now, and I'd really like to try living at my dad's house this year."

Wow. After 17+ yrs of raising him ALONE (his dad and I separated when he was only 8 months old), he wants to go live with his father and the woman I call my step-wife (ugh) and their brood. A father who hasn't paid child support without being forced to over the past 8+ yrs - not to mention hasn't carried insurance as ordered, helped pay a SINGLE medical bill, and has NEVER EVER taken time out of his work or "other family" schedule to visit either my son or his sister in the hospital.

Hmmmm.... what was my answer? (Screaming inside "hell no, over my dead body, not without a gun to my head) - I said "well, if that's really want you want to do, let's talk about it". (What? am I NUTS??? You KNOW the only reason he wants to go is that they've worked on him about it all summer long - and you KNOW the only reason THEY want him there is to avoid paying the child support he owes you.) I asked my son how he expected to finish school (I had pulled him out of public school and he was attending a private, albeit NOT exclusive, school that would offer a diploma - not state recognized - but that would get him into the local jr college and from there he could transfer to a state university). He told me he had checked with the director of the school and they had agreed to let him do his work via correspondence. Ok - reason #1 to get out gracefully - gone.

I knew what my son's other motivation was - he wanted to DRIVE. I did not allow either of my two older children to obtain a driver's license at age 16 - a fact that would have driven me to commit MURDER had my parents denied the same privilege to ME at age 16. But frankly, I did not have the money it would take to add teenaged drivers to my insurance at the time my oldest turned 16, and of course she backed into someone promptly AFTER getting her license at 17 - so my rates went up even more than normal. There was NO WAY I was going to be able to afford a 2nd teenaged driver - a boy - only a year and a half later. Besides, I really did not think either of them were mature enough at 16 to handle driving. (Boy am I getting old, or what?)

And the truth is, I've always harbored the (sick) fantasy that some day my children's father would realize just how much he'd missed out on by not seeing them more than twice a year and how remiss he was to have let birthdays go by without phone calls - and of COURSE SURELY he would realize that the children we made together were so much more intelligent/good looking/worth - pick any of those phrases or substitute your own - than the ones made with the bride of frankenstein - that he'd really sincerely make an effort some day to "reconnect" with these two wonderful kids. YUCK - talk about major subject for therapy, eh? Well folks - you're reading MY therapy, lol - how sick does that make you?? (just kidding - I'm glad someone is reading)

One thing I really need to clear up at this point: My ex-husband's current wife had NOTHING to do with our break-up, so I harbor absolutely NO ill feelings towards her where our relationship is concerned. I DO, however, have VERY hard feelings towards her for the way she has treated my kids since about the time she and Rocky (that's his name) had their first child together and she no longer HAD to be nice to mine - she HAD him by the balls NOW!

OMG - I just typed a whole other story with this blog about my oldest daughter and her living with me while going to school, etc.... I went to do some formatting, and *POOF* the whole thing DISAPPEARED!! AAARRRRGGGHHHH - fortunately I had this first part saved as a draft - so that's all you're getting now. I'll tell you about her at a later date/time when I feel like trying to remember everything I said - not that anyone will really miss it if it never gets out here, lol.... osm

So Many Blogs, So Little Time...

2004-08-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

Wow - time really flies whether you're having fun or not. It's been quite a while (over a week, in fact) since I actually made it here to put some words down on, er - what exactly is this?? It's not paper - and it's not even necessarily in black and white - so I don't know quite what to call it. Cyber-perpetuity? (is perpetuity spelled correctly? I suppose I'll have to check now to see.)

Any-hoo, back to my dilemma. For a week or so now, every time I MADE myself find the time to come out here put down something for someone somewhere to read, I got sidetracked. I supposed I could blame it (initially) on Jen and Paula - or maybe on blogger itself - for listing soooo many other more interesting blogs to look at!

I have read so far about everything from the x-rated antics of an oversexed exec and his barely-legal office assistant to logs about a professional massage "therapist" who offers to see her clients through to "completion" to a typical Chinese college student's life and experiences with her boyfriend and an assorted cast (this was quite interesting as it was written in English - perhaps because the UK still holds Hong Kong, or used to, whichever). I also have read some very interesting commentaries by several conservative political pundits - which I found particularly interesting and which kept me busy for a couple of hours as I clicked on link after link after link, getting myself deeper and deeper into the chain of blogs. I read one blog by a young girl whose birthday is the same day as my oldest daughter - maybe a couple of years earlier - so I read it simply for that reason. She talked about college life and piercings and tattoos and which of her friends were sleeping with the others also. Let's see... oh YES - there is the continuing saga of the California bar bouncer and company - quite amusing.

Most of these well put-together cyber journals makes me wonder why I even bother attempting to entertain myself - let alone anyone else - with my own rants and raves. But then again, I only started this thing for the sole purpose of bashing a certain scum sucking sewer rat and exorcising a few of my own demons.

Maybe I should just have another piece of cake and a glass of milk and call it a night - right now I'm much more in the mood to read about Kashmir's travels in the Peruvian rain forest than to pour out my guts or worry about correct use of grammar and punctuation.

I do have a few ideas for future posts, so I'm making a list here - in case I forget:

1) reconnecting with old high school friends/classmates

2) why I'm ready for my 20 y/o daughter to get out from under my house and out on her own

3) why so many men are homophobic and yet - they all seem to have a fascination with trying to convince a woman to try anal sex (ok - just threw this one in to see if you were still awake)

4) my ex-husband, the moron and his slutty sidekick I call my stepwife

5) funny resume blunders I've actually read first-hand (this one should be put into book form, published, and make me a rich woman)

6) people who drive down the e-way in the left hand lane - but not going faster than the right hand lane - as if they consider themselves the official pacecar of the canyon e-way

7) why I'm a selfish horrible person and I know it, but can't seem to help myself

8) are there ANY good men left out there who can appreciate me - oh hell - are there any good men out there, period????

later.... osm

How Many Licks Does it Take....??

2004-08-09T12:51:00.000-07:00

Ok - here I sit bawling - I'm supposed to be working, and I have been - with the radio playing country music in the background. There was a PLAIN and simple reason why I gave up Country Music after I separated and then divorced - it just freakin' depresses the HELL out of me!! But my oldest daughter likes it, and some of the stuff today is really good, so lately I've found myself listening to it more and more - BIG MISTAKE.

And now, as I sit here sorting through resumes and making my daily calls to hiring managers and candidates, in my subconscious I hear the words to a song by Gary Allan come pouring out over the air waves. It's a song about a daddy's love for his little girl - I believe it's entitled "Tough Little Boys". It's all about how this grown man is turned all to mush watching his little girl grow and change - and all the inevitable emotional tugs there will be - watching her take her first steps, go off to school, get married, etc....

Which brings me to the cause of my tears. My own little angel lies sleeping in her bed - my GOD she is beautiful - with her golden blonde hair, but dark, dark THICK eyelashes against her porcelain skin. She's just as beautiful when she's awake, because she has eyes of the BLUEST, truest BLUE you've ever seen - not sky blue, and not dark - just brilliant BLUE. Anyway - this song makes me so painfully aware that my baby's father goes about his daily routine without even sparing a thought for her existence, let along her well-being - and certainly she will never hear him say how he watched in with the most thrilling trepidation as she took her first steps, or how he cried like a baby and followed her school bus all the way into town on her first day of school, or how he knows some day he'll have to give her away - he's already done that. He did it the night we made her. He did it the minute he told me he loved me and wanted to live with me forever - with the first lie that came from his lips. It makes me want to pick up the phone and call Mr. Randy Brison (see, I made it almost a whole month before I actually used his name - hence the tootsie pop reference) and tell him what a pathetic person he is - and how I ALMOST feel sorry for him.

She is awake now; I can hear her over the baby monitor - lying in her bed, singing a song that only a two-year-old can compose. She is precious. She holds the world in her tiny little hands - it is hers to hold fast or to throw away. Anything is possible for her - except her father's love. I hate him for that. Fuck him. What a loser - who could do this to their own child?? I don't mind that he changed his mind about wanting me - I'm a big girl, I'll get over it. How will she?

She already has used the word "dad" to mean ANY person of the male persuasion, not knowing that it is supposed to be reserved for the male person who, if he didn't donate the dna to create you at least cares more about you than any other in the world and would die so that you might live. Don't get me wrong - I know there are LOTS of dads who suck - my ex-husband has let my older kids down so many times it is unreal, but at least they KNEW who he was. At least he managed to have a few bright and shining moments - and has wanted to know about them and hug them and tell them he loved them. It's a different kind of pain when they at least KNOW what "dad" is supposed to mean than it is when trying to explain to a child that "dad" isn't just a random word. It is supposed to have purpose and meaning - and a face to see yourself in, and arms to pick you up and hold you, and lips to kiss away your fears/tears/boo-boos.

AAARRRRGGGGHHHH - these are the days when I wonder how stupid I really am. How could I have thought it would be fair to her to bring her into this world and to keep her myself??? And yet - anything else would just not have been an option for me. Which is the bottom line - she is for me. I wanted her. I needed her. Far more than she will ever need me - I hope that doesn't become a weight around her neck. I will have to work very hard to let her be her and to live her life without worrying who's going to be there for Mom.

Like I said - I'm a big girl, I can take it. I just wish my little girl had a daddy - HER daddy - and in a moment of true weakness - I wish he had her, too because he's the one who's really missing out.... osm

A Little Controversy...

2004-08-07T15:45:00.000-07:00

I just read a post on another blog - http://ridor.blogspot.com/ . The post was entitled "I Have No Right To Tell Them How To Live Their Lives!" I actually wrote this post as a comment, but it turned out so long, I couldn't post it there (they have a 1000 word limit). So, I just said I enjoyed the comments and left my URL. So, without further comment - here is what I wrote:

I am a single (divorced 15+ yrs ago) woman, age 42, white, Christian, (mainly) Republican - and at age 39 I found myself pregnant. I have two older children from my marriage - at that time they were aged 17 and 15 - and the father of my unborn child was married. What did he want?? Of course he wanted me to have an abortion and at first I agreed. I even went so far as to make the appointment and necessary arrangements for the procedure.... After all, I loved him, I didn't want to hurt him and I was really concerned about hurting my own family and letting down my kids after years of trying to set a good example. Basically, I didn't want any of them to know what I had done, either.

Two days before the scheduled time, I had to tell him I could not go through with it - I knew that if I did I would die - if not physically, then certainly emotionally/spiritually (I already felt bad enough about having an affair with a married man). Trust me - it was not an easy decision either way - it's no easier to tell your parents/children you are pregnant when you are nearly 40 than it is when you are 16.

Did I make the right decision? I did - for me. Would I do the same thing again - I'm not sure, I haven't been there; I hope I never am. Do I support another woman's right to decide?? ABSOLUTELY! Therefore I categorically oppose any governmental edict affecting or limiting the right of a woman to have control over what her body is required to do or not do. But if asked my personal opinion of abortion, I have to say I do believe it is murder.

One problem as I see it is this: the decision to have your FIRST abortion may be a difficult one, but it tends to get a little easier after that. You'd be surprised how many people (women) "counseled" me to have an abortion by confiding in me that they too had aborted children - that's right - CHILDREN - not one abortion, but 2 or more. I was amazed. I felt I was being pressured to "join the club" - and we all know misery loves company.

I personally DO know a woman who uses abortion as a method of birth control (she has had approximately 14 of them - NO I am NOT exaggerating - she had 2 in less than 12 months between 2002/2003). She is also raising 3 children from 2 previous marriages. Why does she not simply use the pill?? I have NO CLUE - she drinks a lot (enough to impair her judgment on a regular basis) - and I suppose that having her tubes tied would cost too much up front with no insurance, so it's easier to scrounge up $400 at a time every 6-18 months than it is to pay whatever the cost of sterilization is since she would have to pay that off BEFORE she has the procedure. Yes, I AM in favor of government-funded sterilization for women who cannot afford it and who REQUEST it. In spite of my total inability to comprehend her actions or her motivations, I still support her right to make the decision to terminate any future pregnancies.

I wish I could say that my baby's father respected my decision. He did not - he really wanted to avoid taking any kind of responsibility for his own actions and went to great lengths to avoid doing so. He even went so far as to pack up his wife and his mother-in-law and move 400 miles away to avoid their finding out (I certainly was not threatening to tell), but I did, in the end, take him to court for child support - so I can see why men would want some say in the outcome of an unplanned pregnancy. The bottom line is - you (men) should be prepared to abide by and support a woman's reproductive choice the minute your dick gets hard and you decide to have sex. If you're not, then DON'T DO IT, because you are giving away sovereignty over your own future.

Once a baby is made, it cannot be unmade - and an abortion does not change that fact one bit. It just makes it easier to hide the truth... in my opinion.

Footnote: I am 1000% percent grateful and happy to have my little angel! I would not trade her for anything in this world and I intend to let her know that EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I do feel bad that I could not provide her with a mommy AND a daddy who love her - and I know she will have some really difficult self-esteem issues to deal with where that is concerned (unless I find a "daddy" before she's much older - and that's about as likely as pigs flying), but I chose to have her and I owe her the very best that I can give her - anything less is not an option. ...osm

Nothing In Particular

2004-08-07T14:04:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what I'm going to write about today. I just know that I haven't been here in a whole week and I probably should write something.

I suppose I don't have anything to say because I've had the blahs and I really feel like there is nothing in my life worthy of comment right now. I have a friend who is going in to have gastric-bypass surgery in a couple of weeks. I personally don't think I would ever choose that as an option, but I am happy for her - and a little jealous because I know that a month from now she will probably be about 50lbs lighter. Wouldn't that be nice? I wish her the best - and besides - in my own warped sense of judgment, I don't feel "bested" by her, after all, she did it with surgery - and not by good old-fashioned hard work, right? Yeah, well - that's what I'll tell myself when I'm feeling really sorry for me and she's wearing a size 6. haha

People who have not ever been really fat but who have always tried to be fit and eat healthy have no clue what it is like to know that the ONLY way for you to lose weight and keep it off is to eat NOTHING. Some of us simply have bodies that turn everything we eat into fat. What's funny to me is that when I was younger (high school age), I THOUGHT I was fat. HA HA!! When I graduated from high school, I was 5' 9" and weighed about 155# - including some nice boobs and an ass J-Lo would be jealous of. Man, those were the days!!! The problem is, in my mind I still see myself that way, so looking in a mirror is always a big schock! I just wish my mind could retain that image when I'm downing that last bite of a 15# chicken fried steak with pan fried potatoes and onions - all smothered in good thick country gravy!!! mmmm-mmmm!!

My good friend Sharla describes our condition in a great word: FATOREXIA. No matter how fat we are, we see ourselves as thinner; therefore, we continue to eat ourselves into oblivion.

I should mention at this point that I probably will have to start calling Sharla my FORMER friend. She became obsessed with the no-carb craze about 7 months ago and to date she has lost about 70# - maybe more. She probably can't be my friend anymore - she's just another skinny little bitch to me now. But in spite of the fact that I can't stand her, I am happy for her. Of course she still suffers from FATOREXIA, and due to this, she cannot EVER allow herself to eat like a regular person - she is doomed to canned chicken, tuna, broiled steaks, bacon, eggs, green beans, and whatever other stuff is included in that confounded diet. DAMN, now I've gone and made myself hungry.

Don't get me wrong - I LOVE all those foods - I DO - but I love everything else that goes with them, too - and how can you eat without frying?? Tell me that?? I'm a good southern girl - how on earth can you eat bacon and eggs without biscuits and gravy - or grits?? And how can you have a ribeye steak, broiled (rare) to perfection - hot and crunchy fat on the outside - red and juicy on the inside - without a freakin' baked potato smothered in butter, sour cream, chives, and bacon bits?? huh?? tell me - would ya???? And what becomes of fried okra?? SWEET tea?? creamed corn (or corn of any kind, for that matter - which brings me to another subject: have you ever picked an ear of corn and eaten it right off the stalk - raw and warm from standing in the sun all day? Oh... MY.... GAWD - there is NOTHING like it!!!).

See my problem now?? I LOVE FOOD!! Doesn't matter what kind - Chinese, Japanese (even sushi -YUM), Italian, MEXICAN (omg - i AM from TX, ya know!), Greek, Cajun, French (yeah, I'll eat escargot), Indian, Thai - I could go on and on and on.

Oh, and here's a nice segway to reality tv. Anyone see week-before-last's episode of the Amazing Race? the one where they had to eat 2 lbs of caviar with a spoon?? ROFLMAO - That poor guy with the skinny girlfriend who got all dizzy and nauseous after about 5 bites?? He should have taken along a nice fat girl like me - that stuff would have disappeared "tout de suite" - and we'd have been in first place, no doubt!!

I know I've already admitted to you that I'm addicted to reality tv - primarily confined to these favorites: Survivor, Big Brother, The Amazing Race, and The Surreal Life (although I do not watch this religiously). I have also been known to tune in for The (notwayinhellisit) Real World and Road Rules - but really only because I have teenaged children and I want to see the world from their point of view, too. I cannot stand the matchmaking-for-money shows like the Bachelor/Bachelorette, Who Wants to Marry My Dad/Mom, et al. All I can think is - this guy just spent last night or last weekend with another of those girls and now he's boinking the next one?? EWWWW.... talk about your sloppy seconds - NO THANK YOU! Besides - I like the games that involve some kind of mental dexterity, logic, and maybe even a little chicanery.

Well ok - looks like somehow I managed to blab on and on again about nothing and still fill up a page or so (or is that a full screen - I don't know the correct terminology online, since there is no set page-size). I need to go check out Jen and Paula's "One of Us" blog - I don't know yet how to link y'all to it, but as soon as I figure it out, I'll add it and a few others I find interesting or funny. In the meantime, I think i'll go stick a bag of popcorn in the microwave and melt some extra butter to go on it!! ...osm

WOW! My First Comment... Somebody IS Reading This!!

2004-08-01T23:27:00.000-07:00

Hey! I received my first comment tonight on my blog. That was a funny feeling, I must say (thank you, Ed Grimly).

I went to reply to that post - and sort of ended up writing a mini-post of my own on the other person's blog - so I thought I'd be lazy and just copy/paste it here and use it my own self:

O M G!! There can't be more of me/you out here!! :)Thanks for the comment earlier - I wouldn't go so far as to say that I am an amazing person - more like I'm an AMAZED person - amazed to be where I am sometimes, lol....

I am a child of the early sixties (LOVED Petticoat Junction and grew up make-believing my friend Lori Jane McClure and I were Samantha and Tabitha because BEWITCHED ROCKS - and we lived with the MONKEES!!) - and I AM a blonde with killer measurements - if I FALL ON YOU!!! ha ha ha....

I consider myself a dysfunctional bulemic - I can binge, but I can't purge. Here's a word for your personal dictionary: fatorexic. I KNOW I'm fat cuz the scales say so - but in my mind, I'm just a skinny little bitch!!

Doesn't being single suck at our age?? Of all the people I know, I'm the least socially active; even though I had a baby in 2002, I haven't had a date (not to mention s-e-x) in something like 3 years. YIPES!!! There has to be a word to make up for that one, but as of yet, I haven't been able to! I've been single now for over 15 years, and with the exception of 2 particular intimate relationships - both within the last 5 years - it's been a long haul by myself.

I really hate it - but I don't want to try dating, either. Too scary, too dangerous, and inevitibly ends in disaster. I have no clue how to fix this. If anyone has a suggestion, please feel free to let me know. I do not want to grow old alone by any means, and the truth is, my youngest daughter deserves a daddy in her life - one worthy of her love and respect - unlike the sperm donor who, for now, will remain anonymous in this blog. Funny, since I originally entertained the idea of a blog for the almost sole purpose of plastering his name all over it - sort of my version of the proverbial "cyber bathroom wall" graffiti that would be most fitting for someone of his low character. But then I thought "what does that say about MY character?" and that pretty much slowed me down.

I only blog when the spirit hits me - but I am going to try to add something at least weekly. I have no idea which direction this will take me, but I am THRILLED to no end to be doing it.

OH - and one more thing - regarding Reality TV: I HAVE THE LIVE FEED, BABY!! If you have any questions about BB5 and what's going on - ASK ME!! I work from home - and I'm nearly always online (as my posting times will bear witness). It's a very indulgent pasttime, I agree - how sad is it to be so "into" what these strange people do living in a house all together?? My sister has a co-worker who always gets the live feed (this is my first time). Anyway, she describes it perfectly - she calls it "watching her ants" (as in an ant farm) - which is actually quite appropriate when you think about it. I keep wondering what will happen if I hold a magnifying glass up to the sun and aim the beam of light at Jase or Scott - would their heads explode or something??? oh well - I can dream.... osm

Thoughts about Life, Old Flames, and ...

2004-07-28T22:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, well I hope to be better about posting to this than I seem to have been following through a great many other things in my life.

I remember the New Year's resolution I made - I think it was 2 yrs ago - to stop just forwarding email and start actually typing personal notes to friends and family. Of course, I was pregnant at the time (or had just had a baby, I forget which), and probably feeling very sentimental.

That one lasted till the hormones wore off.

Anyway, I got an email this week from a friend - who mentioned she had gotten an email from a mutual friend (actually, this mutual friend was an old lover of mine, who I still miss off and on quite a bit). She said she had misplaced his email addy and would it be ok if I gave it to her.

Of course I replied with the requested information and said that I still missed him a lot sometimes - nothing heavy, just a comment in passing. She answered again, thanked me for the address, and remarked that he seemed to be doing well and that his life was falling into place (which usually means they're seeing someone new, doesn't it?), but she talked as though she figured I already knew all this (we do stay in touch); actually, I told her, he hadn't said much to me lately and that I figured it meant he had something (or someone) going on - I didn't want to sound too much as though it was a big shock to me. Why should it be?? He left nearly 4 yrs ago to move back to Florida with the explanation that it was to be with his father, whose prostate cancer had returned with a vengeance. This was true, and in fact his father has sadly since passed away - but I know in my heart that his father's illness was only one of the reasons he felt the need to move on. And hey, it's not like I have been a nun since he left. For God's sake, I had a baby 2 yrs ago - and he was not the father - that was a tough one to come clean with, let me tell ya.

I really loved the shit out of him, though. Not that romantic kind of slobbery kid love, but he and I had an intellectual connection that was WONDERFUL - and when he wanted to, he could be very tender and good at making love. Most of the time, though, he chose to do something else - keeping all emotion out of it - and that sucked. To this day, I'm not sure he knows that I know what he was up to. It's like he thinks I wouldn't notice that we had sex on his terms and in ways designed to minimize his having to look into my face (draw your own inferences). It was not lost on me - and the truth is - I probably should have just said "no thanks" - but hey - I like sex, too - and I don't get a lot of it - and so I took what I could get from him, I guess, all the while hoping that sooner or later something would break loose in him and he WOULD be IN love with me - instead of just respecting me. WHAT A LAUGH - I'd much rather be considered sexy and hot and irresistible than smart and strong and capable!! Go figure.

Anyway, I'm rambling - the point is - he told another friend that he had a girlfriend - with a son - and that he was happy - and why the FRIGG couldn't he have felt that for me? or at the very least, told me about it himself - I would have been happy for him. I AM happy for him. It just makes things seem so final. I guess I've liked living in the world of "what if" in some ways, because I can only deal with so much reality at one time. It hurt - it made me sad.

WAAAAAH... what a crybaby, huh? Oh well.

So, what's new with everyone else?? Who cares? Not really - I do care - but since this is MY blog - my very own space - it's ALL ABOUT ME.

I wonder if my children will ever find this and read it? I wonder if I would want them to? Probably not. It's not easy being human to your kids. Oh sure, I can handle giving them a wrong homework answer - or not knowing who Rob Zombie is - or even having them see me bounce a check. But down deep, it's hard to let them know that I probably understand more about what they're going through right now (the older two) as young adults - peer pressure, drugs, smoking, drinking, and sex. Let me clue you in on something - whether you're 16 or 39 (which is how old I was when I got pregnant the 3rd time) - telling your family that you are SINGLE and pregnant is NOT an easy thing. At least it wasn't for me. After all, I'd spent nearly 17 yrs raising my older two children BY MYSELF (their father and I separated when my son was 8 months old) - and I'd been PRETTY adamant about values and principles - and CONSEQUENCES. And it had worked up to that point. Seriously - I'm SOOO proud of my oldest daughter (now she WILL be totally embarrassed if she reads this). I'm proud of her for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that she has still not had sex - and probably will not until she is married. She has SUCH strong moral character. Of course, the older we get, the more gray things get - instead of black and white - and I don't necessarily say that like it's a good thing. But I'm not sure things will EVER get gray for her. I don't know - I'll keep you posted on that one.

Anyway, try sitting down your almost-18-yr-old dtr and her 15 year-old brother to tell them you are pregnant. OH SHIT!! yup - that's right - that's the nicest word I can put to that feeling - and I don't really want to resort to filling this journal up with a lot of four-letter words just in case my kids DO read it some day. Let's just say it's NO PICNIC. It's more like a massacre.

Now let me make ONE THING PERFECTLY CLEAR (do I sound Nixon-ish?). I never viewed being pregnant as a tragedy, except in the terms of what it might do to my family to find out about it. And my baby girl WOULD NOT be here if I hadn't WANTED HER VERY MUCH!! I had a choice - I considered exercising my right to NOT be pregnant anymore, if that's what I wanted. But in the end - despite any counsel given by parties involved and not involved - I knew what I wanted - what I HAD to do - and that there was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to do anything other than have that baby.

That's just MY own experience; I TOTALLY respect and defend any other woman's right to make her own decision about what to do in that situation. But I knew if I had an abortion, I would die. If not physically, certainly emotionally - and spiritually. I already knew that baby - I had a bond with her - and I couldn't ever look at my other children and love them like I do and know I had prevented them from knowing their little sister. Funny how things like that can happen in less than 12 wks, isn't it? And maybe I knew it would be a great learning experience for them - because this was exactly WHY I had always been so vocal about right and wrong and consequences. But I never considered my pregnancy as a punishment - that would be a horrible thing to do and then keep the baby - if I had felt that way, I WOULD have had an abortion - absolutely - no doubt - end of story!!!!!

I could probably type all night (again) - but I do need to do some work tomorrow, so I supposed I'll quit and take up again another time. Goodnight.... osm

2004-07-23T16:22:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of my trio - it was taken in December, 2003.

My Very First Blog Post - I'm so excited!!

2004-07-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

After months of wondering exactly what the heck a BLOG was, I came across one by a young man from Dallas, TX that explained it - and I was HOOKED!!

Since this is my first attempt at ANY kind of website or other internet posting of my "own" creation, please bear with me.

Just a word to those of you who do not know me (hell, I've known me since I was born and I'm not sure I can claim to), let me give you a little bit of general info - just so you know where I'm coming from.

I am 42, married once (1982) and divorced (1989) and the mother of three: two older "children" (they will kill me for calling them that, since they are now both at least 18 years old) who have kept me sane and driven me crazy for the past 20 years and my youngest, a two-year-old angel who was my fortieth (surprise!) birthday present to myself. (Here's where you go "ok, now - obviously she didn't have a 13-year pregnancy, and she's only been married once, so - where's the 3rd kid's dad? The answer is - he's at home in Mesquite TX, with his wife and his mother-in-law. We'll talk more about that later.)

Of all the things I could or have been in my life, I am happiest to have been (and to still be) their mom. And a lot of the time I really sucked at it - but - I did what I did and always loved them. Some day I know they'll see the big picture. Hopefully they'll treasure the good and not dwell on the bad - and we'll keep on being a family.

Ok - you'll undoubtedly be hearing a lot more about them from here on out - so I'll move on to something else for now. The main reason I wanted to create this internet journal was so that I would have some kind of outlet where I can vent about being a woman - single mom - sister - daughter - friend - and all that goes with it. A place where I could say whatever I want, whenever I want - and if someone comes along and has a comment about it - GREAT - if not - who cares?? This is ALL mine - and I LOVE IT!!!

Maybe it will be my "therapy", since I can't afford any of the professional variety at this time in my life - and maybe someone else will find it and say "Hey - i've been there, too - this lady knows how it feels to be ME!"

What if I get discovered? I've always wanted to be famous for being funny - maybe some kind of cross between Erma Bombeck (God rest her) and Roseanne? Who knows?

At any rate, I don't care what anybody else thinks, really, as long as I can have my own little place to escape to and as long as this thing is still free - if they start charging me for it - I'm SOL!!!

(This is SO FUN - I keep switching to "preview" just to see what this will look like when I hit "publish post".)

I'm going to quit typing now, and go check out the other fun things I can do here - maybe I'll see about posting pics?? I'm not sure - but oh well!! --osm