Thoughts about Life, Old Flames, and ...

Ok, well I hope to be better about posting to this than I seem to have been following through a great many other things in my life.

 

I remember the New Year's resolution I made - I think it was 2 yrs ago - to stop just forwarding email and start actually typing personal notes to friends and family.  Of course, I was pregnant at the time (or had just had a baby, I forget which), and probably feeling very sentimental.

 

That one lasted till the hormones wore off.

 

Anyway, I got an email this week from a friend - who mentioned she had gotten an email from a mutual friend (actually, this mutual friend was an old lover of mine, who I still miss off and on quite a bit).  She said she had misplaced his email addy and would it be ok if I gave it to her.

 

 

Of course I replied with the requested information and said that I still missed him a lot sometimes - nothing heavy, just a comment in passing.  She answered again, thanked me for the address,  and remarked that he seemed to be doing well and that his life was falling into place (which usually means they're seeing someone new, doesn't it?), but she talked as though she figured I already knew all this (we do stay in touch); actually, I told her, he hadn't said much to me lately and that I figured it meant he had something (or someone) going on - I didn't want to sound too much as though it was a big shock to me.  Why should it be??  He left nearly 4 yrs ago to move back to Florida with the explanation that it was to be with his father, whose prostate cancer had returned with a vengeance.  This was true, and in fact his father has sadly since passed away - but I know in my heart that his father's illness was only one of the reasons he felt the need to move on.  And hey, it's not like I have been a nun since he left.  For God's sake, I had a baby 2 yrs ago - and he was not the father - that was a tough one to come clean with, let me tell ya. 

 

I really loved the shit out of him, though.  Not that romantic kind of slobbery kid love, but he and I had an intellectual connection that was WONDERFUL - and when he wanted to, he could be very tender and good at making love.  Most of the time, though, he chose to do something else - keeping all emotion out of it - and that sucked.  To this day, I'm not sure he knows that I know what he was up to.  It's like he thinks I wouldn't notice that we had sex on his terms and in ways designed to minimize his having to look into my face (draw your own inferences).  It was not lost on me - and the truth is - I probably should have just said "no thanks" - but hey - I like sex, too - and I don't get a lot of it - and so I took what I could get from him, I guess, all the while hoping that sooner or later something would break loose in him and he WOULD be IN love with me - instead of just respecting me.  WHAT A LAUGH - I'd much rather be considered sexy and hot and irresistible than smart and strong and capable!!  Go figure.

 

Anyway, I'm rambling - the point is - he told another friend that he had a girlfriend - with a son - and that he was happy - and why the FRIGG couldn't he have felt that for me?  or at the very least, told me about it himself - I would have been happy for him.  I AM happy for him.  It just makes things seem so final.  I guess I've liked living in the world of "what if" in some ways, because I can only deal with so much reality at one time.  It hurt - it made me sad.

 

WAAAAAH... what a crybaby, huh?  Oh well.

 

So, what's new with everyone else??  Who cares?  Not really - I do care - but since this is MY blog - my very own space - it's ALL ABOUT ME.

 

I wonder if my children will ever find this and read it?  I wonder if I would want them to?  Probably not.  It's not easy being human to your kids.  Oh sure, I can handle giving them a wrong homework answer - or not knowing who Rob Zombie is - or even having them see me bounce a check.  But down deep, it's hard to let them know that I probably understand more about what they're going through right now (the older two) as young adults - peer pressure, drugs, smoking, drinking, and sex.  Let me clue you in on something - whether you're 16 or 39 (which is how old I was when I got pregnant the 3rd time) - telling your family that you are SINGLE and pregnant is NOT an easy thing.  At least it wasn't for me.  After all, I'd spent nearly 17 yrs raising my older two children BY MYSELF (their father and I separated when my son was 8 months old) - and I'd been PRETTY adamant about values and principles - and CONSEQUENCES.  And it had worked up to that point.  Seriously - I'm SOOO proud of my oldest daughter (now she WILL be totally embarrassed if she reads this).  I'm proud of her for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that she has still not had sex - and probably will not until she is married.  She has SUCH strong moral character.  Of course, the older we get, the more gray things get - instead of black and white - and I don't necessarily say that like it's a good thing.  But I'm not sure things will EVER get gray for her.  I don't know - I'll keep you posted on that one.

 

Anyway, try sitting down your almost-18-yr-old dtr and her 15 year-old brother to tell them you are pregnant.  OH SHIT!!  yup - that's right - that's the nicest word I can put to that feeling - and I don't really want to resort to filling this journal up with a lot of four-letter words just in case my kids DO read it some day.  Let's just say it's NO PICNIC.  It's more like a massacre.

 

Now let me make ONE THING PERFECTLY CLEAR (do I sound Nixon-ish?).  I never viewed being pregnant as a tragedy, except in the terms of what it might do to my family to find out about it.  And my baby girl WOULD NOT be here if I hadn't WANTED HER VERY MUCH!!  I had a choice - I considered exercising my right to NOT be pregnant anymore, if that's what I wanted.  But in the end - despite any counsel given by parties involved and not involved - I knew what I wanted - what I HAD to do - and that there was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to do anything other than have that baby. 

 

That's just MY own experience; I TOTALLY respect and defend any other woman's right to make her own decision about what to do in that situation.  But I knew if I had an abortion, I would die.  If not physically, certainly emotionally - and spiritually.  I already knew that baby - I had a bond with her - and I couldn't ever look at my other children and love them like I do and know I had prevented them from knowing their little sister.  Funny how things like that can happen in less than 12 wks, isn't it?  And maybe I knew it would be a great learning experience for them - because this was exactly WHY I had always been so vocal about right and wrong and consequences.  But I never considered my pregnancy as a punishment - that would be a horrible thing to do and then keep the baby - if I had felt that way, I WOULD have had an abortion - absolutely - no doubt - end of story!!!!!

 

I could probably type all night (again) - but I do need to do some work tomorrow, so I supposed I'll quit and take up again another time.  Goodnight....  osm