Pushing the Fledglings Out of The Nest
Reading Jen's post about her son leaving to go back to college and the mixed feelings she had about that, reminded me that I have a TON of things to say about this subject myself.
I might need to back up here and clarify a couple of things: I have 3 children - two by my former husband who are now 20 and 18 years old, and a two-year-old who is mine alone!
My middle child, my son, came home last summer (August '03) and said: "Mom, I've been thinking about it for a while now, and I'd really like to try living at my dad's house this year."
Wow. After 17+ yrs of raising him ALONE (his dad and I separated when he was only 8 months old), he wants to go live with his father and the woman I call my step-wife (ugh) and their brood. A father who hasn't paid child support without being forced to over the past 8+ yrs - not to mention hasn't carried insurance as ordered, helped pay a SINGLE medical bill, and has NEVER EVER taken time out of his work or "other family" schedule to visit either my son or his sister in the hospital.
Hmmmm.... what was my answer? (Screaming inside "hell no, over my dead body, not without a gun to my head) - I said "well, if that's really want you want to do, let's talk about it". (What? am I NUTS??? You KNOW the only reason he wants to go is that they've worked on him about it all summer long - and you KNOW the only reason THEY want him there is to avoid paying the child support he owes you.) I asked my son how he expected to finish school (I had pulled him out of public school and he was attending a private, albeit NOT exclusive, school that would offer a diploma - not state recognized - but that would get him into the local jr college and from there he could transfer to a state university). He told me he had checked with the director of the school and they had agreed to let him do his work via correspondence. Ok - reason #1 to get out gracefully - gone.
I knew what my son's other motivation was - he wanted to DRIVE. I did not allow either of my two older children to obtain a driver's license at age 16 - a fact that would have driven me to commit MURDER had my parents denied the same privilege to ME at age 16. But frankly, I did not have the money it would take to add teenaged drivers to my insurance at the time my oldest turned 16, and of course she backed into someone promptly AFTER getting her license at 17 - so my rates went up even more than normal. There was NO WAY I was going to be able to afford a 2nd teenaged driver - a boy - only a year and a half later. Besides, I really did not think either of them were mature enough at 16 to handle driving. (Boy am I getting old, or what?)
And the truth is, I've always harbored the (sick) fantasy that some day my children's father would realize just how much he'd missed out on by not seeing them more than twice a year and how remiss he was to have let birthdays go by without phone calls - and of COURSE SURELY he would realize that the children we made together were so much more intelligent/good looking/worth - pick any of those phrases or substitute your own - than the ones made with the bride of frankenstein - that he'd really sincerely make an effort some day to "reconnect" with these two wonderful kids. YUCK - talk about major subject for therapy, eh? Well folks - you're reading MY therapy, lol - how sick does that make you?? (just kidding - I'm glad someone is reading)
One thing I really need to clear up at this point: My ex-husband's current wife had NOTHING to do with our break-up, so I harbor absolutely NO ill feelings towards her where our relationship is concerned. I DO, however, have VERY hard feelings towards her for the way she has treated my kids since about the time she and Rocky (that's his name) had their first child together and she no longer HAD to be nice to mine - she HAD him by the balls NOW!
OMG - I just typed a whole other story with this blog about my oldest daughter and her living with me while going to school, etc.... I went to do some formatting, and *POOF* the whole thing DISAPPEARED!! AAARRRRGGGHHHH - fortunately I had this first part saved as a draft - so that's all you're getting now. I'll tell you about her at a later date/time when I feel like trying to remember everything I said - not that anyone will really miss it if it never gets out here, lol.... osm
I might need to back up here and clarify a couple of things: I have 3 children - two by my former husband who are now 20 and 18 years old, and a two-year-old who is mine alone!
My middle child, my son, came home last summer (August '03) and said: "Mom, I've been thinking about it for a while now, and I'd really like to try living at my dad's house this year."
Wow. After 17+ yrs of raising him ALONE (his dad and I separated when he was only 8 months old), he wants to go live with his father and the woman I call my step-wife (ugh) and their brood. A father who hasn't paid child support without being forced to over the past 8+ yrs - not to mention hasn't carried insurance as ordered, helped pay a SINGLE medical bill, and has NEVER EVER taken time out of his work or "other family" schedule to visit either my son or his sister in the hospital.
Hmmmm.... what was my answer? (Screaming inside "hell no, over my dead body, not without a gun to my head) - I said "well, if that's really want you want to do, let's talk about it". (What? am I NUTS??? You KNOW the only reason he wants to go is that they've worked on him about it all summer long - and you KNOW the only reason THEY want him there is to avoid paying the child support he owes you.) I asked my son how he expected to finish school (I had pulled him out of public school and he was attending a private, albeit NOT exclusive, school that would offer a diploma - not state recognized - but that would get him into the local jr college and from there he could transfer to a state university). He told me he had checked with the director of the school and they had agreed to let him do his work via correspondence. Ok - reason #1 to get out gracefully - gone.
I knew what my son's other motivation was - he wanted to DRIVE. I did not allow either of my two older children to obtain a driver's license at age 16 - a fact that would have driven me to commit MURDER had my parents denied the same privilege to ME at age 16. But frankly, I did not have the money it would take to add teenaged drivers to my insurance at the time my oldest turned 16, and of course she backed into someone promptly AFTER getting her license at 17 - so my rates went up even more than normal. There was NO WAY I was going to be able to afford a 2nd teenaged driver - a boy - only a year and a half later. Besides, I really did not think either of them were mature enough at 16 to handle driving. (Boy am I getting old, or what?)
And the truth is, I've always harbored the (sick) fantasy that some day my children's father would realize just how much he'd missed out on by not seeing them more than twice a year and how remiss he was to have let birthdays go by without phone calls - and of COURSE SURELY he would realize that the children we made together were so much more intelligent/good looking/worth - pick any of those phrases or substitute your own - than the ones made with the bride of frankenstein - that he'd really sincerely make an effort some day to "reconnect" with these two wonderful kids. YUCK - talk about major subject for therapy, eh? Well folks - you're reading MY therapy, lol - how sick does that make you?? (just kidding - I'm glad someone is reading)
One thing I really need to clear up at this point: My ex-husband's current wife had NOTHING to do with our break-up, so I harbor absolutely NO ill feelings towards her where our relationship is concerned. I DO, however, have VERY hard feelings towards her for the way she has treated my kids since about the time she and Rocky (that's his name) had their first child together and she no longer HAD to be nice to mine - she HAD him by the balls NOW!
OMG - I just typed a whole other story with this blog about my oldest daughter and her living with me while going to school, etc.... I went to do some formatting, and *POOF* the whole thing DISAPPEARED!! AAARRRRGGGHHHH - fortunately I had this first part saved as a draft - so that's all you're getting now. I'll tell you about her at a later date/time when I feel like trying to remember everything I said - not that anyone will really miss it if it never gets out here, lol.... osm
posted by OneSingleMom @ 8/23/2004 10:46:00 AM
4 Comments:
At 7:31 PM,
OneSingleMom said…
Dang Paula! We should have known each other about 2 or 3 yrs ago!! I ebay-ed my son's coronet and practically GAVE IT AWAY, since it was my first time selling, and I really didn't get the concept of the "Buy It Now" feature!! The horn cost me approx. $700 new; I think I let it go for a mere $200. goodgawd!!!
As for the sending your kids off to college thing, I TOTALLY can relate to the "she can't like me" comment. I think that is God's way of preparing us to let them go - create a little animosity mixed with a pinch of contempt, and *voila`* you have a parent all set up to let their darling baby go out into the big, ruthless world on his/her own!!!
I always thought I would just roll over and DIE if one of my kids said they wanted to go live with their dad - it just wasn't an option as far as I was concerned. And I can tell you, it's been a HELL OF A YEAR - and I've nearly gone nuts over the things that have happened while he's been gone thus far!! I never would have agreed, I think (and he never would have asked) if he hadn't been 17 years old. Trust me - those people are not FIT to parent - for any number of reasons - except that they do keep a roof over their heads, food on the table, and they don't beat the kids. Other than that, they are (as far as I'm concerned) complete morons. Sad to say, isn't it?? I wish I didn't feel that way - I truly do!!! ...osm
At 7:42 PM,
OneSingleMom said…
OH! And a positive note to add!! I talked to my son just tonight - he is enrolled in college - taking 9 hrs (Psychology, Math, and Concepts of Fitness) and also holding down a full-time job at a local truck wash (if that doesn't convince him of the benefits of a college education, NOTHING will). So far he's very excited (tonight is his second night, lol) - he said it was "neat!" when I asked him about his first night.
Note to God: PLEASE LORD, instill my son with a drive to study and excel. Inspire him to achieve great heights and to employ the AWESOME brain with which you endowed him. Please keep his mind fertile, and his girlfriend UNfertile - actually - PLEASE keep them to their vow of chastity and deliver them from the temptation of youthful hormones!!! Keep his dad vigilant, and his stepmom sober - at least until he decides to transfer back out here to a four-year university. In Jesus' name, AMEN... osm
At 9:32 PM,
Jen said…
omg...Paula posted a comment. I knew she had it in her!............................(I'm so proud)
At 8:13 PM,
Toron said…
I am now hooked on reading another blogspot. YOURS!!!
I cannot understand why your ex would not even call during your kids' birthdays. My husband has a six year old son in a previous marriage. He pays huge chunk of child support every month and only gets to see his son three times a year. He calls his son every other day but the ex makes it really hard for them to communicate. She even stops their son from calling my husband, to a point when the kid hides when he's calling!!! And she prioritises her boyfriend's family in spending time with the kid!! She reckons spending time with the kids father will turn his world upside down. Can you believe that??!!!
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