Ok, I'm Officially Advertising...

for a husband!

I've been reading a lot lately about couples who met online and married - and who made it work (or ARE making it work).

I'm tired of being alone, so I thought I would officially advertise for a new husband /partner /mate /love slave /better half - whatever you wish to call it is FINE BY ME!

Every personal ad contains an "About Me" section and a "My Perfect Mate" section, so here goes:

About Me:
I'll get back to this later - I can't seem to get started here right now.

My Perfect Mate:
Ok, first of all, I am willing to admit that NO ONE is perfect. But I do believe that it is possible to find someone who is perfect FOR me. I am NOT in the business of "fixing" anyone, so I will just concentrate on finding someone I can take "as is" (and who is willing to do the same). If I happen to inspire this person to "be a better man" (thanks, Jack!), then so be it.

What is important to me? Wit, humor, intelligence, patience, good solid fiscal policies (mine suck - this doesn't mean I want your money - just please know how to manage it with diplomacy and kindness) - oh yeah, kindness in general, that's another good trait. Sex appeal - I want to find you irresistibly sexy and vice versa - I think it starts in the eyes and the smile. Mmmmmm smiles - I love lips, don't you?? And the little crinkles of laugh lines - gorgeous.

Self-confidence is a good one, too - not arrogance or cockiness - the ideal guy might not even know he exudes confidence, that's ok, too. No, I'm NOT trying to sound like a romance novel - I'm trying to be honest here, and HEY - it's MY fantasy, right??

Body type: homo sapiens. Yeah, there are certain physical attributes about various people that either turn me on or off, but I can't say it's the same for everyone. I've been very attracted to some men who were large (hell, I'm LARGE), and I can't say that if I were PICKING my most sexy features that two or three chins would be a plus, but again - it is an individual attraction thing.

While we're talking about chins - let me just say - I'm not afraid of facial or body hair - but don't try to hide them with it, ok? Hairy chest, smooth chest - no difference to me, really. I just saw a teaser for a tv "news" show doing a piece about men who are waxing their chests for their women. PUHLEEZE. I'd rather have the money to pay bills with, ok? You don't ask me to wax my chest/chin/bikini area (sorry, guys) and I won't ask you, ok?? Now if you want me to keep the grass trimmed, ok by me, by I'm NOT RIPPING IT OUT BY THE ROOTS FOR YOU. NO way, huh uh - nope. I've always had sort of a problem with guys who want a woman bare-shaven - I guess it makes me wonder if they are pretending/fantasizing that - oh never mind - I just can't go there. Now I'm not saying that it's entirely out of the question after a nice long soak in a bubble bath and LOTS of alcohol, but, that's another blog, lol.

Let's go back to the intelligence quotient. I don't so much care whether or not you are college-educated (I myself do not have a college degree, but I do have over 90 college hours), but it probably would help if we are both on the same playing field, intellectually speaking. I'm not talking about all symphonies and libraries and ballets, although those things are nice - and I'd LOVE to be with someone who can appreciate those things, but I am also very happy to watch football, basketball, baseball, or professional wrestling. Just PLEASE don't overtly drool and/or comment about how you wonder what it would be like to nail any of the cheerleaders for any professional sports team or any of the women of the WWF, k? Oh - and NEVER, EVER mention Catherine Zeta Jones in a wistful, lusty way, and we'll be fine.

Speaking of which, let me just pause for a moment to give men everywhere a small hint. Don't comment on how hot you think ANY other woman is in front of your wife/girlfriend/sex buddy. We KNOW you think other women are attractive, but (and I'm speaking only for myself here, maybe) it makes me feel really bad when you talk about how hot so-and-so is when I know I am the 100% polar opposite in body type and looks, ok? I may not say anything, chances are I probably won't (neither will I pout or withhold intimacy over it). But it will hurt my feelings, and I wouldn't hurt yours that way. I will have my own private fantasies about Tom Cruise or Sean Connery or Donny Osmond or Peewee Herman, but I won't ever let you think I might even REMOTELY be comparing you to them. BTW - just kidding about the Peewee Herman thing - I was just seeing if you were still reading. No, I wasn't kidding about Donny Osmond; what's your point?! Hey! - stop laughing - you say that like it was a bad thing.

Well geez, I've just been reminded that I should go to bed - I need my beauty rest if I'm gonna be putting myself "out there" on the (cyber) market. I will try to pick up where I left off next time.

Oh, and one more thing - I talked to my son today (briefly). He sounded really good - not sullen or defensive, but more like the little boy I raised. And (it's my fantasy still, remember?) I'm choosing to believe him when he says he is going to class and not doing any drugs and will never, EVER, EVER do something like that again and that it really wasn't the way it was retold to me. His father has talked to a lawyer about the whole situation involving the younger stepbrother,and he (the lawyer) seems to believe that the school is going to keep it between the 3 boys involved at school and no charges will be filed. I'll admit I have mixed feelings about this. I love him. I'm not stupid, but just for now, can't I just go along with it?? Maybe it IS the truth - it's entirely possible. I'll keep my eyes open, but leave the rose colored glasses on just a bit longer, if you don't mind.

Goodnight!! ...osm