We Really Should Talk More Often....

Sorry - Not sure exactly to whom I am addressing the apology - but I know I have been away for longer than I intended.

Every time I come to post, I get side-tracked reading someone else's infinitely MORE entertaining (and better written, and probably more important) blog.

I've had tons of good ideas - usually while I'm lying on my bed at the OTHER end of the trailer. Therefore, none of them have made it to the 'net. I soooooo yearn for the future days of a Jetson-like existence - with computer screens/input keypads/keyboards in every room, so that I can work from any room in the house and I can just roll over and type about whatever hits me - whenver it hits me. Boy, was that a long sentence (or incomplete phrase) or what??? whew!

At any rate, I'm here now - and can't think of a damn thing to post. I guess I'll tell you that I'm due in court in the morning at 9:30 and that I should be doing laundry, planning what to wear, and getting to bed early - but I'm not. I'm doing my usual passive-aggressive number.

Why am I going to court, you ask? Because my deadbeat asshole of an ex-husband owes me something like $80k in back child support (according to court records), and the Attorney General of the State of Texas is going to try and do something about it. Right? Right! Not that I'll ever see a dime - or even one penny of the money. You see, while my ex claims he cannot possibly spare one nickel to pay ME the money he owes ME for raising his kids BY MYSELF for 17+ yrs, he can damn sure hire an attorney who advises him to file bankruptcy after requesting a continuance of the original court date, which was 2 wks ago. Me? No attorney here. Nosireebob - I'm gonna just depend on the fact that the system will work!! (Can you say SUCKER??? I knew you could!!).

Now before you Y-chromosome carriers get all bent about what a money-grubbing piece of trash I am, let me clear a couple of things up. I am not the one who says the guy owes me $80k - in fact, I will readily admit he doesn't owe me that full amount(which is actually a principal amt of $40k plus interest). But of course the dumbass should have had the good sense to pay me through the courts as directed. Back in 1990-91 he wrote me some checks that bounced, and then quit paying me long enough to have an order of garnishment carried out. That worked until 1995 when he quit his well-paying job WITH benefits (he was ordered also to carry health insurance on the kids) to go to work with his brother doing paintless dent repair (you know, the guys that come to town after a really big hail storm and advertise to fix your car for loads less than the original insurance quotes, thus saving you money so you can go out and buy a couple of cases of beer or whatever?) Needless to say, after several months of keeping up the pretense by paying ontime, he started to get less and less reliable, sometimes going 7-8 months (or more) between payments that were NEVER up-to-date. Because of the bounced checks earlier, my bank would ALWAYS hold funds paid to me from his checking account the maximum time allowed by law (to be sure the check cleared) and so, given a choice, I'd ask for cash instead of a check - every time. YOU BET YOUR ASS. So now, of course, his claim is that he HAS paid me (most, if not ALL of what he owes me), and that he does have canceled checks to prove at least part of it (true - except that technically the court can tell him that ANY money given to me directly and not paid through the county clerk's office or ag's ofc is considered GIFT MONEY and not child support, but whatever), but the big claim of his is that I told him I wanted cash only so that I could come back later and hit him up for a HUGE amount of money. I deny every bit of it - and I'm just finally glad to be getting it over with. I've filed on him twice before, only to have him start paying his regular amount (which is what I've wanted all along) and then talk me into dropping the case. I'm done this time - whatever the court says he owes I'll be happy with - be it $80k or $80 - I DO NOT CARE. I just want this over with, done, decided - so that he can't try to make it into a "he said, she said" affair any longer. In addition, I carried the health insurance on our children for about 5 yrs (before it got just too expensive), and have been solely responsible for ALL of their healthcare costs. He never even bothered to visit when they were in the hospital, let alone pay a medical bill.

On a brighter note, he did ask me to meet him for lunch this past Friday so that he could tell me my son may soon be charged with selling drugs. Yeah, I'm thrilled to be here, folks! I can't begin to explain this now - which is probably one reason why I haven't posted in a while - and needless to say, my heart is breaking by the minute. My wonderfully smart, bright, funny, loving, obstinate, conniving, clown of a baby boy sold prescription drugs (not his) to his step-brother so he could in turn sell them to a kid at school. I want to die. I want to crawl in a hole and pull the ground over me and disappear. I can't even begin to imagine how he EVER in a million years could do something like that. Words escape me. Totally. I try to talk about it and nothing comes. Dreams come. Dreams that my son is dead, that my house is on fire and I can't get my kids out fast enough, dreams about storms of epic proportions that send me frantically searching the countryside looking for my children who I've lost and cannot find. I am so tired, but I don't want to sleep.

Do you have any idea what it's like to be dreaming that your child actually has died because he swallowed too many pills trying to have a good time, only to awaken and have that momentary flash that it WAS JUST A DREAM and then to realize that it might not actually be a dream for long???? It fucking sucks. I feel as though he is already dead. I have no way to contact him. No phone - the ex and his wife moved and left him there, remember? 400 miles from home. Thanks. Love ya, mean it. As of Friday afternoon, their number had been disconnected - so although he can stay at the house until the bank actually physically takes possession of it (oh, did I mention that my ex's new lawyer advised him to file bankruptcy because of the pending child support case? No, it won't relieve his obligation to pay the arrears due, but as long as he is IN bankruptcy, the Attorney General's office can make no attempt to collect arrears - only currently due amts and there are none in my case.) So although he can STAY at the house, there is NO PHONE THERE NOW. My ex-husband's take on the situation? "You can't MAKE him do anything - he's 18 - he has a right to be where he wants to be." Fucking pussy. He has no clue. You KNOW in your heart/head that legally you can't make them do anything - but you don't let the kid know that you know. You're damn sure gonna at least get caught trying, right??

I'll be making a trip down there as soon as I can get the money for gas. All I can do is pray that he IS going to class still and that he has realized what a stupid, awful thing he did and that he's not continuing to do it - and that I can find him, beat the living shit out of him (and some sense into him), then hug him, pack him up, and bring him the fuck home again with me.

Say a little prayer for me, would you? I need all the help I can get, and I'm not exactly on speaking terms with God right now. Oh, I know he's there, and that he's listening, I just don't know how to thank Him for all this - not yet. Maybe someday - we'll see. ...osm