Can a leopard change its spots?...
Or is it more likely that when we step back a bit, we just see him in the "bigger picture"?
Anyone who's been here before and taken the time to read through all my posts knows that I've done a LOT of griping about my ex-husband and his total non-involvement as a parent for the past 22 yrs - well, ok, maybe just the past 20 yrs since we separated and then divorced.
Anyway - if you want to know all that crap, you can read back - I'm not gonna even dredge that up in this post. What I want to do is start to modify my view of my ex and shed light on the new "relationship" that we have entered into through the series of events that have occurred to us as parents over the past 2-3 yrs.
The most recent "crisis" involved, surprisingly enough, NOT our son (the one who I have always really fretted about), but our oldest - the responsible, achiever-child. Please, PLEASE know that I am not upset at all with her - she is still the most wonderful child any parent could hope to have - ever - but she is what she is, a 22 y/o girl/woman who is still very naive in the ways of the world. Add that to the fact that she has recently TRULY blossomed into a beautiful woman with a great figure and very far removed from the shyer, less outwardly noticeable girl who graduated from high school 4 yrs ago. In other words, my daughter is now hot and looks the part.
Couple this with the fact that one of her 2 jobs is in a bar that caters to an older "cowboyish" crowd, and you can imagine that the people taking notice of her now tend to have a LOT more life experience than she does. One of these characters recently took an interest in our daughter and set about winning her favor. He took her to dinner, talked about honor and self-sacrifice, the virtues of higher education (she's a college student) and personal ethics, bought her flowers, made phone calls when he said he would etc.... All of that sounds really great - on the surface. My daughter called me to tell me about "the guy" and to sort of get my input/blessing on the start of what she considered to be the exact type of relationship she'd always wanted. I was listening along, feeling her excitement and knowing exactly what she meant/how she felt, and right up until the part where she said "but there's one thing..." I was onboard. Those 4 words made my heart stop, and as she sort of hesitated, I just wanted to scream "what?? what is it?? JUST TELL ME!!!" - not knowing if she was hesitating because he might be of a different ethnic background, or a member of some religious cult, or dying of a terminal illness - WHAT WAS IT?? She said "well, he's 42 years old".
O M G. I honestly nearly passed out, and for a second thought I was going to have to pull over my car (I was talking to her on my cell phone headset as I drove to meet my parents for a day's shopping.) I got lightheaded and swimmy, and it was literally all I could do to stay focused. Thankfully, I was approaching the mall's parking lot and was able to grab a spot and brace myself while I said "oh" and listened to her go on about how he was really so different from the other guys she's known. No kidding - different?? He's MY AGE - old enough to be your PARENT. Not only that, but he has for sure (to her knowledge) been married once before, but maybe twice - she wasn't sure. And, yes, he IS of a different ethnic background that we are - not that race IS the factor of consequence here, but it certainly adds to the dynamics of the situation. My heart raced - I tried to sound calm and reasonable - I just could not afford to launch into the myriad of protests swimming around in my head - not while my emotions were so raw. All I could do was try to point out some really GLARING problems/differences between her life and his and tell her very honestly that I just couldn't see that he was "THE one" - not for her, but that I truly did appreciate her honesty thank her for wanting to involve me in her life. She pointed out that she wasn't really asking my permission - but would like to have some kind of blessing and a promise that I would keep an open mind. My mind was screaming "not frigging likely and give me his address so I can find him and tell him to piss off" and my heart was aching because I KNEW exactly how she was feeling. I so truly remember the first time I fell for a guy - unfortunately, I was 15 at the time whereas she is 22 - but the feeling is the same. I didn't want to crush her, and yet I just couldn't sit back and say "Well, ok, if it's THAT important to you" and go with the flow.
This is the point I'm leading up to about her father and how he really stepped up to the plate and gave me reason to remember why I'd fallen in love with him some 24 years ago. I won't go into it right now, but will pick up this post tomorrow or the next day when I have a chance to - because I really feel that I owe it to him to tell people what he did.
Until then,
It's 10:45pm, do you know where your kids are?? Have you hugged them today and told them how much you love them?? DO IT!! ...osm
Anyone who's been here before and taken the time to read through all my posts knows that I've done a LOT of griping about my ex-husband and his total non-involvement as a parent for the past 22 yrs - well, ok, maybe just the past 20 yrs since we separated and then divorced.
Anyway - if you want to know all that crap, you can read back - I'm not gonna even dredge that up in this post. What I want to do is start to modify my view of my ex and shed light on the new "relationship" that we have entered into through the series of events that have occurred to us as parents over the past 2-3 yrs.
The most recent "crisis" involved, surprisingly enough, NOT our son (the one who I have always really fretted about), but our oldest - the responsible, achiever-child. Please, PLEASE know that I am not upset at all with her - she is still the most wonderful child any parent could hope to have - ever - but she is what she is, a 22 y/o girl/woman who is still very naive in the ways of the world. Add that to the fact that she has recently TRULY blossomed into a beautiful woman with a great figure and very far removed from the shyer, less outwardly noticeable girl who graduated from high school 4 yrs ago. In other words, my daughter is now hot and looks the part.
Couple this with the fact that one of her 2 jobs is in a bar that caters to an older "cowboyish" crowd, and you can imagine that the people taking notice of her now tend to have a LOT more life experience than she does. One of these characters recently took an interest in our daughter and set about winning her favor. He took her to dinner, talked about honor and self-sacrifice, the virtues of higher education (she's a college student) and personal ethics, bought her flowers, made phone calls when he said he would etc.... All of that sounds really great - on the surface. My daughter called me to tell me about "the guy" and to sort of get my input/blessing on the start of what she considered to be the exact type of relationship she'd always wanted. I was listening along, feeling her excitement and knowing exactly what she meant/how she felt, and right up until the part where she said "but there's one thing..." I was onboard. Those 4 words made my heart stop, and as she sort of hesitated, I just wanted to scream "what?? what is it?? JUST TELL ME!!!" - not knowing if she was hesitating because he might be of a different ethnic background, or a member of some religious cult, or dying of a terminal illness - WHAT WAS IT?? She said "well, he's 42 years old".
O M G. I honestly nearly passed out, and for a second thought I was going to have to pull over my car (I was talking to her on my cell phone headset as I drove to meet my parents for a day's shopping.) I got lightheaded and swimmy, and it was literally all I could do to stay focused. Thankfully, I was approaching the mall's parking lot and was able to grab a spot and brace myself while I said "oh" and listened to her go on about how he was really so different from the other guys she's known. No kidding - different?? He's MY AGE - old enough to be your PARENT. Not only that, but he has for sure (to her knowledge) been married once before, but maybe twice - she wasn't sure. And, yes, he IS of a different ethnic background that we are - not that race IS the factor of consequence here, but it certainly adds to the dynamics of the situation. My heart raced - I tried to sound calm and reasonable - I just could not afford to launch into the myriad of protests swimming around in my head - not while my emotions were so raw. All I could do was try to point out some really GLARING problems/differences between her life and his and tell her very honestly that I just couldn't see that he was "THE one" - not for her, but that I truly did appreciate her honesty thank her for wanting to involve me in her life. She pointed out that she wasn't really asking my permission - but would like to have some kind of blessing and a promise that I would keep an open mind. My mind was screaming "not frigging likely and give me his address so I can find him and tell him to piss off" and my heart was aching because I KNEW exactly how she was feeling. I so truly remember the first time I fell for a guy - unfortunately, I was 15 at the time whereas she is 22 - but the feeling is the same. I didn't want to crush her, and yet I just couldn't sit back and say "Well, ok, if it's THAT important to you" and go with the flow.
This is the point I'm leading up to about her father and how he really stepped up to the plate and gave me reason to remember why I'd fallen in love with him some 24 years ago. I won't go into it right now, but will pick up this post tomorrow or the next day when I have a chance to - because I really feel that I owe it to him to tell people what he did.
Until then,
It's 10:45pm, do you know where your kids are?? Have you hugged them today and told them how much you love them?? DO IT!! ...osm
posted by OneSingleMom @ 4/03/2006 08:19:00 PM
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