The Leopard's Spots, Part II

Ok - so it's been a while since I started this post. Sue me, I've been busy or distracted or something.

Anyway, let's see - what I was saying was that I was finally seeing a part of my ex-husband that reminded me why I had fallen in love with and married him some 23+ yrs ago and that was the reason I wanted to take back a lot of the really hateful, hurtful things I've said and thought about him since we split up.

I would also like to take this opportunity to say something to my kids - just in case they ever find this blog and read it. I am not in any way trying to embarrass you or "out" you about the life decisions you make that I don't understand. I really don't expect anyone who knows any of us to read this, anyway. I have not shared the address of this blog with the people I know, in general. In fact, there are really only two people who have the url that I know in "real" life - and neither of them live here. Anyway - that being said - let me get back to my original subject matter.

So, here we are - crisis in the making. Some 42 y/o married-at-least-once-maybe-twice loser is courting my daughter, filling her full of bull about being a self-taught man whose father emphasized respect and self-control for every human being - blahblahblah.....

Sorry - but all I can hear is he's 42 y/o and married probably twice. Can't get past it - don't care if he taught himself to speak English, don't care if he's all about higher education, don't care, don't care, don't care. All I can think is that my daughter is SO inexperienced in the ways of the world - she's never had a serious boyfriend (or maybe one), most likely never DONE anything physically serious with a boy/man (don't scoff, her faith, her body, and her morals have always been very important to her), and I can see from miles away that this guy is really only interested in seeing if he can get past all that to make the score. And even if he's not - he's been there, done that, on ALL the important "firsts" of life already - and I know in my heart that my daughter deserves to experience at least SOME of those "firsts", if not all of them, with someone who's of similar experience as she.

Now what? What do I do?? Who do I turn to??? I can't tell my parents - they would be just devastated (I made that mistake when I talked to them about my son's troubles a couple of years ago). Not that they would judge - not at all - but they WOULD be heartbroken and worried, and then they'd also be asking me about it from now on, and I just can't go there. So - I did what I have always harped at my ex- about when it comes to parenting - I called him and said "I need your help."

I told him the whole story - he didn't interrupt once. I asked him what he thought. He sounded like he was very shaken - maybe even emotional - and (thank you GOD!) he agreed with me that we needed to do something, and FAST!!!

This man that I have reviled and belittled in my own mind for the past 20 yrs or so, stepped up and did something I would never have expected. #1 - I did find out from my daughter what line of work this guy was in, and as it happens, I have friends in the same business so I called one of them up and said "Have you ever heard of a G-- R------?" The tone in my friend's voice when she answered me told me that what I was going to hear wouldn't be good. Yup, she sure did know him - used to work with him, in fact - and why did I ask? "What do you know about him?" I queried. Now, my friend knows I'm single (duh) and that I know a lot of other single folks, so I guess she assumed that one of them might have stumbled on this guy and was interested. Her first answer was "What do you want to know?" - I told her I wanted to know EVERYTHING she could tell me. Her next words were "Well, he's a real smooth talker, that's for sure." Oh GOD, I knew it!!! Over the next 15-20 minutes I found out that he had indeed worked with her, been fired for some kind of misconduct or incompetence (didn't ask the details of that), and that around the shop he was known as quite the hound. In fact, she said that the guys even had a special "whistle" they'd use when G came in to signal him for his latest "pussy story" as she put it. I was nauseous. My poor baby was really believing that this man cared that she had an education and carried herself well and that he respected her for her goals and her wonderful vibrant soul - AND her morals. He was taking her to dinner, buying her flowers, being attentive with phone calls, etc... and all the while, back at the "shop" it would be business as usual - and BY GOD, I couldn't let my daughter be the next "story" for the guys.

I told all of this to my ex-. I thought he was going to cry. I could tell he was angry, to say the least - not at our daughter - but at the scumbag. He said "Well, I'll talk to her - tell her a little bit about my OWN experience in that area" (he had been drawn into an affair with a much older woman when he was about 18 and it ended very badly), "and see if I can make her understand a couple of things". I told him I didn't really want her to think I'd just come running/tattling to him - and I SURE didn't want her to know where I found out everything I knew about him.

This is what he did. He went to her, said he wanted to talk to her about G. She was pretty angry by the time this all came about - had told me that we had nothing further to discuss about him - she was a big girl and would live her own life, etc.... He handled her so much better than I ever could have - didn't butt heads with her - pointed out the flawed logic and huge holes in G's own stories about his life/history/background, and bared his soul about his own mistakes with older relationships. I know this was VERY, VERY hard for him, as that affair had left him with many hurts that to this day I'm not sure he's gotten over. He also told her he happened to have a friend in town that was in the same business as G and that he'd asked his friend about him - and told her what I had actually found out. I couldn't believe it - he took the heat for me - I mean, I know it was for our daughter's benefit - but he did it in a way that took the blame off of me. I was stunned. He had no reason to do that - he could very easily have just let me run roughshod over her - lose my cool, push her further away by simply telling her I could never accept her relationship with this "man" (that's a loose interpretation of the word), etc.... He had everything to gain by stepping back and letting ME be the unreasonable, controlling, meddling, overprotective mom and then he could be the understanding, supportive, REASONABLE parent.

I thank God for him in ways I had never thought I would. I thank God for the fact that somehow, we (not just I) managed to raise a daughter who, at age 22, could look her father in the eye and say "Well, I trust your judgement in this, Dad - and I don't want you and Mom to be upset or angry with me, so I'll tell him I can't see him anymore." and then she stuck to it! As angry and hurt as she was - and it wasn't just that simple - I mean, we had a few more emotional conversations about it - she felt she'd made a mistake by breaking it off with him. (Of course, because when she did, she told him what we'd found out about his reputation and he had a perfectly reasonable explanation about his past actions, but he was a changed man, etc....) But she did it.

I have to say that I am proud of her in ways that words could never express - so if you ever read this, Lauren, please know that I DO understand how hard it was for you to just do what your parents thought was best for you, and that I'm so sorry still that what you were looking for and thought you'd found was something that you had to give up for your family - but I know someday you WILL understand be thankful that you did.

And, Rocky - if YOU ever read this - please know that I am really at a loss to describe how much I admire what you did for our daughter. I have underestimated you for a long, long time - and I SO appreciate the fact that when she REALLY, REALLY, needed you and it would have been SO easy for you to just sit back and let me be the bad guy, you stepped up. You treated her with respect and kindness and you treated her like an adult, and you buffered a situation that could very likely have caused a rift between me and her that would have taken YEARS to begin to heal. You parented in a way that I never have been able to, and I thank you.

I can only hope that some day, when she needs him most, Ashellyn's daddy will be there for her in the same way.

Take care, ...osm

Can a leopard change its spots?...

Or is it more likely that when we step back a bit, we just see him in the "bigger picture"?

Anyone who's been here before and taken the time to read through all my posts knows that I've done a LOT of griping about my ex-husband and his total non-involvement as a parent for the past 22 yrs - well, ok, maybe just the past 20 yrs since we separated and then divorced.

Anyway - if you want to know all that crap, you can read back - I'm not gonna even dredge that up in this post. What I want to do is start to modify my view of my ex and shed light on the new "relationship" that we have entered into through the series of events that have occurred to us as parents over the past 2-3 yrs.

The most recent "crisis" involved, surprisingly enough, NOT our son (the one who I have always really fretted about), but our oldest - the responsible, achiever-child. Please, PLEASE know that I am not upset at all with her - she is still the most wonderful child any parent could hope to have - ever - but she is what she is, a 22 y/o girl/woman who is still very naive in the ways of the world. Add that to the fact that she has recently TRULY blossomed into a beautiful woman with a great figure and very far removed from the shyer, less outwardly noticeable girl who graduated from high school 4 yrs ago. In other words, my daughter is now hot and looks the part.

Couple this with the fact that one of her 2 jobs is in a bar that caters to an older "cowboyish" crowd, and you can imagine that the people taking notice of her now tend to have a LOT more life experience than she does. One of these characters recently took an interest in our daughter and set about winning her favor. He took her to dinner, talked about honor and self-sacrifice, the virtues of higher education (she's a college student) and personal ethics, bought her flowers, made phone calls when he said he would etc.... All of that sounds really great - on the surface. My daughter called me to tell me about "the guy" and to sort of get my input/blessing on the start of what she considered to be the exact type of relationship she'd always wanted. I was listening along, feeling her excitement and knowing exactly what she meant/how she felt, and right up until the part where she said "but there's one thing..." I was onboard. Those 4 words made my heart stop, and as she sort of hesitated, I just wanted to scream "what?? what is it?? JUST TELL ME!!!" - not knowing if she was hesitating because he might be of a different ethnic background, or a member of some religious cult, or dying of a terminal illness - WHAT WAS IT?? She said "well, he's 42 years old".

O M G. I honestly nearly passed out, and for a second thought I was going to have to pull over my car (I was talking to her on my cell phone headset as I drove to meet my parents for a day's shopping.) I got lightheaded and swimmy, and it was literally all I could do to stay focused. Thankfully, I was approaching the mall's parking lot and was able to grab a spot and brace myself while I said "oh" and listened to her go on about how he was really so different from the other guys she's known. No kidding - different?? He's MY AGE - old enough to be your PARENT. Not only that, but he has for sure (to her knowledge) been married once before, but maybe twice - she wasn't sure. And, yes, he IS of a different ethnic background that we are - not that race IS the factor of consequence here, but it certainly adds to the dynamics of the situation. My heart raced - I tried to sound calm and reasonable - I just could not afford to launch into the myriad of protests swimming around in my head - not while my emotions were so raw. All I could do was try to point out some really GLARING problems/differences between her life and his and tell her very honestly that I just couldn't see that he was "THE one" - not for her, but that I truly did appreciate her honesty thank her for wanting to involve me in her life. She pointed out that she wasn't really asking my permission - but would like to have some kind of blessing and a promise that I would keep an open mind. My mind was screaming "not frigging likely and give me his address so I can find him and tell him to piss off" and my heart was aching because I KNEW exactly how she was feeling. I so truly remember the first time I fell for a guy - unfortunately, I was 15 at the time whereas she is 22 - but the feeling is the same. I didn't want to crush her, and yet I just couldn't sit back and say "Well, ok, if it's THAT important to you" and go with the flow.

This is the point I'm leading up to about her father and how he really stepped up to the plate and gave me reason to remember why I'd fallen in love with him some 24 years ago. I won't go into it right now, but will pick up this post tomorrow or the next day when I have a chance to - because I really feel that I owe it to him to tell people what he did.

Until then,
It's 10:45pm, do you know where your kids are?? Have you hugged them today and told them how much you love them?? DO IT!! ...osm