Starstruck...

I met Ben Stein yesterday.

He was in town speaking to the incoming freshman class at the local university, then he took time to do a book signing at Hasting's here in town, and then on to the neighboring big city to do a fundraiser of some kind of other.

Now, I live in a SMALL town in Texas. Yes, we do have a University (part of the Texas A&M University system) as well as a pretty well known Museum (if you travel in museum circles), and a nearby canyon (2nd biggest in the U.S.) that boasts the longest running outdoor musical anywhere in the world, I guess. But we are still a small town - pretty much just a small spot on any road map - not something you'd detour to drive through. The most famous local person we have is probably Terry Funk. If you don't follow pro wrestling, you might have seen him in movies such as Roadhouse with Patrick Swayze and Beyond the Mat by/with Sylvester Stallone. But I digress.

I happened to find out about Mr Stein's presence in town quite by accident (I evidently spend WAY TOO much time sitting in here in my ofc on the internet and not in listening to local radio or tv news - the only tv I ever watch anymore would be BB5 and Joan of Arcadia - if it's not daytime during week and my youngest is watching PBS or Disney). I was surfing the 'net for some information a friend asked me to check out about Clay Aiken's upcoming performance here being cancelled, and I came across the entertainment news that Ben Stein was here - TODAY - and I hadn't any time to spare!!

I'm definitely NOT prone to bouts of hero worship or celebrity stalking - I generally tend to drift the other way - and have only made exceptions so far for 3 people: Elton John, Cher, and now Ben Stein. (My sister and I paid an excessive amt of money to see Elton John in concert a few years ago - I consider it well-spent - and a friend and I tried for DAYS till we finally won tickets to see Cher - oh c'mon - it was CHER for pete's sake and I grew up in the sixties/seventies!!!) Hell my dad grew up with Jimmy Dean (the sausage guy) and I don't even make the trip home when he's at my folks' visiting unless my mother insists!!!

Anyway - I really was interested in going to the book signing and getting his autograph. I love the fact that there is someone out there who doesn't sink to political mudslinging tactics and can still point out the bias and outright dishonesty of the liberal, leftwing, bleeding heart, finger-pointing, name-calling, yellow dog democrats and hollywood hate mongers. Whew, that felt good to say!! He just sits there and calls a spade a spade and un-skews the numbers and the polls and puts them back in their proper perspective. I like that. So I called my mom and my oldest friend and said "Hey! Ben Stein's in town today - wanna go to Hasting's at 2:30 to meet him?" Never mind the fact that I had to tell my mother who he was - what got her hooked was that he was a speech writer for Nixon. Of course, after we got there she said "Oh! NOW I know who he is!"

The real point I had in writing about him is this: Ben Stein is a gracious person. When we arrived at the book signing (nearly an hour after it started because I was running late as usual), there was still a small line - which I was actually GLAD to see because there really weren't many cars in the parking lot outside). Word inside the store was that when the signing started (and it may have actually started earlier than scheduled), the line wound its way around and in/out of the shelves and aisles of the entire store. Mr. Stein's "people" had originally said "Ok, you can have him for 30 minutes, tops" (he had yet another speaking engagement scheduled later that afternoon), but Ben said "No, I'll stay here as long as I need to - no problem!" I learned this in talking to one of the Hasting's media/publicity people who had been with him all day. How nice. In all, he was there nearly 2 whole hours from the scheduled start of the event at 2:30, longer if you consider one of his staffers told me they got there around 1pm - wow.

He had a firm, genuine handshake for everyone who came through the line, and asked most people about themselves - not just how to spell the name for the autograph, but what they did for a living, about their families, etc.... He even stood up and hugged more than one person, was nice enough to pose for pictures, and my mother said she heard him tell one young girl (who, by the way came in as Mr. Stein was on his way out the door - he took time to stop and talk to her and put his arm around her and hug her) that he would pray for her and her family. Of course, when it was MY turn, all I could think to say was "We really appreciate your being here" - how lame is that?? I had a friend from Orlando who wanted me to ask him when he planned on challenging "that pussy Alex Trebek" (his words, not mine), and to tell him he had $100 on him (Ben). But I couldn't even go there. He asked about my daughter (the two-year-old was with me, but had fallen asleep and was in the arms of my friend, Michelle - who I introduced as the designated baby holder.) I am such a putz.

So, thank you, Ben Stein - for treating us with respect and for looking us in the eye and meeting each one of us more the way you might at an intimate cocktail party - as people you were interested in - rather than as curious onlookers, or fans looking for a small brush with celebrity.

By the way, I have been reading his book - which I truly WAS interested in doing before I knew he was in town - this way I just managed to actually go out and BUY it AND get it autographed! It is pretty good - I'm just getting into it, but I am really looking forward to every page and to finding out what it might be that he and his co-author believe average American Patriots can do to restore our country to greatness - and I believe that he will say we must begin AT HOME to stop bashing our country and our government and stand united against the rest of the world. ...osm

That's Randy S. Brison, currently from TX - not to be confused with....

Just a note. It has occurred to me that there are other men in the U.S. (not to mention the world) named Randy Brison. In fact, there is one from TN who seems to be a very fine, upstanding Christian family kinda guy. This is NOT the sperm donor about whom I frequently will rant. ...osm

DWPF, Computer Literate but Somewhat Confused iso Blogging Expert for Friendship, Possible LTR

Can ANYONE out there tell me how to add to my sidebar in this format?? I would like to provide links to some other blogs I like to read, but I cannot figure out how. I tried reading the blogger help, but since I don't understand what I'm doing in the first place, I didn't really understand WHERE to add the html text provided in the help section on sidebars.

What I'm wondering is this: do I need to change the template of my entire blog to another one?? Are there some out here that support sidebars and some that do not?? Or can anyone talk/walk me through adding a sidebar to my existing template??

I'm willing to barter/trade for help - providing I have what someone's interested in (and that it's legal and moral - if not in good taste, lol).

THANKS!!! ...osm

Pushing the Fledglings Out of The Nest

Reading Jen's post about her son leaving to go back to college and the mixed feelings she had about that, reminded me that I have a TON of things to say about this subject myself.

I might need to back up here and clarify a couple of things: I have 3 children - two by my former husband who are now 20 and 18 years old, and a two-year-old who is mine alone!

My middle child, my son, came home last summer (August '03) and said: "Mom, I've been thinking about it for a while now, and I'd really like to try living at my dad's house this year."

Wow. After 17+ yrs of raising him ALONE (his dad and I separated when he was only 8 months old), he wants to go live with his father and the woman I call my step-wife (ugh) and their brood. A father who hasn't paid child support without being forced to over the past 8+ yrs - not to mention hasn't carried insurance as ordered, helped pay a SINGLE medical bill, and has NEVER EVER taken time out of his work or "other family" schedule to visit either my son or his sister in the hospital.

Hmmmm.... what was my answer? (Screaming inside "hell no, over my dead body, not without a gun to my head) - I said "well, if that's really want you want to do, let's talk about it". (What? am I NUTS??? You KNOW the only reason he wants to go is that they've worked on him about it all summer long - and you KNOW the only reason THEY want him there is to avoid paying the child support he owes you.) I asked my son how he expected to finish school (I had pulled him out of public school and he was attending a private, albeit NOT exclusive, school that would offer a diploma - not state recognized - but that would get him into the local jr college and from there he could transfer to a state university). He told me he had checked with the director of the school and they had agreed to let him do his work via correspondence. Ok - reason #1 to get out gracefully - gone.

I knew what my son's other motivation was - he wanted to DRIVE. I did not allow either of my two older children to obtain a driver's license at age 16 - a fact that would have driven me to commit MURDER had my parents denied the same privilege to ME at age 16. But frankly, I did not have the money it would take to add teenaged drivers to my insurance at the time my oldest turned 16, and of course she backed into someone promptly AFTER getting her license at 17 - so my rates went up even more than normal. There was NO WAY I was going to be able to afford a 2nd teenaged driver - a boy - only a year and a half later. Besides, I really did not think either of them were mature enough at 16 to handle driving. (Boy am I getting old, or what?)

And the truth is, I've always harbored the (sick) fantasy that some day my children's father would realize just how much he'd missed out on by not seeing them more than twice a year and how remiss he was to have let birthdays go by without phone calls - and of COURSE SURELY he would realize that the children we made together were so much more intelligent/good looking/worth - pick any of those phrases or substitute your own - than the ones made with the bride of frankenstein - that he'd really sincerely make an effort some day to "reconnect" with these two wonderful kids. YUCK - talk about major subject for therapy, eh? Well folks - you're reading MY therapy, lol - how sick does that make you?? (just kidding - I'm glad someone is reading)

One thing I really need to clear up at this point: My ex-husband's current wife had NOTHING to do with our break-up, so I harbor absolutely NO ill feelings towards her where our relationship is concerned. I DO, however, have VERY hard feelings towards her for the way she has treated my kids since about the time she and Rocky (that's his name) had their first child together and she no longer HAD to be nice to mine - she HAD him by the balls NOW!

OMG - I just typed a whole other story with this blog about my oldest daughter and her living with me while going to school, etc.... I went to do some formatting, and *POOF* the whole thing DISAPPEARED!! AAARRRRGGGHHHH - fortunately I had this first part saved as a draft - so that's all you're getting now. I'll tell you about her at a later date/time when I feel like trying to remember everything I said - not that anyone will really miss it if it never gets out here, lol.... osm

So Many Blogs, So Little Time...

Wow - time really flies whether you're having fun or not. It's been quite a while (over a week, in fact) since I actually made it here to put some words down on, er - what exactly is this?? It's not paper - and it's not even necessarily in black and white - so I don't know quite what to call it. Cyber-perpetuity? (is perpetuity spelled correctly? I suppose I'll have to check now to see.)

Any-hoo, back to my dilemma. For a week or so now, every time I MADE myself find the time to come out here put down something for someone somewhere to read, I got sidetracked. I supposed I could blame it (initially) on Jen and Paula - or maybe on blogger itself - for listing soooo many other more interesting blogs to look at!

I have read so far about everything from the x-rated antics of an oversexed exec and his barely-legal office assistant to logs about a professional massage "therapist" who offers to see her clients through to "completion" to a typical Chinese college student's life and experiences with her boyfriend and an assorted cast (this was quite interesting as it was written in English - perhaps because the UK still holds Hong Kong, or used to, whichever). I also have read some very interesting commentaries by several conservative political pundits - which I found particularly interesting and which kept me busy for a couple of hours as I clicked on link after link after link, getting myself deeper and deeper into the chain of blogs. I read one blog by a young girl whose birthday is the same day as my oldest daughter - maybe a couple of years earlier - so I read it simply for that reason. She talked about college life and piercings and tattoos and which of her friends were sleeping with the others also. Let's see... oh YES - there is the continuing saga of the California bar bouncer and company - quite amusing.

Most of these well put-together cyber journals makes me wonder why I even bother attempting to entertain myself - let alone anyone else - with my own rants and raves. But then again, I only started this thing for the sole purpose of bashing a certain scum sucking sewer rat and exorcising a few of my own demons.

Maybe I should just have another piece of cake and a glass of milk and call it a night - right now I'm much more in the mood to read about Kashmir's travels in the Peruvian rain forest than to pour out my guts or worry about correct use of grammar and punctuation.

I do have a few ideas for future posts, so I'm making a list here - in case I forget:

1) reconnecting with old high school friends/classmates

2) why I'm ready for my 20 y/o daughter to get out from under my house and out on her own

3) why so many men are homophobic and yet - they all seem to have a fascination with trying to convince a woman to try anal sex (ok - just threw this one in to see if you were still awake)

4) my ex-husband, the moron and his slutty sidekick I call my stepwife

5) funny resume blunders I've actually read first-hand (this one should be put into book form, published, and make me a rich woman)

6) people who drive down the e-way in the left hand lane - but not going faster than the right hand lane - as if they consider themselves the official pacecar of the canyon e-way

7) why I'm a selfish horrible person and I know it, but can't seem to help myself

8) are there ANY good men left out there who can appreciate me - oh hell - are there any good men out there, period????

later.... osm

How Many Licks Does it Take....??

Ok - here I sit bawling - I'm supposed to be working, and I have been - with the radio playing country music in the background. There was a PLAIN and simple reason why I gave up Country Music after I separated and then divorced - it just freakin' depresses the HELL out of me!! But my oldest daughter likes it, and some of the stuff today is really good, so lately I've found myself listening to it more and more - BIG MISTAKE.

And now, as I sit here sorting through resumes and making my daily calls to hiring managers and candidates, in my subconscious I hear the words to a song by Gary Allan come pouring out over the air waves. It's a song about a daddy's love for his little girl - I believe it's entitled "Tough Little Boys". It's all about how this grown man is turned all to mush watching his little girl grow and change - and all the inevitable emotional tugs there will be - watching her take her first steps, go off to school, get married, etc....

Which brings me to the cause of my tears. My own little angel lies sleeping in her bed - my GOD she is beautiful - with her golden blonde hair, but dark, dark THICK eyelashes against her porcelain skin. She's just as beautiful when she's awake, because she has eyes of the BLUEST, truest BLUE you've ever seen - not sky blue, and not dark - just brilliant BLUE. Anyway - this song makes me so painfully aware that my baby's father goes about his daily routine without even sparing a thought for her existence, let along her well-being - and certainly she will never hear him say how he watched in with the most thrilling trepidation as she took her first steps, or how he cried like a baby and followed her school bus all the way into town on her first day of school, or how he knows some day he'll have to give her away - he's already done that. He did it the night we made her. He did it the minute he told me he loved me and wanted to live with me forever - with the first lie that came from his lips. It makes me want to pick up the phone and call Mr. Randy Brison (see, I made it almost a whole month before I actually used his name - hence the tootsie pop reference) and tell him what a pathetic person he is - and how I ALMOST feel sorry for him.

She is awake now; I can hear her over the baby monitor - lying in her bed, singing a song that only a two-year-old can compose. She is precious. She holds the world in her tiny little hands - it is hers to hold fast or to throw away. Anything is possible for her - except her father's love. I hate him for that. Fuck him. What a loser - who could do this to their own child?? I don't mind that he changed his mind about wanting me - I'm a big girl, I'll get over it. How will she?

She already has used the word "dad" to mean ANY person of the male persuasion, not knowing that it is supposed to be reserved for the male person who, if he didn't donate the dna to create you at least cares more about you than any other in the world and would die so that you might live. Don't get me wrong - I know there are LOTS of dads who suck - my ex-husband has let my older kids down so many times it is unreal, but at least they KNEW who he was. At least he managed to have a few bright and shining moments - and has wanted to know about them and hug them and tell them he loved them. It's a different kind of pain when they at least KNOW what "dad" is supposed to mean than it is when trying to explain to a child that "dad" isn't just a random word. It is supposed to have purpose and meaning - and a face to see yourself in, and arms to pick you up and hold you, and lips to kiss away your fears/tears/boo-boos.

AAARRRRGGGGHHHH - these are the days when I wonder how stupid I really am. How could I have thought it would be fair to her to bring her into this world and to keep her myself??? And yet - anything else would just not have been an option for me. Which is the bottom line - she is for me. I wanted her. I needed her. Far more than she will ever need me - I hope that doesn't become a weight around her neck. I will have to work very hard to let her be her and to live her life without worrying who's going to be there for Mom.

Like I said - I'm a big girl, I can take it. I just wish my little girl had a daddy - HER daddy - and in a moment of true weakness - I wish he had her, too because he's the one who's really missing out.... osm

A Little Controversy...

I just read a post on another blog - http://ridor.blogspot.com/ . The post was entitled "I Have No Right To Tell Them How To Live Their Lives!" I actually wrote this post as a comment, but it turned out so long, I couldn't post it there (they have a 1000 word limit). So, I just said I enjoyed the comments and left my URL. So, without further comment - here is what I wrote:

I am a single (divorced 15+ yrs ago) woman, age 42, white, Christian, (mainly) Republican - and at age 39 I found myself pregnant. I have two older children from my marriage - at that time they were aged 17 and 15 - and the father of my unborn child was married. What did he want?? Of course he wanted me to have an abortion and at first I agreed. I even went so far as to make the appointment and necessary arrangements for the procedure.... After all, I loved him, I didn't want to hurt him and I was really concerned about hurting my own family and letting down my kids after years of trying to set a good example. Basically, I didn't want any of them to know what I had done, either.

Two days before the scheduled time, I had to tell him I could not go through with it - I knew that if I did I would die - if not physically, then certainly emotionally/spiritually (I already felt bad enough about having an affair with a married man). Trust me - it was not an easy decision either way - it's no easier to tell your parents/children you are pregnant when you are nearly 40 than it is when you are 16.

Did I make the right decision? I did - for me. Would I do the same thing again - I'm not sure, I haven't been there; I hope I never am. Do I support another woman's right to decide?? ABSOLUTELY! Therefore I categorically oppose any governmental edict affecting or limiting the right of a woman to have control over what her body is required to do or not do. But if asked my personal opinion of abortion, I have to say I do believe it is murder.

One problem as I see it is this: the decision to have your FIRST abortion may be a difficult one, but it tends to get a little easier after that. You'd be surprised how many people (women) "counseled" me to have an abortion by confiding in me that they too had aborted children - that's right - CHILDREN - not one abortion, but 2 or more. I was amazed. I felt I was being pressured to "join the club" - and we all know misery loves company.

I personally DO know a woman who uses abortion as a method of birth control (she has had approximately 14 of them - NO I am NOT exaggerating - she had 2 in less than 12 months between 2002/2003). She is also raising 3 children from 2 previous marriages. Why does she not simply use the pill?? I have NO CLUE - she drinks a lot (enough to impair her judgment on a regular basis) - and I suppose that having her tubes tied would cost too much up front with no insurance, so it's easier to scrounge up $400 at a time every 6-18 months than it is to pay whatever the cost of sterilization is since she would have to pay that off BEFORE she has the procedure. Yes, I AM in favor of government-funded sterilization for women who cannot afford it and who REQUEST it. In spite of my total inability to comprehend her actions or her motivations, I still support her right to make the decision to terminate any future pregnancies.

I wish I could say that my baby's father respected my decision. He did not - he really wanted to avoid taking any kind of responsibility for his own actions and went to great lengths to avoid doing so. He even went so far as to pack up his wife and his mother-in-law and move 400 miles away to avoid their finding out (I certainly was not threatening to tell), but I did, in the end, take him to court for child support - so I can see why men would want some say in the outcome of an unplanned pregnancy. The bottom line is - you (men) should be prepared to abide by and support a woman's reproductive choice the minute your dick gets hard and you decide to have sex. If you're not, then DON'T DO IT, because you are giving away sovereignty over your own future.

Once a baby is made, it cannot be unmade - and an abortion does not change that fact one bit. It just makes it easier to hide the truth... in my opinion.

Footnote: I am 1000% percent grateful and happy to have my little angel! I would not trade her for anything in this world and I intend to let her know that EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I do feel bad that I could not provide her with a mommy AND a daddy who love her - and I know she will have some really difficult self-esteem issues to deal with where that is concerned (unless I find a "daddy" before she's much older - and that's about as likely as pigs flying), but I chose to have her and I owe her the very best that I can give her - anything less is not an option. ...osm

Nothing In Particular

I have no idea what I'm going to write about today. I just know that I haven't been here in a whole week and I probably should write something.

I suppose I don't have anything to say because I've had the blahs and I really feel like there is nothing in my life worthy of comment right now. I have a friend who is going in to have gastric-bypass surgery in a couple of weeks. I personally don't think I would ever choose that as an option, but I am happy for her - and a little jealous because I know that a month from now she will probably be about 50lbs lighter. Wouldn't that be nice? I wish her the best - and besides - in my own warped sense of judgment, I don't feel "bested" by her, after all, she did it with surgery - and not by good old-fashioned hard work, right? Yeah, well - that's what I'll tell myself when I'm feeling really sorry for me and she's wearing a size 6. haha

People who have not ever been really fat but who have always tried to be fit and eat healthy have no clue what it is like to know that the ONLY way for you to lose weight and keep it off is to eat NOTHING. Some of us simply have bodies that turn everything we eat into fat. What's funny to me is that when I was younger (high school age), I THOUGHT I was fat. HA HA!! When I graduated from high school, I was 5' 9" and weighed about 155# - including some nice boobs and an ass J-Lo would be jealous of. Man, those were the days!!! The problem is, in my mind I still see myself that way, so looking in a mirror is always a big schock! I just wish my mind could retain that image when I'm downing that last bite of a 15# chicken fried steak with pan fried potatoes and onions - all smothered in good thick country gravy!!! mmmm-mmmm!!

My good friend Sharla describes our condition in a great word: FATOREXIA. No matter how fat we are, we see ourselves as thinner; therefore, we continue to eat ourselves into oblivion.

I should mention at this point that I probably will have to start calling Sharla my FORMER friend. She became obsessed with the no-carb craze about 7 months ago and to date she has lost about 70# - maybe more. She probably can't be my friend anymore - she's just another skinny little bitch to me now. But in spite of the fact that I can't stand her, I am happy for her. Of course she still suffers from FATOREXIA, and due to this, she cannot EVER allow herself to eat like a regular person - she is doomed to canned chicken, tuna, broiled steaks, bacon, eggs, green beans, and whatever other stuff is included in that confounded diet. DAMN, now I've gone and made myself hungry.

Don't get me wrong - I LOVE all those foods - I DO - but I love everything else that goes with them, too - and how can you eat without frying?? Tell me that?? I'm a good southern girl - how on earth can you eat bacon and eggs without biscuits and gravy - or grits?? And how can you have a ribeye steak, broiled (rare) to perfection - hot and crunchy fat on the outside - red and juicy on the inside - without a freakin' baked potato smothered in butter, sour cream, chives, and bacon bits?? huh?? tell me - would ya???? And what becomes of fried okra?? SWEET tea?? creamed corn (or corn of any kind, for that matter - which brings me to another subject: have you ever picked an ear of corn and eaten it right off the stalk - raw and warm from standing in the sun all day? Oh... MY.... GAWD - there is NOTHING like it!!!).

See my problem now?? I LOVE FOOD!! Doesn't matter what kind - Chinese, Japanese (even sushi -YUM), Italian, MEXICAN (omg - i AM from TX, ya know!), Greek, Cajun, French (yeah, I'll eat escargot), Indian, Thai - I could go on and on and on.

Oh, and here's a nice segway to reality tv. Anyone see week-before-last's episode of the Amazing Race? the one where they had to eat 2 lbs of caviar with a spoon?? ROFLMAO - That poor guy with the skinny girlfriend who got all dizzy and nauseous after about 5 bites?? He should have taken along a nice fat girl like me - that stuff would have disappeared "tout de suite" - and we'd have been in first place, no doubt!!

I know I've already admitted to you that I'm addicted to reality tv - primarily confined to these favorites: Survivor, Big Brother, The Amazing Race, and The Surreal Life (although I do not watch this religiously). I have also been known to tune in for The (notwayinhellisit) Real World and Road Rules - but really only because I have teenaged children and I want to see the world from their point of view, too. I cannot stand the matchmaking-for-money shows like the Bachelor/Bachelorette, Who Wants to Marry My Dad/Mom, et al. All I can think is - this guy just spent last night or last weekend with another of those girls and now he's boinking the next one?? EWWWW.... talk about your sloppy seconds - NO THANK YOU! Besides - I like the games that involve some kind of mental dexterity, logic, and maybe even a little chicanery.

Well ok - looks like somehow I managed to blab on and on again about nothing and still fill up a page or so (or is that a full screen - I don't know the correct terminology online, since there is no set page-size). I need to go check out Jen and Paula's "One of Us" blog - I don't know yet how to link y'all to it, but as soon as I figure it out, I'll add it and a few others I find interesting or funny. In the meantime, I think i'll go stick a bag of popcorn in the microwave and melt some extra butter to go on it!! ...osm

WOW! My First Comment... Somebody IS Reading This!!

Hey! I received my first comment tonight on my blog. That was a funny feeling, I must say (thank you, Ed Grimly).

I went to reply to that post - and sort of ended up writing a mini-post of my own on the other person's blog - so I thought I'd be lazy and just copy/paste it here and use it my own self:

O M G!! There can't be more of me/you out here!! :)Thanks for the comment earlier - I wouldn't go so far as to say that I am an amazing person - more like I'm an AMAZED person - amazed to be where I am sometimes, lol....

I am a child of the early sixties (LOVED Petticoat Junction and grew up make-believing my friend Lori Jane McClure and I were Samantha and Tabitha because BEWITCHED ROCKS - and we lived with the MONKEES!!) - and I AM a blonde with killer measurements - if I FALL ON YOU!!! ha ha ha....

I consider myself a dysfunctional bulemic - I can binge, but I can't purge. Here's a word for your personal dictionary: fatorexic. I KNOW I'm fat cuz the scales say so - but in my mind, I'm just a skinny little bitch!!

Doesn't being single suck at our age?? Of all the people I know, I'm the least socially active; even though I had a baby in 2002, I haven't had a date (not to mention s-e-x) in something like 3 years. YIPES!!! There has to be a word to make up for that one, but as of yet, I haven't been able to! I've been single now for over 15 years, and with the exception of 2 particular intimate relationships - both within the last 5 years - it's been a long haul by myself.

I really hate it - but I don't want to try dating, either. Too scary, too dangerous, and inevitibly ends in disaster. I have no clue how to fix this. If anyone has a suggestion, please feel free to let me know. I do not want to grow old alone by any means, and the truth is, my youngest daughter deserves a daddy in her life - one worthy of her love and respect - unlike the sperm donor who, for now, will remain anonymous in this blog. Funny, since I originally entertained the idea of a blog for the almost sole purpose of plastering his name all over it - sort of my version of the proverbial "cyber bathroom wall" graffiti that would be most fitting for someone of his low character. But then I thought "what does that say about MY character?" and that pretty much slowed me down.

I only blog when the spirit hits me - but I am going to try to add something at least weekly. I have no idea which direction this will take me, but I am THRILLED to no end to be doing it.

OH - and one more thing - regarding Reality TV: I HAVE THE LIVE FEED, BABY!! If you have any questions about BB5 and what's going on - ASK ME!! I work from home - and I'm nearly always online (as my posting times will bear witness). It's a very indulgent pasttime, I agree - how sad is it to be so "into" what these strange people do living in a house all together?? My sister has a co-worker who always gets the live feed (this is my first time). Anyway, she describes it perfectly - she calls it "watching her ants" (as in an ant farm) - which is actually quite appropriate when you think about it. I keep wondering what will happen if I hold a magnifying glass up to the sun and aim the beam of light at Jase or Scott - would their heads explode or something??? oh well - I can dream.... osm