O M G - Did I Just Send that Email??

Well, here goes nothing.

I just sent an email to my boss because I haven't been paid a big commission check (and I work on 100% commission) for a placement I made back in JULY. Now let me just say this: there are a LOT of recruiters working for this company who have made WAY more placements than I, but I really think I might have been more motivated to make placements if I had ever yet received ONE CHECK ON TIME.

I was told when I started that I would have my commission checks an average of two weeks after the candidate's start date. Not so. To date, no check for a placement has made its way to me in less than 6 wks after the candidate started work. I have been getting them, admittedly, but NOT in a timely manner.

Yesterday, I found out that my ex-husband and the step-wife have packed up and moved out of their house, back up here, leaving my 18 y/o son to fend for himself 400 miles away from ANYONE who cares about him. Did they call to tell me this?? FUCK NO. I only found out because I asked my oldest daughter to call their house and ask for her brother (long story, but suffice it to say that's the easiest way to get to talk to him). The step-wife just happened to be there - finishing the packing so that they can make the last trip back up here this weekend. (I have started a whole rant about this situation - so I won't go into it further here, I'll just post about it later.)

Suffice it to say, I'm at my wit's end, and not being paid for my work in a timely manner doesn't help. What did I do about it? Well, first I fired off the aforementioned email to my boss. Now I'm sitting here in a quandry. What happens if they let me go? Well, what's the difference? I'm not being paid anyway, right? (actually that's not true - I AM being paid, just not very promptly) What will I do if I do get fired? I have no clue.

Anybody know of any virtual recruiting jobs?? I would really like to be able to stay at home and work - and get paid.

HELP?!?!?!? ...osm

Just When You Thought It Was Safe....

Lost Blog Entry - Originally penned 9/22/04 - just putting it out here for the heck of it now, I guess. ...osm

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why did I bother to get out of bed today??

A quick recap of the past year (with maybe a little more history thrown in). I have been a single mom since my ex-husband and I separated when my middle child, my son, was 8 months old. (This was in April, 1987). My ex has never been a very active part of our two children's lives - but he has seen them on a regular basis. To hear him tell it, you'd think he was the very martyr for father's rights - but - whatever. He quit paying child support on any kind of regular basis a good number of years ago, and I probably would have overlooked it, except that everything (and everyone) else in his life always took precedence over our kids. There were missed birthdays, soccer and basketball games, piano recitals, band concerts - the whole gambit. Yes, he saw them at Spring Break, and usually got them the day after Christmas, but as far as calling to talk to them - or even to check on them - we never heard a word from him unless he was trying to set up a visit - and usually at the last minute. I could really go on and on here about how more than once my parents have turned around and brought my kids BACK into town (they were headed out on a vacation with them) so that the asshole could have them because he'd called on a whim. I have NEVER EVER tried to keep my kids from having a relationship with their dad (and just FYI, I have never called him "asshole" in front of them).

Anyhoo, I believe I posted early on in my blog about how I didn't let either of my children get their driver's licenses at age 16 - which I KNOW was a source of great irritation to them. Last summer, my ex took my then 17-year-old son for a visit, and when he brought him home at the end of the summer, had convinced my son to ask to go and live with his dad and his stepmom and 2 step-brothers and 2 half-sisters. I really was reluctant - truly I was. But my son can be very convincing, AND I really have seen how hard it has been for my oldest not having a relationship with her dad like she'd like to, so I said "ok". To quote Julia Roberts: "Big Mistake. Huge."

Back in Feb of 2002, I had tried to secure an attorney to take my ex to court over unpaid child support (according to court records, the principal amount totaled over $40k - not counting penalties and interest). Now granted, he has paid some money to me directly - but not NEARLY what he should have, so I would estimate (and it is ONLY an estimate) that the amount he actually owes (principal) is closer to about $25k - but after you add on the interest - it would probably come to more like $50k (since the $40k comes to over $70k). Neither here nor there, cuz all I ever really wanted was for him to pay the amount he had been ordered to pay back in 1989 when we finally divorced. After I filed with the attorney, and he got served papers, he started paying the correct amount, and continued to do so until our daughter turned 18 and graduated high school, then the amount dropped - with him still paying an extra $100/mo in arrears. Long story short, I didn't have the $$ to finish paying off my attorney in this matter, so we never went to court.

Fast forward to September 2003. I gave my son permission to go live with his dad. Child support stopped back in August. Well of COURSE it did - that was the whole idea, wasn't it? I couldn't say that to my son - how hurtful would that be? "Uh Sorry, son, but you see - the REAL reason you dad and the stepmonster want you to live with them is because they believe they won't have to pay support anymore if you do." But in the end, that's what happened - and after many heated exchanges with my ex, during one of which he threatened to take ME to court to make ME pay support - and I begged him to do that - to sum it all up, I just told him I'd let the Attorney General's office handle my case, and whatever the judge decided was fine with me - I was tired of being the bitch here.

In the end, my son ended up getting a GED because he could not transfer his private school credits from here to public school there. He is currently enrolled in Jr College this semester and working full-time at a local truck wash - where I hope he TRULY learns the value of a good education. There have been a LOT of bumps along the way, including, but not limited to marijuana use and sex. It has DRIVEN ME NUTS not to be directly involved in my son's life - he is more than 400 miles away from me, and his father's approach to parenting is "boys will be boys" and "he's 18 now, you can't make him do ANYTHING". But that's a whole other bitch session.

Supposedly things have been really good lately, and my son has been attending classes and doing well. Then comes today. I had my oldest daughter call her dad's house to see if her brother was there. (If I call, he's never there and nobody will tell me where he is or even that I've called). I really hate "using" my older daughter to get to her brother, but it's the only way through the step-wife. Sorry. Fact of life. It's not a problem with my son, it's a problem that the step-wife has with me talking to him - or to my ex for that matter. And no, I have NEVER EVER interfered in their lives - I have no reason to want to. The only exception I've ever taken to anything they do is where it affects my kids (negatively).

So anyway, my daughter "L" calls and the step-wife answers the phone. Lo, and behold - guess what they've done???? THEY HAVE UP AND MOVED AWAY. No idea where my son is - or who he'll be staying with. Her sons are so heavily involved in drugs that they felt it was best to move back up here and live in my ex's father's house and put her kids in school in the very small town where my ex grew up. But what about our son - my ex's oldest (and only biologcial) son?? Sorry, kid - we gotta move. Hope you're ok - give us a call sometime. Did anyone call me? NOOOOO. The only reason we got an answer to the phone call today is because the step-wife is there finishing packing - they will be completely out this weekend. Her words "we have no idea where "C" is. He got a prepaid cell phone last week, but when I asked him for the number, he said he didn't know what it was." That was it. Leave an 18 y/o kid on his own, 400 miles away from ANY kind of family - and not even a FUCKING PHONE CALL TO HIS MOTHER to tell her they're gonna do this.

Needless to say, I am beside myself

Rainy Day Griping....

I'm so pissed.

I have been in bed sick since Monday night with the tummy bug that my littlest one had over the weekend. She was sick for about 5 hrs - I have been sick for about 36 hours now - with the only visible improvement being that I'm no longer puking or pooping.

So I FINALLY dragged myself into the ofc to the computer - only to find an instant message from an "old friend" directing me to what he described as an "EXCELLENT" website that I should check out at my "EARLIEST CONVENIENCE". Well, I'm trying to remain upright for at least an hour this time, so I figured what the heck.

Turns out, the website is all about people who fwd internet chainletters and spam. Now, I don't generally fwd anything that says "send this to 10 people" - the ONLY time I would consider it is NOT because the email tells me to, but because I liked what was in the email. Just so happens that I received a prayer in the mail the other day, and I liked what it said. I cleaned it up - of course I took out all the "fwd this" shit - and I sent it to about 5 people close to me that I thought could use this particular kind of a blessing. One of them was Mr. Neverfwdanythingtome Period (the one who had sent me the instant message).

Ok, maybe I asked for it. But I happen to know he is going through a lot right now, and I also know that he is a religious person (in that he believes in God, has studied the Bible, and prays - he's also been known to send a monthly donation to some nuns up in the Texas Panhandle, but I doubt he knows that I know this).

So I read the website - which I must say I found kind of high-handed and self-righteous - and the guy couldn't even use spell check?? I found that quite amusing, actually. Thus ensued the following instant message conversation: (yes the names have been changed, sort of)

OSM says:
are you trying to tell me something??
P says:
yes
P says:
sublety is not one of my virtues
P says:
i've told you before about that chain letter stuff
OSM says:
just to clarify - i always strip headers... never hit "reply to all" and do NOT forward mail... i DID send you the prayer about finances - but that was not a fwd.....
OSM says:
and the ONLY way a spammer can GET your email address from spam - is if it GETS back to them.... there is NO email tracking software
P says:
all it takes is ONE person on the list who knows how to sell it...sheesh
OSM says:
so if you GOT a fwd from me, it had to be from a virus.... because i have not - nor will i - fwd anything....
P says:
k

I think I'll set up a ghost email and start signing his ass up for everything from Rogane to Viagra - with maybe even a sex-change porn site thrown in for good measure! ...osm

Gotta take this call from Cinderella, and then I'll be ready for school! 

Sunrise, Sunset....

Is this the little girl I carried?
Is this the little boy at play?
I don't remember growing older
When did they?

When did she get to be a beauty?
When did he get to be so tall?
Wasn't it yesterday
When they were small?

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly flow the days
Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers
Blossoming even as we gaze

Sunrise, sunset
Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
One season following another
Laden with happiness and tears

Not sure how to give credit for those lyrics, but you should recognize them as the words to "Sunrise, Sunset" from the musical "Fiddler on the Roof". Awesome.

Ok kiddies, I know I've been away for a while, but I'm back. I've been in such a funk lately that I couldn't even bring myself to spend the time sitting at the 'puter to pour my heart out. And if I could have, no one would have wanted to read the crap I was pissing and moaning about anyway. Soooo.....

Why the melancholy words to start today's ramblings?? Well, I took my baby (2 y/o) to her first day at what I am calling "Play School". Actually, she's just going to spend ONE day a week at a local church's Mother's Day Out program - but - since I've spent the entire last year with her almost every day (no babysitters) - only leaving her once in a while to spend the night with Gran-Jan and Aw-Paw (at their request), or on occasional evening forays while Big Sister or Auntie babysit, this is a MAJOR deal for me.

Why, you ask? Hell if I know!! I have two grown children already - I was pretty whiney about leaving them for the first time, too - but I also worked and/or attended school full-time from the time they were small, so it was just the way of life we had, and I had no other frame of reference.

For one thing, I've gotten really attached to my little miss - staying home with her all day, fixing lunch, yelling at her to stay out of stuff while I'm working, leaving her parked in front of PBS all day to let Big Bird babysit while I work (I'm KIDDING) - that kind of thing. (grin) I know that taking her to Mother's Day Out, is just the first of many steps she'll be making to grow away from me as she gets bigger. And, having two grown children, I guess I already know how quickly that will pass - so I'm REALLY trying to savor every moment I have with her. That's why I could only bring myself to send her one day a week instead of two. In my younger parenting days, I would have probably only slowed down, pushed her out of the car, and sped away looking forward to ME ME ME time. Funny how 20 yrs or so will change your perspective.

I think the other reason why I'm so guarded about our time together is because I know that she doesn't have a daddy - and I'm very protective of her because of that. She already knows that some other kids have a guy they call "Daddy" - and she actually (I'm not exaggerating here) asks about hers. For a while, she called one of my friend's husbands "Dad" because that's all she heard their son call him - I guess she thought it was his name. And one day she even brought the phone to me and said "Call my daddy?" Yeah - it about killed me.

Fucking Randy B. - who could pass up this little angel?? For any reason?? but - I'm not going to spoil my story bitching about him - he will burn in hell in his own good time, not mine. (bitter, much? you bet your ass!!)

It's probably a dangerous thing to do, but I'm going to post some pics of her with her new Disney Princess Backpack and Lunchbox - and her new duds from Gymboree (omg - am I going to be one of THOSE mothers??) Actually, the Disney Store was having a sale, and the backpack and lunch box were only $6 each, and the clothes at Gymboree were all on clearance - and, btw - I have NEVER EVER even set foot in a Gymboree store before last night. The only Gymboree clothes she's ever worn before this were purchased second-hand off of E-bay.

Last night, we washed her hair and rolled it up on sponge rollers - complete with a little satin sleeping cap to keep them all safely tucked in overnight. (I have pics of this, too) I could have given you pics of her modeling her new backpack - after her bath - with only the rollers and her flipflops to complete the wardrobe - but I was afraid of either a)being prosecuted for child pornography or b)attracting pedophiles - so I figured I'd better just keep that memory tucked away for just me.

So here I sit - I've been working today - kicking ass and taking names. I just figured I'd take the time to let you guys (all 3 or 4 of you) know that I'm still here and I will be writing some more. And I wanted also to say "Thank you, God, for my littlest angel. I am truly blessed that you have loaned her to me, and I want everyone to know that You are the most wonderful of all for letting me have her!" Amen! ...osm

Rita's Mother's Day Post....

Rita -

Thanks for making me cry. Sorry I found your blog so long after the fact, but I am reading to catch up as quickly as I can. I just read your post about mother's day.

Funny how life hands us things and we just deal with them - but when we read about someone else's situation we think how extraordinary they are for what they've gone through.

Just in case it's of any consequence - after having raised my first two kids on my own following a divorce that started when my (then) youngest was 8 months old, at age 39 I found myself (still un-remarried) pregnant as well. It doesn't matter if you're 16, 29, or damn near 40 - it's a BIG DEAL. I underwent emergency surgery (c-section) the day my youngest daughter was born - and she spent 5 days in NICU due to blood ph levels out of whack. She had been deprived of oxygen when a nurse accidentally broke my bag of water before she was engaged in the birth canal -and the cord wrapped around her neck twice. I have watched her anxiously for the past 2 years - waiting for some sign of residual impairment from that injury. Thankfully, there are none so far - except that her right pupil dilates significantly more than the left (and that may just be a coincidence). I know how lucky I am. But I also know that YOU know how lucky you are. That's what's so great about being a mom. Sorry I got off on my own tangent here - I will continue to read. I hope you will visit my page sometime as well. ...osm

What Goes Around, Comes Around...

Wow. What a difference a couple of months can make.

A few weeks (or maybe months) ago, I wrote about finding out that a former lover had a new woman in his life and was happy and everything was going so well - and that he hadn't bothered to tell me this himself, but had mentioned it to another mutual friend - so that I got it second-hand. I was hurt - and maybe even a little jealous. I don't want to give the impression that I am not happy for him. I am. It's just a little scary that another man in my life has moved on found happiness - without me. Forces me to look at myself (again) and say "What are you doing wrong?" - or at the very least "What are you not doing right?" It sorta messes with my sense of self and my self-esteem a bit. But that's not the focus of this post.

Two days ago, I happened to get up and get on the computer to start my work day around 7am (early for me). When I sat down, I noticed that "he" was online (and I know he works nights) - so I IM'd him to say "Up late? or up early?". We were using MSN messenger - and of course it has display pics, right? Mine is usually one of my kids. His is usually one of the canned pics that MSN provides - or a snapshot of his faithful dog, Scooch.

Not today. Today it was a picture of an auburn-haired woman with dark eyes with her index finger in her mouth - probably snapped by a webcam used for online chat. Nothing sleazy, mind you - but flirty. I thought to myself "this must be a pic of the girlfriend", then I minimized the window and went about my business readying myself for work. Later, I remembered the IM and went to see if he had gone idle (perhaps sleeping?) because I hadn't received a reply. The picture was changed back to the dog (??) and he had logged off. Hmmmmm. So did that mean that he just didn't want to talk to me? Was he avoiding the conversation because he knew that I had seen the girlfriend's pic (and he's never told me himself that he is involved with anyone - and he knows he should have told me - that's what friends do), or - was it just possible that he was not the one who had signed on to his messenger screen name to go online? Good question, I thought.

About 3 hrs later, he logged back on - so never being able to resist poking a bee's nest to see what comes out - I IM'd again - and said "did I scare you off this morning?? you never answered me". He replies with "?" and "you mean today?" I say "yup - waaaahhhh" - he says "I wasn't online this morning". OOPS. Oh-kay. Then he asks "Are you sure it was me?" - I say "Well it was YOUR messenger - pic of a woman - I figured the g/f". He comes back with "red hair?", I say "yup". ok - you get the picture now, right? We go back and forth with him asking me at LEAST 3 more times if I am SURE it was HIS screen name (sheesh) - and me saying - YES!!! And then we move on to chat about how he might have left it up by mistake, but also how he doesn't even have a pic of her in his IM picture queue - and maybe she was snooping, blahblahblah. - Nothing to start trouble - he's not upset - he just says he'll be sure to leave something incriminating lying around for her to find so he can REALLY mess with her. Now THAT'S the man I knew and loved! ha ha.

As we are chatting, he puts up a pic of a boy - probably 9 or 10 yrs old. So I ask him - "is that the boy?" He says "yep - that's my fave pic of him - a smile every mother could love and hair all fucked to hell". I say "typical school pic"; he says "I asked him- what? you didn't have a FREAKIN' COMB?" and we both laugh and talk about how the mom has him full-time and how (at this point, I suppose I should give him a name, so let's just call him Paul) Paul is having to learn to deal with living with the kid - and how he really cares about him - but that the kid's always in trouble. And we discuss the perils of instant parenting. (Remember, during the time we were involved, I also had children - actually teenagers - living at home; it was interesting, to say the least). Paul is an only child. His parents divorced during his early teens, and are now both deceased - and other than step-siblings that came during his later teen years, he has never had to live with or deal with children. He was married/involved with the same woman for 20 yrs, but they never had children of their own - so he's basically just a great big self-absorbed, imthecenteroftheuniverse kinda guy.

I'm not saying that like it's a bad thing - he's a wonderful person in a lot of ways - but thinking that the whole world isn't about HIM in some way just never occurs to him. (love ya, Paul)

So in the course of this conversation, I ask him how long he's been with this woman (we were talking about discipline and dynamics of relating to kids) - he says he's been living with her now for 4-5 months. I say "but......." and then he types "but I've known him/her for over 1 yr now". I was stunned. Really. We have talked consistently ever since he left TX to move back to FL 4 yrs ago and while I've known that he has had other, um, "relationships" (and he certainly knows I have), he's never EVER told me he was dating anyone - let alone involved in a long-term situation. So I just laid it out - I told him I wished he had told me himself so that I hadn't had to find it out second-hand because it was obvious that he really cares about this woman - and I would have been happy for him and wouldn't have gone all to pieces or anything. His reply was basically "and the best part (you're gonna love this he says) - we met online". (insert spit-take here)

Let me explain. (I still break into fits of laughter even now - typing it all again). When I met Paul, I had been involved in a long-term internet relationship - one where I had actually met the person - and we were wonderful - best friends - it was great. But he wasn't leaving where he was, and I couldn't go there - and so it ended, but we were still best friends - what I would consider soulmates if there is such a thing. And Paul knew about this. To say that he gave me a hard time about "falling in love" over the internet is an UNDERSTATEMENT. The same hard time he gives me about several things - including REALITY TV (remember this - there will be a quiz later).

How many times did he tell me he just couldn't for the LIFE of him figure out how someone (with any brains - and he knew I had brains) could be sucked into the world of cyber-romance - period. LMAOROFLMFFAO. So of course at this point he has to type to me "you may now collapse in a fit of laughter" and I'm ALREADY pounding out "OMG you just nearly made me swallow a whole mouth full of sunflower seeds" and "can't.... type.... can't.... reach.... keyboard.... from.... floor". Schmuck - be careful what you say about other people.... lmao - I better be careful, I'll wake the baby. Oh yeah, he also told me that now I knew I should get over it - and really quickly. I told him I had blogged about it for the whole world to see when I had found out about it 2 months ago so not to worry - I WAS over it. He either didn't catch the "blog" comment - or didn't believe me.

So of course, my next text to him goes something like this "well, now all you have to do is knock her up and we'll be even". To which he replies "fuck you, you evil bitch" or something like that. I know he meant it in the NICEST possible way. Then he had to go. I actually SAVED the transcript of this conversation - why, I have no clue. It just seemed the thing to do. (Maybe so I could look back, re-read, and laugh again later?).

Fast forward into that evening. It's now about 8pm my time. I'm back at the computer doing God knows what this time - probably checking up on BB5. Paul signs on again. Immediately he IMs with "I hope you're happy". I'm like"?" "wtf?". lmao - All I can think is - uh oh well I've caused a fight by telling him he was logged on and he's asked her blahblahblah. He says "girlfriend just informed me she thinks she's preggers". O M G..... ROFLMAO... (again). I can't even function now. I say "STFU - you are kidding me". Of course she hasn't been to the doc yet, but she did the home test and it was positive. And we have to have the cursory conversation about "how could this have happened?", and he calls me an evil bitch - again - and I laugh some more and tell him to shut up because he knows that inside he's THRILLED - he never thought he would be able to do it - etc... and he's waited so long, he's just taken the attitude of Aesop's Fox when unable to reach the grapes. But let me tell you - that man RODE MY ASS while I was pregnant this last time - laughing at me - saying how it was better me than him - etc... etc... etc.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... He says "I can't do this - I'm 42 FUCKING YEARS OLD". I reply "and how old do you think I am, Paul?" (he knows good and well I'm 6 months older than he is)and "besides YOU don't have to DO ANYTHING except GROW UP". more laughter from me - more swearing from him.

Then I went on to jinx him further saying how the baby would DEFINITELY be a girl, named Brittany (that's an inside joke). In case you're wondering, the proper incantation for that goes something like this: "boogety boogety boogety.... BOO!" and then you have to shake a chicken leg in a paper bag.

I know he IS thrilled deep inside - and I PRAY for him that he will learn to step outside the "paul box" and start putting someone else ahead of himself. And he DOES deserve a girl - no way should he be allowed to raise another boy just like himself, lol. He'll be a big pile of mush - which is fitting. And when I say big, I mean BIG - the boy is about 6'6" and (last time I saw him) weighed about 325 - I could stand behind him and not be seen. He looks like Mr. Clean on steroids (head shaved bald and all). Very sexy, I think.

Oh - one more short conversation the next morning - he logged on and I hit him with "Oh btw I've thought of the last piece that needs to fall in place to make my revenge complete". He can't wait to hear this one. I say "I'm waiting for the day I walk through the livingroom and the tv is on TLC's program "A Perfect Proposal".

He's no longer speaking to me.

I hope Brittany wants to be a cheerleader when she grows up! ...osm